Torchwood: Episode 10

SCENE ONE: CARDIFF
GWEN
Hello Jack, I found this in a spaceship. It has made my tits huge.
JACK
Watch out, it’s got monsters in it!
THEY FUCK UNTIL GWEN GLOWS
GWEN
WHAT IS HAPPENING MY TITS ARE HATCHING
JACK
I’m just that good, baby. [he smokes a cigarette which also hatches]
SCENE TWO : STILL CARDIFF
OWEN
Can I have a fag please?
JACK
That’s what I say half the time – I’m totally bisexual. How do you like them apples?
OWEN
It genuinely means nothing to me.
JACK
Right, whatever bitch, I’m off to stand on top of St Paul’s Cathedral. Laters.
SCENE THREE: ABOVE CARDIFF
TOSH
I think I fancy Owen.
JACK
Girls and boys having sex is boring and for children. Do something adult for blimey’s sake.
TOSH
Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggg *trump*
JACK
Haha! You totally farted. Welcome back to the team. You didn’t follow through did you? That would be super-gross forever IDST
OWEN
Quick! There’s a monster made out of bras on the roof!
JACK
BUT THAT’S WHERE I LIKE TO STAND
SCENE FOUR: ALTERNATE CARDIFF
Two monsters come through a Welsh rift. They look a bit adult / sexy and like they can possess humans / take human form and have sex.
JACK
Hi there! I’m nonchalant as fuck, me.
ALIENS
You are not like the others Captain Jack Harkness, it’s like yow ded or sommat.
JACK BITES HIS BOTTOM LIP AND RUNS OFF BLUBBING INTO A DOOR. TOSH WALKS IN AND DOESN’T REALISE THERE’S ALIENS
TOSH
Jack, my fanny itches. I think it’s probably aliens. Gasp! Aliens!
ALIENS
Don’t blame us like. You probably got barnacles from doing it with a space whale, you mucky boot.
TOSH
YOU CAN READ MINDS?
BARNACLE
Me too! Let’s all think about cocks.
EVERYONE ROLLS AROUND ON THE FLOOR IN SOFT FOCUS
SCENE FIVE: SPACE CARDIFF
JACK
Thank GOD they were allergic to human semen!
OWEN
And I’ve got some left over for when they come back!
JACK
I’ll put that into stor… where did all the spunk go? There was seven gallons of spunk right here.
GWEN BURPS. JACK PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND PUFFS HIS CHEEKS OUT. TOSH LAUGHS AND GWEN BURPS AGAIN.
THE END OR IS IT ETC
Russell T Davies CAN I HAVE TEN THOUSAND FUCKING POUNDS PLEASE or what

6 thoughts on “Torchwood: Episode 10

  1. SickONut

    This post is funny. It did make me laugh. It also made me get a semi thinking about gap-tooth Welsh lady copper growing really huge boobies.

    Reply
  2. real sly shady

    Oh come along! It’s been two weeks. I can’t believe you need two fucking weeks to post another flimsy blog. You may make me laugh out loud in internet cafes while surrounded by Chinese men who smell of garlic and hairdressers from Exeter who implore me to look at their myspace site and photos of their newly-married sister’s spastic children, but that’s no excuse to leave me hanging. Two weeks? Goodness! Wars have been fought in less time! In fact I think I once had sex in slightly less than two weeks, but maybe I was feeling a bit jaded. Vitamins. That’s the answer. Has anyone noticed that there’s nowhere good to go for a wank while travelling? I can’t finish it off in the shower, which is the only privacy I get. Roll on Thailand and hotel rooms for the price of a pint.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *