I’ve just been to Burger King.
I ordered the Cheezy Bites, because I’m something of an explorer. There was something about the Mini-Angus Burger from the kids menu that stank of pedestrianism, and I fancied something a little more… recherché.
My hopes have rarely been higher, so you can imagine my disgust when I unfolded my greasy paper pouch to uncover these hopeless fingertips. “I can’t bite these,” I wailed internally. “I could pop them in my mouth, but that’s chewing, not biting”
“Oh, I’ll eat them,” I thought defiantly, popping the last two in at the same time, “but I’m not happy.”
I glared at the backlit poster of the Three Cheese Double Angus, while the young lady behind the counter looked at me like I was pretending to act out an internal monologue.
“Yes, I’m aware that bite can correctly be used to mean small amount of food,” I continued to think. “But I maintain that these would be better called Chew-Chooz, Cheesy Pop-ins, or Masticatory Curd Baubles.”
It was at that point that I saw, out of the corner of my eye, another fat man staring sadly at a tiny golden ball of fried cheese, and silently mouthing angry words at it. I woofed at him, and he woofed back at the same time, so I jumped onto his back (see, it wasn’t a mirror) and steered him home using his ears. We’ve now been married for six years. Which brings me onto:
THE ROMANTIC MANOEUVRES OF FAT MEN
From Maximum Awesome’s indispensible bear FAQ
Q: How does one bear greet another bear?
A: Easy! One just says “woof”, and/or growls.
This is true, but not terribly refined. You woof first, and if they woof back, you may growl. Growling without an answering woof could be seen as aggression, and if you are on the fat man’s home territory he might attempt to devour you. This operates on the same scoring system as conkers – if an eighteen stone man eats a superior 21-stone man, he becomes a truly awesome thirty-nine stone bear, and is entitled to some sweet disability benefits.
Once you are both growling, you should retire to the nearest pub’s toilets, and spoon in a cubicle until Spring. In an attempt to spread understanding of fat gay bears, I have written Wooftard Rendezvous. It is a short play about fat gay bears.
INT. NIGHT. A BEAR BAR.
STEVE [looking around]
Steve spins around on his stool really fast. When he stops he is facing Jeff.
They rub their hands all over each others shirts, their heads tilted backwards and their mouths open.
INT. DAY. KITCHEN, THREE YEARS LATER
Jeff is looking pleased. He is holding a jar of mayonnaise and parading up and down the kitchen. Steve is rummaging in the bacon drawer.
Woof. Woof woof. Woof. Woof…
There is a knock at the door.
Jeff rolls his eyes and answers the door. It is Damien.
Steve looks down at the heart he has made from strips of crispy bacon, and slams a pawful of angry mayo onto it. Instantly regretting what he has done, he eats it all and goes to sleep, standing up.
INT. EVENING. BEDROOM.
Steve checks all the windows, locks the door.
Why did you woof with three o’s at Damien?
I… I didn’t. I… was doing a French woof. You know, like wurf. Stretches the vowel sound out.
Oh. Well, why were you woofing in French?
He’s just come back from a trip to Paris.
He holds up an official document with the word WOOF and a paw print at the bottom
Oh, that’s interesting. Because it’s not what this sworn affidavit says.
Have you been issuing subpoenas to my friends?
You didn’t leave me any choice. I had to subpoena something
Look Steve, what do you want me to say? That I’ve been spooning Damien in toilet cubicles until Spring? Because for the last three years it’s always been you. Just you, Steve.
Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was such a chore.
This is pointless. I’m opening this door and we’re going to go out there, and we’re going to woof at each other like this never happened.
Jeff opens the door
I’m going to eat Damien. Perhaps then you’ll love me again.
I didn’t know fat gay men could talk. Or that they ate each other. What a scoop!
Oh nice one, Steve. Way to give us away to the Muggles. We’re going to be in shit with Dumbledore now. And it’s double potions tomorrow.
That’s pretty much all I know about how fat men do it. If the gay bear lifestyle appeals to you, you can become fat simply by eating more food than your body needs, and you can simulate hair by asking a doctor to implant a powerful magnet in your guts, and rolling around in iron filings. This will have the side benefit of aligning your chakras, which should allow you to fly.