How To Write A Hiatus Haiku

Got a proper job
Reviewing computer games
Will write something soon
It’s a bit rum, having a job I want to be good at. Doesn’t leave much time for fucking about, taking photos of plastic fannies and doing everything in my power to not be productive. I’ll be back at the blog soon, and any of you with any experience of my promises will know; they amount to a peppering of shit dust all over your dinner.
Don’t resent me a shred of happiness, you ghastly pack of bumwolves.

45 thoughts on “How To Write A Hiatus Haiku

  1. Speedwolf

    “It keeps the streets clean.”
    Nice sentiment there Gustave. That’s the same reason I gave Peter Surcliffe his first claw hammer. I can’t decide whether if I’d given him a job in games journalism he would have veered off of his homicidal path or just trained hundreds of little moiderers.

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  2. Nobuttocks

    What mag are you working for? It’s not PCZone is it? It is, isn’t it? Oh go on – do tell. I’m all worked up in an excited lather not knowing.

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  3. robertdee

    Upcoming games you should review:
    “Chucky Egg Goes Bananas”
    “Henry Kelly’s Going for Gold”
    “Jazz Razzamatazz’s Billabongo in the Congo”
    “What’s the Time Mr Wolf?”
    “Fox Fucking Simulator”

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  4. Speedwolf

    Elite – Deluxe reality edition.
    Sent into space in an aging deathtrap shuttle in quarters so small it’s more like prison. A prison in which if you escaped your blood would boil and your eyes burst. Imagine that. Bursting. Sent off into the deep nothing between stars to seek intelligent life, then attempt some sort of communications. That is if you have any sort of commonality with whatever lifeform you meet. But you won’t. We’re alone and your heroic mission is hopeless. You’re going to die from catastrophic systems failure or debris storm or starvation or madness. You’re not even at Jupiter yet and you’ve been flying for 7 years! Just think how terrible the lonliness is going to be when you eventually slingshot around Saturn and speed into the great beyond. Travelling faster than radio waves, you’ll never hear your family again. See that big red button? Press it, go on, blow the hatch, end it now. Give yourself to the cosmos.
    7/10
    Would have benefitted from surround sound and big fuck off explosions.

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  5. Gustave Hetter

    I want to make a game called Fu Manchu Vs HRH Prince Philip. But will anyone buy the rights? Will they fuck. Short sighted fools.

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  6. Log Post author

    Hands up, aye, it’s PC Zone. It’s all very confusing, writing for tens of thousands of people, instead of ten. I don’t even know what the readership of PC Zone is, apart from the occasional cross father. Spoof reviews, though. That’s nice.
    I wonder if I should start up a fortnightly listings spoof? I don’t think anyone who’s worked at PC Zone has ever done that before. I could be the first!

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  7. Gustave Hetter

    You’re a true innovator, Mr Log. Perhaps you could end up getting a weekly column in the Guardian Guide also? You could call it ‘Log Watches The Telly And Then Moans About How Shit It Is’. With a title that long, you wouldn’t have to write many words.
    I thumbed through PC Zone at lunchtime in my local Martins’ newsagency, but, seeing nothing of any interest in it whatsoever, plumped for the new issue of Viz, which pokes fun at gays and black people.

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  8. Log Post author

    Actually, this Viz is the best one in a long while. I even liked Noah’s Arse, and usually that cartoonist’s strips get right on my tits. Noah’s arse made me laugh twice, out loud, properly.
    Don’t think much to the IT Crowd, though. What’s your favourite colour, Gustave?

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  9. Gustave Hetter

    Hopefully on a bus. The last thing that made me laugh out loud on a bus was the ‘Peter Chadburn Is A Twat’ sticker. People thought I was odd, but I was young and wild and I just didn’t care. I think that the “20 Hard Porn Films’ ad in this new issue pales into insignificance next to your wonderful Instant Arousal videos, though.
    I haven’t seen the IT Crowd yet, but my favourite colour is green. The colour of money, and, as Chris from Family Guy so rightly points out, bogeys.

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  10. spastemizer

    I also thought Noah’s arse was the only funny strip that artist has ever done – he seems to stick with a biblical theme for some reason. I got laughed at the other day for reading that issue in the pub.
    Also, can anyone tell me why I feel the need to shake my head a bit after I have had a piss?

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  11. Gustave Hetter

    That particular cartoonist obviously has some delusions of intelligence and pretention; it’s just a shame that his cartoons are invariably bollocks (the Nostradamus one was pig’s tits, and that one about God’s jeans – pure shit). I’ll read the Noah’s arse one on the way home, and see if it makes me laugh.
    Erm… do you usually piss with an erection, thus drenching your hair in the process?

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  12. spastemizer

    Ah! I knew that would come up, and that I would be referred to as though I were a common dog shaking moisture from it’s hair, but no – I just get this kind of shivery feeling at the end of a piss and it makes me shake my head a bit – I suppose somewhat like a dog actually…
    Is it just me?

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  13. Gustave Hetter

    You, Sir, are a common cur!
    But seriously, no, you weirdo. Has your glans got an AIDS or something?
    p.s. I love you really.

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  14. spastemizer

    I MIGHT have an AIDS or something on my winkie-tip, but it has happened all of my life, and I am older than the AIDS, so maybe it is an older form of VD, like Syph or herpes or something.
    You dont love me – you just want to fuck me and then dump me in a skip.

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  15. Gustave Hetter

    Is there a difference?
    Maybe you invented the AIDS, or at least your glans did. Although, between you and me, I heard it was a man who shagged a monkey what done it.
    Maybe it’s some kind of semi-orgasmic feeling, as the last rush of hot urine exits your urethra and tickles the inside of your bell-end as it comes out. I suppose it’s possible that you’ve got some kind of a hair which grew inside your meatus, and as the last drops of micturate fall out, they cause the hair to vibrate wildly. The vibrations then travel into your hot, pink rod, and the resultant pleasant feeling causes a shiver down your spine.

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  16. spastemizer

    Reading that just turned me on.
    Anyway, I cant have AIDS because I just had a nice hot bath, which everyone knows is the only known cure.
    I have to go home now – be safe, dont have nightmares *wink*

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  17. Gustave Hetter

    Good. That was the intention.
    If you have to go home now, where did you have a bath? I want to have baths installed at work, so I can leave spunky water in them when I finish. I get shouted at for doing that at home.

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  18. Speedwolf

    Gustave, I shiver when I finish a good wee too. Sometimes even letting out an involuntary “brrr” if its a very good one. Perhaps we can be friends.
    I have a pireced bell-end and therefore micturate like a sprinkler. THe only safe place to do so is in the shower. This is a guilty pleasure that I allow myself occasionally. Do you do that too? I bet you piss in the bath though. URGH! Bath pisser! That’s just sick.
    I don’t want to be your friend now.

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  19. jonesy

    Magic wees! I get ’em. They don’t happen often, but when they do… boy, is just MAGIC. I thought it was a boy phenomenon, but my friend Sophie does them too. Are they a bit of an orgasm? Or do you get them if a thick bit of piss goes through? I just don’t know.

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  20. smahman

    When I was little I would push my willy against the wall when I had finished wee-ing. It felt good. Does that make me dirty mummy?
    But I could never work out why my balls never got smaller when I did pee pees. Now I know.

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  21. Nobuttocks

    Does anyone else ever having a problem stopping doing poos? I’m sure when I was a kid, I did nice, solid, torpedo shaped poos that plopped out quickly and stopped of their own accord. These days, me poo doesn’t stop and break off, it just slowly, slowly decellerates until I have to clench it off myself. This then leaves me with a anus still stuffed with poo that won’t fall out, and I ether have to
    a) really strain and push
    b) cover my finger in bog-paper and scoop it out.
    c) clench, wipe, and then bash my bum against a wall to push the poo further up me tubes.
    Am I alone? In this?

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  22. Gustave Hetter

    No, Nobuttocks, you’re not. I am glad that there’s someone else who has to physically scoop stools from their own anus, or risk autographing the gusset with the brown pen. Although, if I’m honest, I never bash my bottom against the wall to make shit go back up it.
    Speedwolf, I would LOVE to be your friend. And it’s all ok, because it’s not ME who virtually orgasms when having a ‘thick piss’. Nor do I micturate in the shower, but then again, my bell-end is unpierced, so I can generally manage a decent stream.

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  23. soulless

    Log. To celebrate your new gamer status, would you like a free playstation 1? I’ve just been handed one in my office, to throw away. Seems a shame.

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  24. Nobuttocks

    On an anti-poo, pro original thread related note, is LOG a freelancer or on a tentative contract?
    What’s David McCandless & Duncan McDonald doing these days?
    (I know, I know, I’m a zone geek)

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  25. Gustave Hetter

    Rich Fucking Pelley (erstwhile Your Sinclair hack) now works for Zoo magazine. Your Sinclair was easily the funniest, most irreverant magazine ever. And McVikka McCandless worked there too.

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  26. Speedwolf

    Forget Your Sinclair and bring back Digitiser!
    Zombie Dave… we miss you.
    You could always start buying Retrogamer, never have to read about new computer games or systems ever again and live in a perpetual and increasingly rose-tinted present. It’s as if the 90s never happened.
    Now pass me my kempston will you, JetSet WIlly’s not going to complete itself.

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  27. Gustave Hetter

    To be honest, I get bogged down with so much shiterature (see what I did there?!) at work regarding computer games that I can’t really be arsed to read any more. As it is, the only reading for pleasure I ever get to do is when doing a bumstool on the toilet, so I simply haven’t got time to let Retrogamer into my life. It’s terribly sad.
    Did you prefer the Kempston plugin to Interface 2? And did you think that the +2 version of Agent X had fantastic music?
    Also, why can’t I get my frigging name to turn into a hyperlink to my shitty blog? I want to play, too 🙁

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  28. Speedwolf

    If your shitty blog is at http://abagochips.blogspot.com/ then you’ve managed it.
    I say stop reading Edge and Games TM and read RG. They’ve just changed publishers and although you don’t get the fab coverdisk with roms and emulators anymore the production values are great. It’s a bit steep at a fiver mind, but it’s about as close to Crash and Zzap as you’ll get these days.
    I’m a bit of a purist when it comes to the old speccy and liked using the keyboard even though most games contorted your hands into unfeeling crippled claws. It’s more a test of endurance than electronic entertainment. I can still complete Saboteur in under 5 mins. I’ll get me coat.

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  29. Gustave Hetter

    Oh, it works now. That’ll learn me.
    I never read Edge; I fucking despise it. Rather, we get magazines such as MCV, Develop and Mobile Entertainment that I’m supposed to digest. They’re about as interesting as they sound.
    Saboteur in less than 5 minutes? That’s a pretty impressive feat. I don’t think I ever finished it. Ever.
    I am considering buying a +2 for my bedroom, just so if I bring anyone back they can get a pretty good idea of the standard of sexual intercourse on offer.

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  30. Raz

    To the chaps talking about poos no longer coming out properly, whereas when they were children nuggets would pop out – I suspect this is because Mother no longer makes you nutritious fibre-enriched meals. Now you just stuff your face with – essentially – bags of pure shit, which clog up your bowels and heart. I know I do.

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  31. Gustave Hetter

    I wouldn’t change it for the world, though. Not for the world. I love scooping handfuls of raw effluence out of my own ringpiece, before tossing them nonchalantly into the toilet in a wad of soiled toilet paper. Nothing makes me feel more alive. Nothing.

    Reply

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