You Don't Be Telling Me That Happened

Today, I ‘m teetering with half a buttock on my chair. This is part of a hyper-new (March 2006) exercise regime – the continuous “tensation” that gluteal teetering brings is scientifically proven to automagically convert grotesque fat into strips of tough, dry meat in a wildly shorter period of time than you’d think.

time you’d think actual time
about three months probably more like one month actually
i don’t know… a month? well yeah but a short one like february

And it’s so flexible! I can teeter whilst watching TV, I can teeter at work – where the extra precariousness from my wheeled-chair makes my teetering extra-brinky. I can even teeter on the tube! Although this requires you to sit sideways, and place your legs over the knees of your neighbour).
It was during a TV-Teeter that I accidentally watched the “News” – and I thought to myself… you know, this news! It’s ripe for a kind of “commentary”. I could be the first person to look at the news, and remark on it. Then I remembered that I keep a blog, and I’m certainly one of the only people to do that. So today, I’m going to give my UNIQUE TAKE ON GOINGS-ONS.
PRODIGAL CATTY CATKINS
That story’s about a cat who went away for six years, then came back. I wonder what he got up to? I bet he got into some scrapes! If only cats could write, or mime. But this period of history is a closed book to us – even using CCTV footage to piece together his six years as a stray, there comes a point where you have to say “this is not a valid use of my time, and the police are being really unco-operative”.
So I’ve imagined what he did! Here it is!

  • Put his paw over his nose in a TV advert to show contempt for unbranded cat food.
  • Put his paw over his nose in surprise after walking into a patio door.
  • Put his paw over his nose to try and work out if that puddle he just walked through was piss.

GEESE EAT WALLS – NOT THE ICE CREAM LOL 🙂 BRB
“This’ll stop those pesky geese!” said the foreman, as he put the final touches on his new wall. “I’ve covered the wall in aniseed! Geese hate aniseed, it stands to reason. This time they’ll never eat my delicious chocolate cottage! Now for a well-deserved forty winks!”
[FORTY WINKS LATER]
“OH FUCKING HELL MY WALL HAS BEEN ALL ET. HOW DID IT APPNE”
[READS NEWSPAPER : HEADLINE IS “GOOSE BEFRIENDS DOG IN BID TO EAT WALL”, SUBTITLED “DOGS LOVE ANISEED”]
“Bah! Trust that wily goose to know which animals like aniseed. Also, curse the typewriter ants who conspire to deliver me these newspapers every time I so much as have a shit.”
[READS NEWSPAPER : HEADLINE IS “MAN SHOUTS NEAR DIGESTED WALL”]
POLICE DELAY IN REPLYING TO SOMETHING
My last “UNIQUE TAKE ON THE NEWS IN THE WORLD” is going to be political, so hold on to your hats (opinions) because they’re going to get BLOWN AWAY!
BORING. I can’t be arsed commenting on that. So I’ve improved it instead.

All police authorities in England and Wales rebelled against Home Secretary Charles Clarke and refused to look in a box with a big question mark on it.
Association of Police Authorities chairman Bob Jones accused Mr Clarke of seeking to “surprise and baffle” leaders of the 43 forces.
No police authority even approached the box in time for today’s Home Office deadline, despite Mr Clarke’s offer of financial incentives that “it could contain anything from money, to holidays, or it could be something horrid like a severed foot.”
Mr Jones said: “Police authorities have unanimously rejected the Home Secretary’s plans to force us to open the box, and we believe there are alternative options such as quickfire trivia with a gunging penalty for three consecutive wrong answers.”
Opening the box on Christmas Day, Charles Clarke revealed that it contained £600 million and a silver buckle.

That was my fantastic neverbeforedone sideways glance at the news. Now, back to my teetering – these buttocks won’t get firm enough to pick daisies if I just sit typing to you lot all day!

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