OK, So I Can't Blog Properly

I thought going freelance would be the kickstart I needed to maintain the blog. It turns out, I’m only really productive when I’m in a job I hate if I get paid regularly.
Does anyone have a job where I can just sit there, silently fuming into the internet at the cunts on the next desk? And it has to be in a company where no-one knows how to use the internet, or Google their own name.
In the meantime, I’m trying to develop a non-offensive Tumblr habit, so look at that if you like.

18 thoughts on “OK, So I Can't Blog Properly

  1. sigh

    Fuck “Tumblr”. Are you going to follow the rest of the drooling part of the Internet into submediocrity by posting one-liners and stale kitten-pictures in lieu of anything amusing, useful or readable? I know we’re getting your witticisms for free and what not, but I’d rather have a good post once in six months than the constant Twittery trickle of half-digested mental diarrhoea. Please reconsider! Love, someone who’s “followed” your Internet doings since about 1983. When it took *literally a week* to download the latest “New Order” hit.

  2. Log

    You’re absolutely right. I hate the mealy hubbub of Twitter. And I only like Tumblr because I can write about Liam Neeson on the way to get my tooth ripped out by a lady wearing too much lipstick.
    I love you. Who are you? Please can we go to the zoo, or something? Anything. I’m fucking dying.

  3. Nostrilsoup

    You know, I had a menial office job lined up for someone just like you, but it’s gone now, sorry 🙁
    Tumblr’s much better than twitter though; I actually quite like your page. Made me grin at least.

  4. sigh

    Dear Log, I CAN/cannot come to your zoo, as long as it’s at a weekend and not one of your typical clumsy pretexts for cottaging.
    I find it grimly reassuring to hear that freelancing doesn’t work either (with respect to curing the “fucking dying”). I work at home and now home is tainted with work. Also, I can’t ever quit this job because I have lost the ability to wake up before 8:59.

  5. Log

    Right. That settles it. I’m going to the zoo with you. Do you want to be Jennifer or shall I? She was 2D last time she went. In 1831.

  6. sigh

    What an odd question. Reminds me of “shall I be mother?” (when pouring tea, or whatever real people with families do). I will happily “be Jennifer” if it doesn’t involve cross-dressing. I just went to re-read some of “her” stuff in the archives, and I’m suddenly dying to know where her face came from. Did you manage to snap a sneaky photograph of Eileen’s daughter perhaps?

  7. Jehovah's Paid Witness

    Oddly enough, I have a job that allows me about 7 hours of internet browsing per day. You don’t want this job. Or any job like it. I am on the verge of squatting on a rectal thermometre, just for the diversion it will bring when it snaps.

  8. Leo

    JPW you remind me of a video i saw recently of a man sitting on a jam jar for sexual pleasure. The jar breaks whilst in his anus and while still squatting, he pulls chunks of broken glass out of his bottom and there’s blood everywhere. Either that or it’s a magic trick and his bottoms filled it full of jam.
    Log your horoscopes were eelarious but i fear ‘the man’ will block my access to tumblr at work, i kind of have to weasle my way here as it is. And bumland is so going to get flagged up soon.
    loves n shit

  9. Cunty McBone

    Speaking of Jennifer… I’m still waiting to see that video again. The one about the breeches. That made her look like a cunt. I broke a few vertebrae spasming with joy, the first time I saw it. Oh God, please, won’t you.

  10. Concerned Onlooker

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    It is possible that Log has tripped and fallen over his beard into a void dimension on his way home from another day standing in for Charlie Brooker at the Guardian, in which case I respect but do not applaud your weak attempt to imitate the great, cherub-cheeked wonder, but if that is not the case, and you have in fact, as I suspect, smuggled him away into some tawdry porn dungeon, I suggest you unhand him immediately for I fear his blog is going to shit.
    Apart from the bit about Liam Neeson. That was quite funny. And the new Power Ranger. I liked that too.
    Lots of love <3

  11. Concerned Onlooker

    I didn’t mean “going to shit”. I just meant “not quite as good as it used to be”. OH GOD I’M SO SORRY

  12. Low Tide

    Leo, that video is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen on the internets. Close second is the ‘2girls, 1cup’ thing, but even girls drinking an enema was not as incredible as a person calmly picking shards of glass from his heavily bleeding rectum. Thought I’d share that.

  13. nickunt

    In which esteemed organ will this article about the beauty secrets of Messrs Ulrich, Hetfield, Hammett and the big hairy one that isn’t Jason Newsted any more be published? I can’t wait to read it as it’ll be a fuck sight more interesting than what I’m doing at the moment which is watching BT Visioned episodes of Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle. I know, it’s not even like I can claim to be watching it on Sky+.


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