Fasts & Furiouses 1-15, With Synopses

Fast And Capricious

The Fast & The Furious

An undercover cop infiltrates an underworld subculture of Los Angeles street racers looking to bust a hijacking ring, and soon begins to question his loyalties when his new street racing friends become the prime suspects.

2 Fast 2 Furious

Former cop, Brian O’Conner is finally arrested after letting his leader escape the law. To avoid the consequences, he must now work with an old college friend and help the police arrest a local drug exporter.

The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift

In order to avoid a jail sentence, Sean Boswell heads to Tokyo to live with his military father. In a low-rent section of the city, Sean gets caught up in the underground world of drift racing.

Fast & Furious

Brian O’Conner, now working for the FBI in LA, teams up with Dominic Toretto to bring down a heroin importer by infiltrating his operation.

Fast & Furious 5: Rio Hiest (aka 5ast 5ive)

Dominic and his crew find themselves on the wrong side of the law once again as they try to switch lanes between a ruthless drug lord and a relentless federal agent.

The Fast & Furiou6: Transylvanian Plunderstorm

When a heroin importer gets into Brian O’Conner’s car and refuses to get out, he drives as fast as he can in a misguided effort to teach him the error of his ways. But the faster Brian drives, the more ruthless the drug lord becomes, forcing O’Conner into an unprecedented loop-the-loop.

Fas7 And Fu7iou7: 777

Under the terms of the mayor’s Last Will & Testament, Sean Boswell must drive up the Matahorn, using the summit as a ramp to land on a passenger jet carrying 200 drug lords to an illegal conference,  and do do-nuts on the wing until the FBI arrive.

Furious & Fast: Swans Alive

Low budget  series reboot set entirely on the plastic swan ride at Alton Towers. Will Brian O’Conner be stranded overnight, or will he manage the short wade to shore?

9ast & 9urious: Hair Trigger Trip Switch

Pan-ballistic deboot. Brian O’Conner and Jeff Patarken (Rupert Everett) must do one last heist to pay off their debts to a ruthless drug lord. Unfortunately Patarken has acute gastroenteritis, leading to some memorable Dutch Ovens.

Fast Ten: Your Seatbelts

Addressing concerns that the series glamorises dangerous driving, Brian O’Conner embarks on a high-octane road-safety course, where he meets a woman whose breasts inflate when travelling at or just below the legal speed limit.

The Fast & The Furious, Part 11: Dopplerdocus

Brian O’Conner gives a drug lord a cow in exchange for an enchanted muffler, only to discover that it has poor aerodynamics. He joins forces with Dominic to perform one last heist in a parallel dimension where velocity is used as currency, only to accumulate immense debts by driving in the wrong direction.

Furiast 12

Sean Boswell is shrunk to the size of a pint of milk. Stowing away conspicuously in Jordana Brewsters hair, he offers constant and increasingly pessimistic appraisals of his own mental health.

Furiast 12, Part II: The Fast & The Furious 13

The attempt to bring  Sean Boswell back to full man size backfires, when only his testicles are restored to their original stature. Boswell quickly learns that a full compliment of semen being emptied through a urethra no wider than a human hair causes unimaginable pain, and velocities that are internally injurious to his lovers. Boswell is inconsolable until he notices that the laser-like ejaculations can shear through glass, and he decides to carry out one last heist.

The Fast & The Fur14us: Hawaiian Hairpins

Dominic Toretto is forced into a flatshare with a furious lance corporal and a shapeshifting robot, neither of which seem keen on helping him perform one last heist. That is, until a ruthless drug lord begins drinking the milk they’ve left out in the back garden, and shows his gratitude by laying a gigantic egg containing a Lamborghini Countach.

Fast and Fifteenius: The Final He15t

They saved the  most audacious heist for last!  Brian O’Conner, The FBI, Sean Boswell, and six thousand druglords (each more ruthless than the last) travel to the rings of Saturn, where they encounter a rare microbe that reacts to pure-grade heroin by travelling at 230 miles per hour. Building a car out of the foul-smelling bacteria and stealing enough heroin to fuel it from the drug lords in a series of tiny last heists, Sean Boswell returns to Earth. In a state of irrational euphoria induced by a lack of oxygen and an abundance of heroin, Boswell places second in the bloodiest Tour De France on record – then, in the first musical finale, Brian O’Conner sings “I Like Bread And Butter” to the drug lords and learns the spirit of true self-sacrifice when he leads them all, in a goose-stepping drug baron conga, through a smoky door and into the sandworm desert from Beetlejuice. As the door slams shut, the credits roll, and the audience are invited to look inside their hearts by an out-of-character Vin Diesel, who confides that he and the entire cast have been dead for nine years, but their pact with Satan means that they cannot be at rest or stop making these movies until people stop coming to fucking see them for Christ’s sake.

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4 thoughts on “Fasts & Furiouses 1-15, With Synopses

  1. I’ve actually just spent the last 2 minutes crying with laughter.

    Keep up the good work pal 🙂

    (twitter – faithless123)

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