The First 100 Police Academy Films

Following is a list of the first 100 Police Academy films, as they appear in Halliwell’s Film Guide.

  • Police Academy
  • Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Police Academy 3: Back in Training
  • Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
  • Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
  • Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
  • Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow
  • Police Academy 8: The Real Bronx Cheer
  • Police Academy 9: Attack Of The Chapel Hatpegs
  • Police Academy 10: Blue Oyster Uncut

The first movie to focus entirely on the antics of the gay men in the Blue Oyster Bar, PA10 was ninety solid minutes of non-consensual dancing with a procession of increasingly straight men who unwittingly walk through the doors of their gay enforcement zone.

  • Police Academy 11: Academy Is A Seven Letter Word
  • Police Academy 12: Other Seven Letter Words Include Justice and Boobies
  • Police Academy 13: Operation: Attractive Woman
  • Police Academy 14: The Smell Of Larceny
  • Police Academy 15: Nuts To Crime!
  • Police Academy 16: A New And Highly Erratic Recruit Causes Zed To Really Up His Wacky Game
  • Police Academy 17: This Job Isn’t Easy, Hence Systematic Brutality
  • Police Academy 18: Nazis In The Hood
  • Police Academy 19: OPERATION: KILL THE NAZIS
  • Police Academy 20: Well, Yes, You Could Argue That The Nazis Were Briefly Good For The Economy, But That’s Ignoring A Whole Raft of Humanitarian Objections
  • Police Academy 21: Deeper Analysis Reveals That Germany Was Due To Come Out Of Recession Anyway, And Why Are We Even Talking About This When The World Is So Full Of Sweet Greasy Poontang
  • Police Academy 22: The Precinct Becomes Too Nutty To Qualify For Public Funding
  • Police Academy 23: Vampire Cops vs Werewolf Robbers vs Judges From Fucking MARS
  • Police Academy 24: Veal Farm Brouhaha
  • Police Academy 25: The Gay Men From The Blue Oyster Begin To Wonder Where The Straight Men Are Coming From, Decide To Try Leaving The Bar, And Spill Onto The Streets Like A Thousand Randy Gollums, Requiring Police Attention
  • Police Academy 26: Mini-Mahoney Goes Tiny Bananas In A Miniature Monte Carlo
  • Police Academy 27: Please Police Me
  • Police Academy 28: Police To Meet You
  • Police Academy 29: Police And Thank You
  • Police Academy 30: So That’s Why They Call It Hump Day
  • Police Academy For Dogs
  • Police Academy For Fish and Wizards
  • Police Academy 33: The Latest Recruit Appears To Be Nothing More Than A Bubbling Phial Of Spunk
  • Police Academy 34: Whoa, That Bubbling Phial Of Spunk Rose Through The Ranks To Commandant Pretty Quickly. Who Knew That Being Carried Around In A Test Tube Rack And Bubbling Approvingly Whenever A Nice Rack Of Tits Passes By Could Get You Places
  • Police Academy 35: You Appear To Have Somehow Misheard “Maritime Law”,  And Instead Of Having A Speedboat Chase, You Married Some Thyme. Now You Are Hitched To A Herb*

*The Hitched To A Herb spin-off series were not the celebrated cinematic releases that the Police Academy movies remain to this day. Hard ThymeJack and Dill, and Cumin My Anise all went straight to DVD.

  • Police Academy 36: Guys Guys There’s A New Female Recruit You’ve Got To See This She Is Attractive Come On Guys
  • Police Acedumy 37: Whoa, That Hot Chick Was A Bad Guy! What A Twist
  • Police Academy 38: How Can You Have The Twist To One Movie In The Next Movie
  • Police Adademy 39: If That’s Your Main Beef With This List You Have Your Priorities Utterly Fucked
  • Police Academy 40: Mahoney Alone (UK: Only The Mahonely)
  • Police Academy 41: Jones Alone (UK: AlonealongaJones)
  • Police Academy 42: Mahoney Jones – Together At Last
  • Police Academy 42b: Jones Alone 2: The Mahoneymoon Is Over
  • Police Academy 43: Steve Guttenburg  & Judge Rheinhold’s Micro-Precinct For Boys

This movie featured two Micro-Precinct spin-offs. “A Girl Gets A Job In The Micro-Precinct, Ruining It For The Men Who Just Wanted To Have Sexy Posters On The Walls While They Did Their Paperwork After A Hard Day Being Heroes”, and “Although She Did Turn Out To Be A Lesbian Who Shared Their Enjoyment Of The Posters, There’s Still Something The Boys Aren’t Happy About,  And They Decline To Analyse Their Discomfort”

  • Police Academy 44: A Lady Accidentally Inhales A Balloon, Shooting A Tampon Somehow Out Of Her Fanny, Which Comes To Rest In Mauser’s Coffee Cup Just As He Takes A Sip And Asks, Approvingly, If They’ve Changed Coffee Brands In The Precinct
  • Police Academy 45: Water Academy
  • Police Academy 46: Fire Academy
  • Police Academy 47: This Is Really Making The Police Seem Harmless, Likeable Even, Good Work Guys
  • Police Academy 48: Light-Hearted 9/12 Terrorist-Themed Romp
  • Police Academy 49: Guys, This Brand New Recruit Says He’s Never Been To A Strip Joint, That Gives Me An Idea For An Assignment
  • Police Academy 50: Hightower Eats Weetabix For 180 Minutes, Demonstrating Without Jokes That He Is Undeniably A Large Man
  • Police Academy 51: Mississippi River Boat Of Crime Gone Wild
  • Police Academy 52: Honey, I Spayed The Tackleberry
  • Police Academy 53: Downtown Misdemeanours feat. Missy Elliot
  • Police Academy 54: Egyptian Antics
  • Police Academy 55: I Said FREEZE PUNK Not FREE SPUNK
  • Police Academy 56: Seriously I Don’t Have Any Spunk For You Guys, Stop Following Me
  • Police Academy 57: Hightower I Totally Just Killed An Unarmed Black Man Can You Tell People I’m Not Racist Please It’s So Unfair All I Did Was Kill Him
  • Police Academy 58: Zed Is Up A Tree
  • Police Academy 59: This Harassment Charge Is Bullshit – You Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Arrest A Ghost Who Lives In A Bra Without Attempting To Remove The Bra
  • Police Academy 60: Blue Oyster Nights
  • Police Adademy 61: Blue Oyster Nights 2 – You Walked Through That Door, Now You Are Doomed To Dance. This Is The Way Of The Gay Man
  • Police Adademy 62: Blue Oyster Nights 3 – Let’s Just Drop The Dancing Metaphor And Just Say What We’re Getting At – All Gay Men Want To Fuck All Other Men Against Their Will, And It’s Only The Overwhelming Disapproval Of Society That Stops Them. The Second You Legalise These Horrific Atrocities, And They Are Atrocities, You Will Unleash A Carnival Of Gay Fucking In Every Room In Your House. If That’s What You Want Then Go Ahead, I’ll Be Vomiting In An Alley For The Rest Of My Life, Imagining Dicks I Do Not Want In My Mouth And Ass
  • Police Academy 63: Their Second Assignment
  • Police Academy Hospital: Sexual Healing
  • Police Academy Hospital 2: No Seriously, This Is Good For You
  • Police Academy Hospital 3: YOU’LL NEVER GET BETTER IF YOU DON’T SUCK IT
  • Police Academy 66: The Tinkers Have Build A HQ, Why Tinkers Need HQ, Hmm Suspicious
  • Police Adademy 67: OK That HQ Was Legit, Maybe Tinkers Do Need A Base Of Operations, Sorry Tinkers
  • Police Adademy 68: This Anarchic Humour Only Underlines The Need For A Codified Framework Of Law
  • Police Academy 69: When There Is No Law, The Police Must Create A Scarf Of Law Using Their Legs As Knitting Needles On The Streets Of The City
  • Police Academy 70: White Collar Crime Has Finally Spread To The Ghetto

Police Academy 71 had an illegal title, and was never released.

  • Police Academy 72: Crockpot Of Crime
  • Police Academy 73: Our Newest Recruit Appears To Be Nina Simone, How Do We Spin That
  • Police Academy 74: This New Batch Of Recruits Don’t Seem Optimistic At All
  • Police Adademy 75: Infinite Mirrored Corridor Of Mahoney
  • Police Adademy 76: Hip Hop Copz vs Reg Grundy Productions
  • Police Adademy 77: A Packet Of Cheese & Onion Crisps Fails To Drop For Hightower At The Vending Machine. Later, Zed Gets Two Packets For The Price Of One. Hightower Is Outraged –  I Mean He Used To Be A Bad Guy, Now Here He Is, Eating My Crisps. Unfortunately Hightower’s Whining Quickly Makes Him Lose Allies, Leading Him To The Inevitable Conclusion That Justice Is Secondary To PR
  • Police Adademy 78: The Philantropic Catburglar Presents A Moral Quandary, Especially Troubling When You Consider Her Lovely Tits
  • Police Adademy 79: How Do You Spell Condoleezza Rice, I’m Writing Her An Email
  • Police Adademy 80: Of Course I’m Being Polite. I’m A Big Fan Of Her Work At Dropbox
  • Police Adademy 81: Holy Fuck Condoleezza Rice Replied, How Cool Is That
  • Police Adademy 82: What Happens After The Fifth And Final Letter From Your Internet Service Provider
  • Police Adademy 83: Avant Garde Definition Of A Sequel
  • Police Adademy 84: Driving Miss Mahoney
  • Police Adademy 85: The Boys In Blue Oyster – Our New Recruits Are  A Bunch Of Hot Leather Queens
  • Police Adademy 86: The Blue Oyster Bar Recruits Tested Poorly With Our Target Audience And Are Now The Villains
  • Police Adademy 87: Yes That Is Like The Opposite Of What Happened With Zed
  • Police Adademy 88: Weekend At Bernies 3

(The Police Academy ownership of the lucrative Weekend At Bernies franchise was short-lived, and Bernie went on to feature instead in a number of Nightmare On Elm Street films. Tip! When the hell-hound resurrects Freddie Krueger by pissing a fireball onto his junkyard grave in Nightmare on Elm Street 4, check out the Bernie-led conga-line in the background!)

  • Police Adademy 89: We Are All Damned, All Of Us
  • Police Adademy 90: That Lectern Blow Job At The End Of The First Movie, From The POV Of A Camera In Mahoney’s Urethra
  • Police Adademy 91: Jones Learns A New Noise
  • Police Adademy 92: I Put The Arse Into Larceny and the Peen into Peenitentary
  • Police Adademy 93: TIMECOP vs SPACECRIME
  • Police Adademy 94: Lassard & The Giant Peach
  • Police Adademy 95: Toot Toot Fraud Trumpet Naaaaaa
  • Police Adademy 96: The Ninety Sixthest One Yet!
  • Police Adademy 97: At Last, We’ve Got John Leslie On Board
  • Police Adademy 98: Shit. It Was Leslie Nielsen We Wanted. Who Is This Limey
  • Police Adademy 99: Everyone Calms Down
  • Police Adademy 100: The Crow

The Crow movies went on to have their own rich history, which you can read here.

A version of this list was read out for the 100th episode of the Regular Features podcast. With thanks to Simon Swatman.

About Log

I'm so nice you just wanna eat me. I'm like a sexy wee marble you just wanna pop under your tongue. I'm like a tiny wren's egg you slide between your tits. I'm Pat Phoenix get the fuck out of my shop

Leave a Reply