Tales Of The Smear: Always Closer Than You Think

Although this conversation isn’t a true Tale of the Smear, it’s amazing how an accusation levelled at my work colleague and superior, Will Porter, that his “bum smelled of bum” and that he “pisses on bums” could lead, eventually, to a small story about his dad walking in on him while he did a shit near a nurse, while talking to someone on the phone. If it truly is the case that these stories are this easy to stumble upon, then I’m going to start taking my Dictaphone out with me more often…
Log says:
HEY WILL YOUR BUM SMELL OF BUM
YOU PISS ON BUMS
STOP TYPING
Will says:
I have only ever pissed on one bum.
Log says:
Was it a special bum
Will says:
And that was after a misunderstanding.
Log says:
Were you in love with the bum you pissed on Will
Will says:
No.
Log says:
🙁
Will says:
It’s a long story.
Log says:
Let’s talk about it for three hours
Will says:
Well…
Log says:
You’ve piqued my interest something rotten
I can’t conceive how a simple misunderstanding could end up with you pissing on a bum
Will says:
What if I told you I’d never pissed on a bum, and was just trying to sound rough and edgy?
Log says:
Crestfallen isn’t the word.
Will says:
I’ve got piss on MY bum before.
Does that count?
Log says:
Emphatically, yes.
Will says:
Even if it was mere splash damage?
Log says:
Depends on the bareness of the bum, and the temperature of the piss.
Will says:
Or, indeed a drippy public toilet loo seat?
Log says:
You sat on a pissy seat?
Is that what I am to glean?
Is this a story worth telling?
Will says:
I was drunk. It was dark. I was young.
Log says:
I’m not judging you. I’m just rehearsing for a new Tales of the Smear
Will says:
My piss/smear cupboard of stories is bare.
Will says:
Although I once had a nurse stick her fingers up my bum with a bum-pill, and I proceeded to shit all into a cardboard bowl.
Log says:
Mine too. Apart from pissing in my mates sink only to realise it was blocked, then having to scoop it all out with my hands.
Hang on, you just said something about shitting into a cardboard bowl! Cardboard isn’t usual.
Will says:
And then my phone rang and it was a wrong number, and I spoke to them while shitting.
And then my Dad walked in and I shouted at him to go away.
All the while, trumping and farting.
Log says:
You fought a nurse’s fingers using only the forces of your bowels?
Will says:
They were powerless to resist.
Log says:
THIS, IF TRUE, IS A LUCKY SMEAR STUMBLE
I got so excited at this stage that I transferred to a real life talking conversation, in which Will told me that the nurse said “there are some hard ones up here, Mr Porter”. Sorry about that, I’ll try to keep my composure for the real Tales of the Smear.

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