Emailing A Proper Christian = Holy Fucking Shit

After seeing Richard Dawkins tell a Christian that he was misguided – I believe the full quote was “you, sir, are a colossally misguided patch of cuntslosh” – I realised that I wasn’t doing my bit for athiesm. I should be out there, telling Christians that they’re utterly ridiculous and probably evil. I should be drawing pictures of Mohammed using a frozen shit in a carrier bag as a dildo. Setting up a gaydar profile for Ganesh. Anything that will help people realise how cool it is that we’re all going to die, and the closest any of us will get to immortality is if our corpses are eaten by celebrities.
Where best to begin preaching my MegaGospel of the Redemptionless Void? To my mum? Nah, she’s dead nice and she kinda likes the idea of God being all there. My mates are all pretty much athiests anyway, by virtue of being a) not cunts or b) gay. So, where I’ve been expressing myself is in the comments on the videos of Christians on YouTube. Because, quite frankly, I’m socking it like crazy to the motherfucking world.
COMMENTS I HAVE MADE ON YOUTUBE ON CHRISTIAN VIDEOS

  • I am Jesus, hear me roar, I eat peanuts off the floor
  • Nice video check out my video of a man watching a stripper and the man watches her for ages but then she farts and blows like shit on him and I think it’s an advert but I can’t work out what for hope you enjoy NSFW!!! http://pornotube.com/media.php?m=26276
  • I don’t agree with this. I think God doesn’t exist. How does that make you feel? I bet you are shaking like a leaf. More specifically, a leaf in Autumn. Where is your God now? Now that I don’t believe in him?
  • HELLO I AM GOD THANK YOU FOR YOUR VIDEO I LIKED IT BUT I HAVE A COUPLE OF SUGGESTIONS. I LIKE BLUE SO MORE BLUE WOULD BE NICE AND ALSO PAN MORE SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERTY BITS AS IT LOOKS A BIT MORE SERIOUS. SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS I’M GOD
  • Hey nice vid… if ur gay u fag lol (ps i don’t like the vid realy)

By my estimation, there can only be one Christian left in the world with enough conviction and belief to have resisted my onslaught. Turns out there was, and he sent me a message.
Fair to say, I fucking shat myself. It’s one thing not telling your mates what you think, because I know it’d be like screaming at a skip full of nodding dogs. “Thanks for your insight Log, now we’re even more athiest,” they’d say. But actually talking to an explicit Christian, who has enough conviction and passion to put videos of himself believing in god on the internet? A trembling poo tumbled from my slacks, as I read this;

An “idea of good” can certainly be formed without the Bible – even Hitler had an “idea of good”.
The problems comes with giving a reason why you have come up with that particular idea. The atheists here are having trouble justifying their idea of good and cannot give an explanation that is as reasonable as the Christian position.

What had I said to get this message? It sounded like this guy was engaging with me in an adult way, and I could have sworn that I was being stupid. I remember some fucker saying that athiests couldn’t be good people because we didn’t have the Bible. That’s just the kind of brainless shit that would have me typing “ooh i am good cos i got the bible oops i have put the bible near my willy”, or “I AM AN ATHIEST AND I’M NICE SO WHY DONT U KILL URSELF”.
After a few days, just so he knew I wasn’t that interested, I replied. Didn’t Hitler reckon he was a Christian, too? It’s a flawed response, but I just wanted to pass back the hot Hitler potato. Then I asked him – because I was curious – how he came to his version of good, what with the Bible being a pretty nasty collection of shit, all things considered. His reply came.

My idea is the Christian position. Of course, I have a lot to learn and improve in my own beliefs, but I have a standard to aim for. The Christian position is that God’s character is the moral standard for the universe. There is nothing outside of God that He consults – like He looked at something (a book, etc…) and then acted according to that and said it was good. No, He Himself, His own character is the standard. So, by this defintion, everything He does is good and He cannot do anything evil. I know, repeat, I know, that you disagree with this, and I know it is not easy to grasp – I cannot fully fully comprehend all the ways of God and do not claim to be able to. But, I don’t think I have heard other explanations that are sound.

First, stop being nice. I can’t hate you properly if you’re being humble and apologetic. You’re not a human, you’re something to be converted, for I am an evangelical athiest, and I’m here to save you from a life spent climbing mind ladders to nowhere.
I replied with a number of stock anti-Bible stuff that I’d heard other people say, which had made me nod furiously and go “Mm! Me! Me!” Then, as all good atheists do after arguing on the internet, I sat back, popped another scuttle full of screaming abortions into my defiling area, and encouraged a dalmation to vomit on the Qu’ran. So imagine my surprise when his reply came, and he hadn’t seen sense at all! What is with these people? Do I have to kill their entire families before they accept that no loving god would allow this, and sink into a wretched despair?

MURDERERS SHOULD BE EXECUTED, AS SHOULD RAPISTS, KIDNAPPERS, ADULTERERS, ETC. THAT WILL PROBABLY SHOCK YOU, AS IT SHOCKS MOST OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, BUT I THINK YOU HAVE PUT YOUR FINGER ON SOMETHING IMPORTANT. IF WE ARE TO PROFESS TO FOLLOW GOD’S WORD, AND ALL OF GOD’S WORD, WE NEED TO DO THIS. (his caps)

I like the idea of following all of God’s word. Like God has one word he’s really serious about and you’re not allowed to muck around with it.
GOD MEETS THE PINK LADIES, 1978
GOD
Hi there Kenickie, what’s up and that. Just seeing if you’re obeying the word of God.
KENICKIE
Fuck yeah, God. This is the best word ever, we’re totally obeying it.
KENICKIE DOES A SHIT INTO A FRYING PAN. FRENCHY FARTS SOME TALC OUT OF HER ARSE.
GOD
What are you… that’s not the word! This week’s special word was Grease.
FRENCHY
Yeah, but we rearranged it to spell ARSE EG. We’ve been shitting on everything since Wednesday.
GOD
That’s not how you spell egg.
FRENCHY
It is in America. Anyway, bored now. What’s this week’s secret word?
GOD
It was going to be SNIPE, but I’m going to have to think of a new one now!

ALL
😀
Anyway, my point is, what the fuck do I say back to that? If anyone still reads this blog after three million years of non-posts, any pointers? Has anyone found a combination of words that can stop all religious belief, please?

24 thoughts on “Emailing A Proper Christian = Holy Fucking Shit

  1. Snowden

    Yay! All it took was one whingy comment from me about updates! I am your update master – maybe I’m God, or at least your God. I think your Christian has placed himself squarely in the nutter corner with that last one, enabling you to hate him properly (having basically proved that I’m your God, I can command you to anyway) and just hurl insults. If you have to take the high road, you could make the point that he probably doesn’t follow *everything* God supposedly says in the Bible, most of which has been subject to misinterpretation/mistranslation. The rap sequence in the clip from upcoming documentary Jesus Camp (which was recently on Belmsford) has already proven to me that Christianity is completely laughable anyway.
    On the subject of atheist/evangelical relations, have you seen this? http://www.truechristian.com/atheists.html
    I genuinely can’t tell whether it’s a joke or not, the satire/reality line is that thin, but if it’s not, we can agree that the true enemy, both of evangelical atheism and, it seems, non-redundant church names, is the True Christian Church of Christ.

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  2. jammus

    when was the last time that iain lee was on a telly program about the bible? i can’t remember but i’m betting it was at a year ago or something. therefore your book is better than mr christian’s. slap that arguement on his desk, moonwalk out and enjoy the end of faith. yay!
    ps – has anyone read end of faith? good up until the end when he goes “i’m ok though cos i’m a buddist.” tit.

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  3. Adam

    You should read the book Breaking the Spell in which some esteemed philosopher type doesn’t outright say that all relgions are idiotic but, well, he might as well have. It’s a persuasive argument and one so steeped in fancy words that you all but have to agree with him. You don’t even need to read all of it, just the first chapter… do they let you take books into the toilet in WH Smiths these days? You could it crack it in 20 minutes.
    He also gets points for having the asking ‘DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS ROBOTIC DOG?’ on his home page
    And I don’t think robotic dogs are mentioned in the bible, are they?

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  4. Nobuttocks

    Log, you are now my nemesis, you evil satan’s shit-eating doubter, you.
    I am a Christian. Why? Because there’s more blimming wisdom in the words of Christ than in an entire issue of Heat magazine, kay?
    The mistake you’re making is the mistake that everyone makes when judging Christianity – you’re ignoring the words of Christ, and judging the religion by the words and actions of people claiming to be Christians, when, in fact, they are merely fanatical, bible reading nearly-illiterate churchgoers. You can judge the Bible all you like (parts of it ARE crap), and you can judge christians all you like (the ARE mostly stupid cunts); but, if you judge purely from the Words of Christ himself (as I do), the religion is fucking ace. Call no man master, don’t go to church, don’t imitate priests… all this is the word of Christ. It’s the fucking Church that went and spoiled things, and to this day the church still goes AGAINST the word of Christ.
    I’m not at all offended by anything you write about religion – it’s very funny. I can take it because I know your witterings stem from a lack of comprehension (or an unwillingness to comprehend, maybe?) of the esoteric ideas contained with the Gospels.
    So… yeah. Stick that in your partners’ willy and smoke it.
    I didn’t really mean the first line of this post, btw. It was just to get your attention. You rock. You’re just suffering from “a little knowledge”, which is a dangerous, spiky, AIDS-infected thing. The guy you were writing to who thinks sinners should be killed? He’s a tit, who obvously skipped the passage about love and forgiveness.
    Peace out, bro. Now feel free to go ahead and make me look ridiculous for taking you semi-seriously.

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  5. matt_f

    There’s more blimming wisdom on the back of a packet of cornflakes than in an entire issue of Heat magazine, but that doesn’t mean we should all worship the Lord Kellogg and refuse to eat anything that doesn’t contain one third of the recommended daily allowance of iron and niacin.

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  6. Log Post author

    Susan, stop encouraging the previously-lovely strangeman.
    Nobuttocks, dear Nobuttocks. I’m not a “doubter”. I’m as absolutely sure that God doesn’t exist as you are that he does. I’m also willing to accept that Jesus was a groovy guy with some ill ideology, in the same way that the biggest cunts amongst preachers might “boys and girls, that way-out hippy with the crazy ideas… was JESUS”. But God’s son? No. No. No no no. What gets right on my arsebone is this idea that 2,000 years ago, people were running around having miracles left right and centre. It’s like we think science didn’t apply back then, just because they only had triangles and Stonehenges.
    You can’t just take Jesus out of the Bible and say he was the one cool thing. I fancy Johnny Knoxville, but I’m not going to tell you that Dukes of Hazzard wasn’t a shit film. I call no man master because I think servility is revolting. I don’t imitate priests because priests spread irrational bullshit as moral absolutes. I do go to churches occasionally, but only because they’re quite nice buildings. And it’s not like there’s a god in there to get pissed off by me dipping my balls in the font.
    Nobuttocks, I like you and your comments here. But let’s strike a deal – you don’t say my opinions are formed from ignorance, and I won’t draw a picture of you giving Jesus a fat queenie.

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  7. IOYC

    Dear Beliefs
    It’s funny because you are totally based on a heterosexual nuclear family model with an angry, insecure father-figure for a Lord. Sounds not at all like Defensive Conservatism.
    “BUT BUT”
    Sorry, a book told me to say that. A TOTALLY CORRECT BOOK NO RETURNS.
    Secondly, if Jesus was so dope, and I think he was probably alright if he said basically ‘carn, stop being stupid cunts please everyone’, then why is church / the world so full of stupid cunts?
    NB: What’s up with Allah, Buddha, Other Creation Myths. Are they ‘Just Stories’.
    Kind Regards,

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  8. susan tobacco

    Oh I wasn’t encouraging him, Logginsofmine, I was just impressed to see a Christian swearing.
    I don’t know why it would be startling, but it is. “Hello, I am an x-tian, here is a swear. Minges.”
    It just doesn’t seem right.

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  9. Speedwolf

    Dangerous ground here folks.
    You know the only (probably not the only reason) that Muslims think they’re so great is that they have the youngest major religion and therefore anything else that God or his messengers had supposedly said up to that point had been rough drafts of what was to come. According to the Muslims you should consider all other preceding religions as Alpha and Beta releases. You could argue the point with them I guess, but I’m not sure that the words “reason, doubt and liberal” are included in the Koran so you may end up on the business end of a Middle East Party Popper. By which I mean car-bomb.
    Fuck ME that was a sweeping generalisation and incredible exercise in stereotyping. Do I win?

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  10. Nobuttocks

    Gah!!! Why did I have to open my big fat jesus-admiring mouth? I must have been feeling beliggerent for some reason.
    Though thank you, Log, for engaging in debate rather than telling me to fuck off and hide up the arse of the nearest bishop. I admire your patience & restraint, and I’m sorry for calling you ignorant.
    Just to clarify – I don’t believe in the biblical God, per se, I’m more of a pantheist/god-as-part-of-our-own-conscience kinda guy. Not sure which yet; maybe it’s both, or neither.
    I don’t have any proof of the existence of parallel universes, or higher dimensions, either, but I believe in them, too. Even without direct proof, the theories are, to my mind at least, pretty sound.
    “You can’t just take Jesus out of the Bible and say he was the one cool thing.”
    Yes you bloody can!!! The Bible was written over hundreds of years, by different people, in different locations, at different times, each with slighly different myths, legends, and belief systems… and then there’s the undeniable fact that text would have become corrupted through translation & bias – perhaps many times over. The Bible is like a “Greatest Hits” album of the theosophical literature around at the time. And, like a greatest hits album, a lot of it’s ugly messy dirge. Saying you’ve got to believe the whole thing is like saying you’ve got to listen to every track on “Now 44”. To put it another way, you don’t keep the dirt when panning for gold.
    I don’t buy the “gods son” thing either, really;- either we’re all gods children, or somehow we must earn the right to become one of gods kids. Jesus referred to himself both as “son of god” and “son of man”:- i.e. he admits he is just a human. But quite where he learnt those cool powers is a matter of great interest to me… and is one of the main reason I like Christianity. I WANT SUPERPOWERS!!!! And I’ve had something a ‘bit’ like them… just not for very long – but then I’m not a very good Christian.
    Whether Jesus even existed is immaterial… even if we take it as read he’s a character as fictional as in any other legend, (like… er… theseus or summat) that doesn’t affect the wisdom contained in the Bible stories. But hey… I accept that, whatever my arguments, it’s all unprovable conjecture on my part; I ask only that, before dismissing all religion as fantastical whimsy, you try meditation. If THAT doesn’t tickle your “there’s something else out there” bone, nothing will.
    From now on, I promise to not to insult or deride you, Log. I have the utmost respect for your intelligence & humour, and this was clearly the wrong place and method for me to take issue with your religious stance. I will return to being polite, lovely and strange. Susan can put her monocle back in.
    Now let us never speak of this again. Forgive me, Log, for I know not what I do.

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  11. Log Post author

    If one of the main reasons you like Christianity is because a man did some magic tricks 2,000 years ago, then you really need to see some modern-day magicians. As for meditation, I’ve tried it. Why is it so hard for you to believe that that’s not purely internal*? Why do you want so hard to believe that there’s something “out there” that you’re clutching at – and dropping – straws like a dog with seven dicks? God. No, Jesus. No, not even Jesus. It’s SOMETHING.
    We’re not going to convince each other here, you’re right. Just send topless pics and read this excellent book about meditation.

    * I suppose you could ask the opposite, why I’m so unwilling to accept an external source of wonder that only appears when you close your eyes and think hard. I just try to explain things in terms I can understand, instead of terms which force me to throw my arms across the room and say “oh, well, I guess that’s just plain amazing then”.

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  12. robertdee

    I always feel queasily uneasy about evangelical atheists/christians* who feel the need to convince you that they have found the answer and now you must too. Its almost as if they need the certainty of universal belief to make it true. I imagine this is what makes them so intolerant of the beliefs/agnosticism/don’t fucking care of others.
    *delete as applicable.

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  13. Log Post author

    Well, you can’t argue with that, I suppose. As much as I’m embarrassed by my own rare sincerity, this is one of the few things I feel passionately about. So back at you with continuing funnyless backwash; first, I bet you’ve indulged yourself in a rant once or twice, without checking that everyone there gives as much of a toss as you do. And second, it’s not the idea of supernaturalists pretending to have the “amazing absolute answer” that bothers me. It’s the cocktail of victim mentality, privilege, political power, arrogance, bigotry, violence, hippy new-age bullshit, charitable status, and serene superiority that gets me. At least my sense of superiority has the good manners to be screamingly unstable.

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  14. robertdee

    How do I post the picture of Roy Barraclough here?
    I’m so glad you gave us the opportunity to talk about our spirituality. I’m definitely one of the most spiritual people I know and practice meditation because it keeps me in touch with the sacred nature of all things and helps me lift the karma of others whether they know it or not. I like the colour blue (though all colours are good, vibrationally speaking) and the sound of summer rain on a forest canopy. I welcome people of all races and cultures and would like to help the orphans of an African nation, perhaps with the gift of song. I like to think that the words might provide a kind of nourishment to them that would last longer than a bag of rice. When it comes to sexuality I think we are all pretty much polymorphously perverse and that each human libido is a treasure box of diversity. I am a child of the world and the future is our destiny.
    Love is the law, love under will.

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  15. SickONut

    I’d just like to highlight a portion of one of NoButtocks comments above. Here it is:
    “Just to clarify – I don’t believe in the biblical God, per se, I’m more of a pantheist/god-as-part-of-our-own-conscience kinda guy. Not sure which yet; maybe it’s both, or neither.”
    In what peculiar language, of which peculiar nation, is THAT a clarification?
    Perhaps more importantly, the description that you give above is the religious equivalent of vegetarians who eat chicken. If you’re going to do something, do it properly. This whole “I’m a Christian but I don’t believe most of the Bible, and really, I kind of believe in all Gods, but only a bit” schpiel sounds awfully like you just want there to be something big and comforting out there rather than actually believing in it. Sort of like Lynus’ blanket on a cosmic scale.
    And bear in mind that this is from someone who has had in depth religious discussions* with Log, where I argued against his cast-iron atheism.
    *we shouted drunkenly at each other for 6 hours.

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  16. robertdee

    Fuck me, this is really irritating me now. I normally stay away from these type of discussions because people generally come across as fucking idiots. No, worse, fucking idiots who think they have found the answer. I will clarify. If you are THAT convinced that your mammalian brain has scientifically and indesputably proven the cause and meaning behind the universe then you should be awarded a fucking nobel prize because NO ONE ELSE has. Well done you. Everything else is just fucking conjecture. Also, if you are of a particular religious bent, don’t you realise that what you “believe” in is mythological? This does not make it “false”. It makes it allegorical. The nature of myth and religion is that it is a reference to something that is unknowable (at least in the current realm of human understanding). Those of you who think that religion is the cause of all evil in the world, do you really think that terrorism, invasion of other countries, suppression of women, sexual intolerance and all the other stuff that give people power wouldn’t happen if you didn’t have religion? Come on, they’d just find a “scientific rationale” for it like the nazis did. I DON’T CARE what you believe as long as you don’t invade my space with it and have the decency to understand that it is a METAPHOR or personal THEORY for something currently not understood. Not a fucking fact. That includes the atheists too. If you don’t understand that your beliefs are as much conjecture as anyone elses, you really haven’t thought deep enough about it. Occam’s razor, my arse.
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to have a wank.

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  17. Log Post author

    Well, I’m not really arguing with that. I’m not suggesting that I have the answer, and I never said that religion was the only cause of pain and subjugation. We’re tribal cunts, and religion is just one example of that. But that an argument against humanity, not for religion. I originally wrote loads back to this, but when I read through your post for the tenth time, I realised that I didn’t really disagree with you. At least, not to the extent where I really want to carry it on.
    “Occam’s Razor my arse”
    Pascal’s Wager, my cunt.

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  18. robertdee

    I apologise (gay) for the surly tone. I was very hungover.
    The wank helped, though.
    Lets get back to pooing and weeing now and calling Brenda a cunt.

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  19. Log Post author

    It’s both, to a degree. The Church Structure is more transparently indefensible and obnoxious, but I find the wholesale promotion of faith offensive, too.
    It gets a good press, does faith. Almost to the point where it’s its own defense. You can’t attack someone’s faith – it’s precious. Faith is set up as the ultimate positive human endeavour, even when it’s a misapplied. For example, saying “you’ve restored my faith in humanity” is bullshit, becuase you’re actually saying “you’ve provided me with tangible evidence that goes against my previously more pessimistic view of humanity”. That’s not faith. That’s reacting to evidence. It’s faith stealing a good reputation from secular human kindness.
    I suppose my answer is that I don’t really mind an individual’s faith, as weird as I may find their particular unquestionable beliefs. But I do hate the fact that faith is held up to be an unequivocal good, when all it amounts to is religious spin for “swallowing any counter-intuitive or transparently nonsense shit you’re told by someone in the right clothes”.

    Reply

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