Recently I made a musical video about having sex all over the house. I won’t embed the video (you see it going in!) but you mark my words – I’m pooped! It’s all very well starting out with grand plans to have sex all over the house, but by the time you reach the spare bedroom, you’ll be thinking “well, it’s just another bedroom, do we have to,” your legs will hurt, and all in all you’re thinking it wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Don’t panic, and don’t give up! Having sex all over the house (or “trans-residential knicker romps”, to use the scientific name) is terrific fun, and great news – it counts as one of your five a day!
I’m going to tell you about the times I’ve had sex all over the house, so you can avoid some of the knee injuries and accidental summoning rituals that we’ve had to deal with!
Nothing kills the mood like sucking on a big rosy nipple, and catching sight of a beefy week-old stool dominating the porcelain in the corner of your eye. So, here’s my pre-sex to-do list that you can print out and stick to the fridge:
- Flush the toilet
- Pick the biggest bogies out of your nose and put them somewhere you won’t be having sex
- Pull your trousers down and put your hands on your hips to signify the unlikelihood of it sucking itself
2: START IN THE KITCHEN
I always start having sex in the kitchen, because the checklist is on the fridge, and I can go over it one last time before the sex begins.
The first time I had sex in a kitchen, I got my foreskin snagged on a whisk. Reeling from the shock, I put my hand in the waffle toaster where it sizzled for some minutes, before I careened wildly into the knife pantry. But with practice you will learn not to stick your dick in a whisk, and maybe close the waffle toaster.
It’s important to create a sexy kitchen mood. For example, one thing in this photo isn’t sexy. Can you tell which one it is?
If you said “cooked sausage grease”, deduct ten degrees from your erection. Re-heated for thirty seconds over a low flame, it’s nature’s savoury lubricant. Miniature dominoes are also sexy, as they can be placed next to your penis to make it seem larger. It was the oven mitts. The oven mitts.
3: THE AIRING CUPBOARD IS OPTIONAL
Don’t make the same mistake we made! We wasted a good half hour trying to find a position that worked, and at one point she queefed onto a damp flannel I’d covered in cress-seeds as part of a work project. (I’m not sure if I should include this queef in my report – I mean, the guys in the lab might think I’m not taking the project seriously. But if the cress is particularly nice, they’ll want to know why, and I can’t suddenly say “oh it got queefed on”).
In the end I just bundled her in there like a witch into an oven, and slapped her bum a few times. She made the most of it, saying “ooh!” a couple of times, but we both agreed to leave it out next time.
4: THE LIVING ROOM
The biggest pitfall in the living room is if the thumping motion of your man’s penis into her vagina causes one of your bums to land on a remote control, changing the channel in such a way as to create an unexpected sentence. This one time, Maury was giving the results of a paternity test, and he said “I’M SORRY TO SAY, YOU ARE NOT…” and the channel changed and an advert finished by saying “…CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS TODAY”. I was like “that doesn’t even make sense” and my girlfriend also expressed some dismay that such an easy set-up had been squandered.
5: THE NELSON ROOM
The Nelson Room is the most difficult room in any house to have sex in. It is knee-deep in aniseed-flavoured water, and is filled with those fish that know when you’re pissing and swim into your dick.
Two mechanical suits of armour operate a wave machine at one end of the room, and you must have sex on a podium that shrinks as you approach orgasm. At the precise point of climax, the podium disappears, and you must launch your partner into the chandelier. There is a basket of coconuts in there, that she can use to knock the ravens out of the air, while you use mounted machine gun to shoot a) the fish, and b) the giant’s eyeball as it appears in the windows. When the door unlocks, you may leave.
And that’s how to have sex all over a house. If you have any questions, please do ask. I’m pretty much the authority on this.