Through some mix-up, I find myself briefly employed writing scripts for the adorable scamps. Children, as any advert for teaching will tell you, are honest, unprejudiced, and open-minded. When they’re not sitting on buckets and contemplating a day of well-meaning misadventure, they’re getting murdered in quarries by trusted grown-ups.
I went to school as a “young fucker”, and I was taking notes. So I know there’s three different kinds of child.
- COOL KIDS : Can do bunny hops, but can’t unlock high-security doors with a laptop.
- CLEVER KIDS : Can do sums without sticking their tongue out, can’t smoke without eyes watering.
- FAT KIDS : First to get stuck in wet concrete, as their legs weigh so much it’s nearly impossible to lift them anyway. Good sacrificial friend in quicksand scenarios – use head as stepping stone.
Using this knowledge, I wrote a script that teaches children about the importance of voting.
(This is for boys, by the way. I’ve never really been a girl and didn’t spend my childhood asking them what it was like.)
CLEVER KID : What do you think is the difference between government and Parliament?
COOL KID : Hot Patootie. One is gnarly, and the other is barely tubular. Jah wobble!
CLEVER KID : This is important, Jazzy.
COOL KID : Learning is for crabs! Let’s play footbag!
TEN MINUTES LATER
COOL KID : You are the gayest at footbag. Jesters are gay.
CLEVER KID : I’m trying to teach you about parliamentary process!
COOL KID : Awww…. just dicking wit’ ya.
CLEVER KID : Are you ready to learn about Tony Blairs or not?
COOL KID : Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Voter apathy is like a big fat bum.
FAT KID : What’s happening, guys? *pant pant* Oh dear, a huge food has fallen out of my pocket. *eats it*
This is totally the easiest job in the world. Roald Dahl wasn’t so cool. And JK Rowling is some kind of piss-addled twat-fright. Because it’s so transparent that I’m utterly down with all manner of kids, I’ve decided to write more… and give them away for free! To you! (the kids)
HISTORY : HAROLD AND THE TIME MACHINE
(the idea of using a time machine as a theatrical aid to studying history is genius and 100% mine)
HAROLD : Wow, is this really Egyptian England?
MUMMY : You bet! We’re having a feast, grab a toffee apple and join the conga!
HAROLD : Where are we going?
MUMMY : You don’t know?? We’re going to see Anubis! He’s the god of the desert and death and that.
HAROLD : I’ll put that into my edu-puter!
MUMMY : Look, a cat! Lets worship it.
HAROLD : No thanks I believe in Lord Jesus Christ who died for my sins.
MUMMY : Is Jesus a cat?
HAROLD : *turning to camera* He’s certainly a cool cat to me.
MATHS IN 10,000,000AD
RHOMBUS : Wow, I just evolved legs! I’m going to walk to the shops.
FAT KID : Cool! I have similarly evolved into a sweet shop owner. I wonder who my first customer will be?
RHOMBUS : Hi! This is my first time in a sweet-shop, so what should I have?
FAT KID : Do you want anything with acute angles?
RHOMBUS : Ptui! No thanks! Acute angles are less than ninety degrees!
FAT KID : Pardon?
RHOMBUS : I said, acute angles are less than ninety degrees.
FAT KID : I’m sorry if I appear distant, it’s just that there’s an emormous food behind you. Excuse me, Food, but will you marry me?
FOOD : It’s very sudden but yes.
FAT KID : This is the happiest day of my life. *howling* Dinner!
GEOGRAPHY : HAROLD IN THE BAFFIN ISLANDS
(modes of physical transport to aid the study of geography is genius and totally 110% my idea forever IDST)
HAROLD : I wish I’d never brought you with me now!
COOL KID : Chillbo, Jah Rule. I’m just super-tweaking the c0-ordinates.
HAROLD : Oh no! We’re headed towards the icy wastelands of Baffin Island!
COOL KID : Jah Kong! Mega mega white thing on toast!
HAROLD : Groo! My head. Well, I suppose you’re very “cool” now! Now that we’re stranded in the Arctic wastes of Canada’s Baffin Island, the fifth largest island in the world!
COOL KID : Snork. On the contrary. The crash landing knocked my cool out, and now that polar bear is running away with it! Duh-huhr! Goink!
HAROLD : Stop that Polar Bear!
POLAR BEAR : Wassamadda Hot-Lips? Chillax, etc! Ag ag ag ag, Olive!
COOL KID : Oh, no! 😛 I’ve bitten my tongue. Theh theh theh.
Now you’re full to the ass with education, try these comprehension exercises.
- On the left is a picture of Anubis. If you met Anubis on the street, and he said “I’m a god, guess what I’m god of”, what would you say? He says he doesn’t mind if you get it wrong.
- Can you foresee any complications in the marriage between a fat boy and a pile of food? Can you come up with a suitable analogy, like “a perfect vacuum marrying a plenum”, or “that German guy who advertised for people who wanted to be killed and eaten”?
- Do you think that Jesus is a cool cat? If not, explain why not, imagining that he is there, listening to you, and is going to go and tell God straight after.
- Can you think of any valid reason why a six-sided shape is not called a sexagon?
- How would you end the Baffin Island story?
- The cool kid finds his cool, resumes being cool, then realise that it wasn’t his cool at all – proving that cool comes from inside?
- The Polar Bear feeds the cool to his cubs, who immediately start breakdancing. Choked by his first fatherly instincts, Jazzy the Cool Kid stays on the Baffin Island to teach the cubs Ultimate Frisbee until they are eighteen.
- Harold gets cross at a penguin that shouldn’t be there.
There you fuckin’ go. There’s some red-hot education, bitches.