Diana
The Script Of The Movie

tiaraSCENE ONE: HOW DIANA AND PRINCE CHARLES MET

DIANA
Howay jugalugs, I bet my tits are bigger than your arse

CHARLES
No way you fancy Nancy, I gots them juicy Windsor boo-tarks.

Charles slaps his ass and juggles his buttocks in a wild infinity loop

DIANA
Fuck off Wales, I’m gonna lay down a monkey on my tits sizing off amply against your muddy pussy*. Drop your kecks and let’s compare

CHARLES
Aight.

ZIP SOUND EFFECT. SOUND EFFECT OF COLLIDING MEATS.

DIANA
I win! Now I get one wish

Diana closes her eyes and makes a wish

CHARLES
Phwoar. Let’s get to Buckingham Palace, where I will put tiaras on your lovely tits what are bigger’n my bum

DIANA
Hooray! That was my wish

SCENE TWO: THE RELATIONSHIP GOES SOUR

CHARLES
Stop crying or I won’t let you wear any more crowns

DIANA
It’s not fair Charles I’m so sad. I just want to be queen, right now

CHARLES
Why don’t you go and make friends with Kenny Everett or something. You were friends with him, weren’t you?

DIANA
I think so. Either him or Freddie Mercury. Let’s just say I was friends with Kenny Everett for the sake of this movie

CHARLES
No wait I think Kenny Everett was friends with Cleo Rocos

DIANA
FUCK OFF CHARLES

SCENE THREE: AT BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

DIANA [upset]
It’s not fair Kenny Everett I just want to be the queen of England at any cost. I mean I will kill everyone I have to, seriously

KENNY EVERETT
Oh Di you wee dinky bagpuss! Come and watch me having sex on a ghost train

DIANA
Kenny! Aren’t you worried about any killer sex diseases?

KENNY EVERETT
Don’t be silly, you freaky blonde piss! All sex diseases are curable. That’s the point!

GHOST TRAIN SOUND EFFECTS

DIANA
Well Kenny if there ever is a killer sex disease you can be sure that I will visit the hospitals and go around touching everyone

KENNY EVERETT
That’s because you’re the kind woman who likes human people. Maybe you are too kind!

DIANA
Ken, I couldn’t begin to tell you how many dicks I’ve got bouncing off my forehead in this place

KENNY EVERETT
You might as well wank a couple off. It’s pitch black in here, no-one’ll know

SCENE FOUR: DIANA MEETS DODI

DIANA
I do love Harrods. It’s really expensi… OW YOU FUCKIN TROD ON MY FOOT YOU RUDE MAN

DODI
Soz babes I was just buying Harrods and the contract is so big I didn’t see you there

DIANA
Well that’s as may be, I’m going to be queen one day so get off my fuckin’ hooves

DIANA STORMS OFF

DODI
She is absolutely beautiful and so pure. Send her a ten quid Harrod’s voucher

SCENE FIVE: CAMILLA MEETS DIANA AT A PARTY

DIANA
Ow my fucking foot! Again! What is it with pricks stepping on my feet today, have I got cunt painted on my face?

CAMILLA
Hello, Diana. I’m Camilla Parker Bowles, and I did it on purpose. I’m going to steal your man and be the queen.

DIANA
ARE YOU FUCK AS LIKE

CAMILLA
I FUCKIN AM

DIANA
I’LL KILL THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

CAMILLA
HERE HAVE AN APPLE

DIANA
THANKS

SCENE FIVE: THINGS GET WORSE WITH CHARLES

DIANA
I am leaving you Charles to go on a car ride with my new boyfriend who sent me a ten quid voucher which is more than you ever gave me

CHARLES
That’s fine, I’ll just keep twiddlin’ Camilla’s nips

DIANA
Whatever like I even care

CHARLES
Before you go, Diana.

DIANA
I’m on my way out I can’t just turn around loads of times I’ll fall over

CHARLES
Give me your royal badge and royal gun

DIANA
Fuck off it man I’m two days from becoming the queen

CHARLES
Your badge and gun, Diana. Don’t make me use the human-corgi hybrids

Diana hands over that stuff Charles asked for

DIANA
This is bullshit

SCENE SIX: IN A CAR IN PARIS

DIANA
How the fuck did we end up in Paris man

DODI
We are going so fast babes so fast in this car like my exotic love for you

DIANA
Dodi, your balls are rock hard. Is that normal?

DODI
Yes. In foreign men the balls go hard not the penis. I am going to stuff them in you like some exotic unheard-of figs

DIANA
OK! but first let’s eat this apple that my nemesis Camilla Parker Bowles gave me

DODI
Enemy apples are the most delicious apples of all where I come from in my country from abroad

THEY EAT THE APPLE. NO-ONE DIES

DIANA
Well that apple was delicious, and not poisoned at all

DODI
In my country where I am from it is customary after an enemy apple to tickle the driver of the car you are in

DIANA
Don’t do tickle the driver Dodi that’s dangerous

DODI
But it is tradition and you said don’t do tickle the driver so that’s really mixed messages

TICKLING SOUNDS

DODI
Tickle tickle tickle!

LAUGHING SOUNDS. CAR CRASH SOUNDS. NATION MOURNING SOUNDS

SCENE SEVEN: CAMILLA IS CROWNED QUEEN OF ENGLAND

CAMILLA
Thanks for making me Queen of England Charles

CHARLES
No probs lady. Sad that Diana carked it but to be honest I like you more anyway.

CAMILLA
Yes! In fact you might say I’m more apple-ealing

CHARLES LOOKS, SHOCKED, TO THE CAMERA AND REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE

CAMILLA
I am going to kill everyone in England

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I'm so nice you just wanna eat me. I'm like a sexy wee marble you just wanna pop under your tongue. I'm like a tiny wren's egg you slide between your tits. I'm Pat Phoenix get the fuck out of my shop

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The Script Of The Movie

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