X. Whatever next? Y? laughlaughlaugh!â„¢
I am going to apply this unique (and trademarked, note) comedy formula to the news of today, in my second news round-up! I’m going to gorge myself on facts during the plentiful summer months, storing some choice data as a nutritious milky paste in a flap of skin in my neck. Then, when you’re about to die from cold and starvation, I’ll let you out from between my legs, and let you gulk it out of my neck.
Oh, who am I kidding? As much as it pains me to say this, I’m not a penguin, and neither are you. So let’s stop living in a stupid fucking fantasy world for ten minutes and address the issues of the day, using my new comedy idea, outlined above.
I see from ananova that the Italian prime minister has promised not to have sex until after the election. I think they may have misheard him, assuming that the italian for “erection” and “election” are as phonetically close as the English words are!!!! (They’re not so this joke essentially needs to be removed) BUT SERIOUSLY, WHATEVER NEXT? Whoopi Goldberg sailing that weird helicopter/boat from Gentle Ben into a cow-shed?
But you know, if Whoopi Goldberg DID sail that boat into a cowshed, I think it’d look something like this!
Did you notice the “If X Did Y, I Think It’d Look/Sound Something Like This + Puns” joke, then? I learned that from Punt and Dennis. I went on some hella gruelling Kung-Fu course up a mountain during which I had to imagine what puns might arise if Victor Meldrew and Larry Grayson hosted an Indian cookery programme. It was like this.
Q1. Imagine what puns might arise should Victor Meldrew and Larry Grayson somehow end up opening an Indian Restaurant. Show your working.
That was brilliant, as I’m sure you’ll agree. But I’m not one to rest on my laurels, so I’m going to develop my formula by introducing a “thematic similarity” between x and y. This link, which I have called the funbilical cord, will shroud the original formula in a thick fug of hilarity. Hold on to your anusses! (If you’re too fat to hold onto your anus, sit in the bath)
I also see from the internet news sources that the 100th UK soldier has been killed in Iraq. This is a terrible waste of hot sexy soldiers, who should rightly be performing in movies called “Rookie Fucky Five Dorrar”. Way to ruin the porn industry, Tony B-Liar. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH – WHATEVER NEXT? (note the use of the keyphrase “whatever next” – this is absolutely fundamental to the joke).
More dead soldiers, Tony? MORE DEAD SOLDIERS? 101 dead soldiers all DEAD?
(This is a political joke, so you don’t have to worry about being funny. People will clap politely and say “I may not agree with you but thank God for democracy and I’m so glad we don’t live somewhere horrid like Iraq”)
Here’s a quick ready-reckoner of some of the most common situations that arise “in today’s Britain”, and “what’ll happen next if things carry on the way they are and no mistake”.
|Gays allowed to do this thing where it’s kinda like you’re married but you’re not really||Everything, whether it likes it or not, will get routinely fucked by God knows what – probably horses or something.|
|Single mother, in the later stages of breast cancer, is given a double mastectomy on the NHS||It’ll be free tiaras and a ride in the Popemobile for any slut stupid enough not to get an abortion, and it’s the kids I feel sorry for, there’s no replacing a mother’s milk.|
|An endangered panda in London Zoo has a potential mate imported from overseas||I’ll tell you what’ next – there’ll be an endless stream of good British infants being shipped over to Vietnam for Gary Glitter to pump full of AIDS, I mean what’s wrong with British pandas? Look, I’m not saying we need to kill the cunts and burn their diseased pelts – I’m just suggesting that perhaps someone isn’t thinking of the long-term ramifications this whole situation might have. It’s not so much the actual effects as the signals we’re sending out really.|
|Foreigner does something||It doesn’t seem that bad, but imagine that foreigner doing exactly the same thing to your family, while you are forced to watch, helpless thanks to the beaurocrats in brussels who are too busy straightening bananas to get behind the lads in the trenches. It’s a world gone topsy-turvy.|
Well, that’s everything that’s happened in the last 60 years covered. Have you spotted an absurd trend, that has a hilarious logical conclusion? If so, use my amazing new comedy formula in the comments. Next time in Beyond Laughter, I’ll be studying shock humour in four chapters; old ladies pissing, old ladies swearing, old ladies vomiting, and old ladies laughing and jeering while a woman gets raped on the pinball table.
Brenda, 30th January 2006, on a colleaugue re-entering the office to fetch her keys : You just left! You’re like a rubber ball. Or a boomerang. What about a boomerang! [makes fwip sounds whilst slinging an arm around in a back-and-forth gesture not used in the throwing of boomerangs. The person has left by the time she stops]