Writing For The Kiddlewinks

Through some mix-up, I find myself briefly employed writing scripts for the adorable scamps. Children, as any advert for teaching will tell you, are honest, unprejudiced, and open-minded. When they’re not sitting on buckets and contemplating a day of well-meaning misadventure, they’re getting murdered in quarries by trusted grown-ups.
Bucket Thinking
I went to school as a “young fucker”, and I was taking notes. So I know there’s three different kinds of child.

  1. COOL KIDS : Can do bunny hops, but can’t unlock high-security doors with a laptop.
  2. CLEVER KIDS : Can do sums without sticking their tongue out, can’t smoke without eyes watering.
  3. FAT KIDS : First to get stuck in wet concrete, as their legs weigh so much it’s nearly impossible to lift them anyway. Good sacrificial friend in quicksand scenarios – use head as stepping stone.

Using this knowledge, I wrote a script that teaches children about the importance of voting.
(This is for boys, by the way. I’ve never really been a girl and didn’t spend my childhood asking them what it was like.)
CLEVER KID : What do you think is the difference between government and Parliament?
COOL KID : Hot Patootie. One is gnarly, and the other is barely tubular. Jah wobble!
CLEVER KID : This is important, Jazzy.
COOL KID : Learning is for crabs! Let’s play footbag!

Hackly Sac

COOL KID : You are the gayest at footbag. Jesters are gay.
CLEVER KID : I’m trying to teach you about parliamentary process!
COOL KID : Awww…. just dicking wit’ ya.
CLEVER KID : Are you ready to learn about Tony Blairs or not?
COOL KID : Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Voter apathy is like a big fat bum.
FAT KID : What’s happening, guys? *pant pant* Oh dear, a huge food has fallen out of my pocket. *eats it*
This is totally the easiest job in the world. Roald Dahl wasn’t so cool. And JK Rowling is some kind of piss-addled twat-fright. Because it’s so transparent that I’m utterly down with all manner of kids, I’ve decided to write more… and give them away for free! To you! (the kids)
(the idea of using a time machine as a theatrical aid to studying history is genius and 100% mine)
HAROLD : Wow, is this really Egyptian England?
MUMMY : You bet! We’re having a feast, grab a toffee apple and join the conga!
HAROLD : Where are we going?
MUMMY : You don’t know?? We’re going to see Anubis! He’s the god of the desert and death and that.
HAROLD : I’ll put that into my edu-puter!
MUMMY : Look, a cat! Lets worship it.
HAROLD : No thanks I believe in Lord Jesus Christ who died for my sins.
MUMMY : Is Jesus a cat?
HAROLD : *turning to camera* He’s certainly a cool cat to me.
MATHS IN 10,000,000AD
RHOMBUS : Wow, I just evolved legs! I’m going to walk to the shops.
FAT KID : Cool! I have similarly evolved into a sweet shop owner. I wonder who my first customer will be?
RHOMBUS : Hi! This is my first time in a sweet-shop, so what should I have?
FAT KID : Do you want anything with acute angles?
RHOMBUS : Ptui! No thanks! Acute angles are less than ninety degrees!
FAT KID : Pardon?
RHOMBUS : I said, acute angles are less than ninety degrees.
FAT KID : I’m sorry if I appear distant, it’s just that there’s an emormous food behind you. Excuse me, Food, but will you marry me?
FOOD : It’s very sudden but yes.
FAT KID : This is the happiest day of my life. *howling* Dinner!
(modes of physical transport to aid the study of geography is genius and totally 110% my idea forever IDST)
HAROLD : I wish I’d never brought you with me now!
COOL KID : Chillbo, Jah Rule. I’m just super-tweaking the c0-ordinates.
HAROLD : Oh no! We’re headed towards the icy wastelands of Baffin Island!
COOL KID : Jah Kong! Mega mega white thing on toast!
HAROLD : Groo! My head. Well, I suppose you’re very “cool” now! Now that we’re stranded in the Arctic wastes of Canada’s Baffin Island, the fifth largest island in the world!
COOL KID : Snork. On the contrary. The crash landing knocked my cool out, and now that polar bear is running away with it! Duh-huhr! Goink!
HAROLD : Stop that Polar Bear!
POLAR BEAR : Wassamadda Hot-Lips? Chillax, etc! Ag ag ag ag, Olive!
COOL KID : Oh, no! 😛 I’ve bitten my tongue. Theh theh theh.
Now you’re full to the ass with education, try these comprehension exercises.

  1. On the left is a picture of Anubis. If you met Anubis on the street, and he said “I’m a god, guess what I’m god of”, what would you say? He says he doesn’t mind if you get it wrong.
  2. Can you foresee any complications in the marriage between a fat boy and a pile of food? Can you come up with a suitable analogy, like “a perfect vacuum marrying a plenum”, or “that German guy who advertised for people who wanted to be killed and eaten”?
  3. Do you think that Jesus is a cool cat? If not, explain why not, imagining that he is there, listening to you, and is going to go and tell God straight after.
  4. Can you think of any valid reason why a six-sided shape is not called a sexagon?
  5. How would you end the Baffin Island story?
    1. The cool kid finds his cool, resumes being cool, then realise that it wasn’t his cool at all – proving that cool comes from inside?
    2. The Polar Bear feeds the cool to his cubs, who immediately start breakdancing. Choked by his first fatherly instincts, Jazzy the Cool Kid stays on the Baffin Island to teach the cubs Ultimate Frisbee until they are eighteen.
    3. Harold gets cross at a penguin that shouldn’t be there.

There you fuckin’ go. There’s some red-hot education, bitches.

18 thoughts on “Writing For The Kiddlewinks”

  1. Just when you think you’ve read all the possible varients of words in the English language, Log comes along and creates some new bastard children.
    He must sit at his palace made of lobsters and diamonds at a huge mahogany desk in front of a curled piece of parchment with a quill and cackle to himself as he furiously scribbles away phrases such as ‘learning is for crabs, ‘ and ‘ Ultimate Frisbee until they are eighteen’.
    His eyes wide with a sort of hate, but it’s also a sort of love…

  2. A small list of things that Log is allowed to use unsupervised:
    Canal towpath.
    Hot cup of tea.
    If you can hear a slight tinkling sound, that’s the noise of my mind boggling. He’s clearly not right in his skull…

  3. You’ve just made me smile on what, until now, has been the worst day of my life.*
    Anubis is the god of Dogs Who Look Like Sheep, and Peoples With No Neck. Look at him. It’s blimmin’ obvious.
    *Except for the time I spent 3 hours in a holding cell in Belgium with a bunch of illegal Africans. I’ve just remembered that.
    As if I’d fucking smuggle myself to Belgium on purpose.

  4. Girl Power! No, wait, thats not the right response..
    That post left me tingling in my special garden… and got me thinking about other peoples special gardens, special sexy gardens, sexy dark wet gardens.. um, just to clarify – I’m talking about masturbation.
    Take the ‘Not Top 5’ challenge. Why, yes, I do have alot of time on my hands, how did you know?…

  5. “5: Jessica Simpson”.
    Correctly correct. But what you didn’t mention is that she looks exactly the same as the bloke who played Flash Gordon in the 1980’s film version. She does. Go and Google a picture of him. Now photoshop a wig on him. Go on. See? Exactly the same.

  6. Jesus Christ – you’re right!
    Now, if we can put a wig on Brian Blessed, does he end up looking like Mariah Carey?
    Because Mariah Carey, with a beard, and big golden wings would be dreamy!
    Me: Say that thing I like Brian..
    Me: Go on, you know what I mean.. say it again, whisper it in my ear you little tease…
    Brian: GORDONS ALIVE??!!
    Me: Ohhh.. come here you big lug…

  7. 1. Anubis is the god of small brass hinges, if you happen to be a hinge and of any other material or size than Ra is the deity you favour.
    FAT KID: Why don’t you look at me when we make love?!?
    FOOD: (sneering) We don’t make love, you just stick that thing into whatever part of me happens to be squisheist!
    Also, I don’t have any eyes!
    Suitable Analogy: A depressed robot fucking a plug socket and weeping oily tears.
    3. I do not think Jesus is a cool cat. But only because He’s listening and would go and tell God I’m a Communist and not to let me into Heaven, the big fucking girl.
    4. Those who dare to may be accused of geometric racism and who wants THAT hanging ’round their necks and weighing heavily on their conscience?
    5. iii- He should then instigate an imaginary penguin cull and destroy the whole Island with a small hammer and a bottle of super-strength Listerine.
    Log, I don’t mean to kiss arse but my mental top three of PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH now reads:
    1. Jon Blyth
    2. Chris Morris
    3. Charlie Brooker

  8. Wow. If you allocate 5 points for first place, 3 for second, and 1 for third, that means I’m 25% better than Nathan Barley. In one man’s head. Result!
    Also what have you been doing in the pub at 4:42, Speedwolf, you stripe-headed twat?

  9. Not in an erotic way, you understand. I’ve never met the guy, and if I did he can stay well away from my manbreasts. I just think he’s a waste of a backpage in the Guardian on Fridays. I mean, that backpage could house Calvin & Hobbes, for god’s sake.

  10. I ran into Jimmy Carr this weekend. How about that. I do not find him funny in the slightest. Sadly I missed the chance to give him a chinese burn. That would have taught the scrunched faced fucker.


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