Why I Am The King Of Sales

There’s nothing more satisfying than forming a relationship with a salesman. It’s like rubbing yourself off against a human transaction. Because I’ve done most things that are thrilling and sexually enticing, I spend nine days in advertising, during which I came up with most of the slogans you’ll have heard in your life, such as “Kiss the Tandy” and “NOT PANDA PLOPS, PANDA POPS”. Here’s just a few of my incredible slogans that have made shareholders across the world instant billionaires.
WALNUT WHIP : “It’s got a nut on – and so will you, after you finger this fucker into your mush”
GANESH : “I know you don’t be steppin’ on this bad mother’s trunk, stone cold”
HOUSES : “No there isn’t a scullery, what are you, Edwardian or something”
THE POPULAR NINTENDO WII MACHINE : “Mine organs have beheld the wyrd illusion factorie ycleped thee Nintendo Wii, and my mum loves the Tennis like billy-o”
COFFEE : “Buy six coffees, and we’ll pamper a spastic”
BRITISH GAS : “British Gas puts the Gas Board into Smorgasboard.”
It was only a matter of time before the advertising department in the company I work for saw my incredible talent and <del>stole</del> incorporated one of my slogans into an item of hooded clotheswear. Check this out, fuckbuddies!
PC ZONE: In The Absence Of Sexier Hobbies Or Bands I Like, I Wear PC Games Clothing
Behold, my addition to the world of PC gaming merchandise – “In The Absence Of Sexier Hobbies Or Bands I Like, I Wear PC Games Clothing”.
I am the advertiser. I just sold you.

8 thoughts on “Why I Am The King Of Sales

  1. Cunty McBone

    All well and good, this soft selling I see, but not the stuff this blog was built on. What about Scottish busses covered in vomit and poo? Will we ever get Jimmy Carr’s face on a tit again? Since when do you take complimentary-looking low-angle shots of your co-workers, instead of crowing victoriously when someone photoshops in a giant ass-brick, cuddling against their mottled cheek? Where are the sex tips read out in a “gay voice” that sounds like Daniel Schorr with a mouthful of piss and buckshot?
    Once I see a bit of edginess back up in this piece, rest assured, I will buy a dozen of your fine sweatshirts and make a duvet out of them…

  2. CaptainBinky

    I’m more intrigued as to what that blue thing is hanging down tantilisingly in the background.
    It looks like it might be the sleeve of something AMAZING!
    Or possibly part of a hat!


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