Gambling is brilliant. Whether you win twenty pee on watching a horse run, or six pounds on whether a drunk dog will bite your newborn child, gambling is exciting, profitable, and best of all, it’s erecting an fizzing neon YA BOO NOBBER and pointing it at God.
God doesn’t like gambling, apart from a Â£2 flutter on the Grand National. Every bet you make is a bet against God. So when you win, God has to put another bucket of gold ingots and spicy hams in your locker in Heaven. (There is no hell, as such. Just a rubbish heaven with no gold and bland hams.)
I’ve gambled throughout my entire life, so I’ve picked up a few tips.
1. Always bet on 33.
Seriously, I have played roulette for six years now, and on every spin of every wheel, the winning number has always been 33. This is one of the most closely guarded casino secrets – they actually employ people to say things like “24 feels ace” and “SIX IS HOT TO GO” to stop you betting on 33. Also, sometimes the croupier will put his thumb over one of the threes, and say “Oh Look! It’s number three.” If he does this, politely but firmly ask him to remove this thumb.
|This never happens – it is a combination of paints and photoshop trickery employed by casino owners to stop people betting on 33.|
1. STICK ON 21
It’s so, so, easy to get carried away, especially because the casino way of saying “do the twist” is to say “hit me baby upside one time”. Say these two things in your head.
|WHAT YOU SAY||HOW YOU SOUND|
|“HIT ME”||Fuckin’ shit banana splits. You sound like a player. WOO YOU.|
|“No thanks, I’ve got enough cards.”||Oh, BOO HOO. I don’t want any more cards because my hands are full. My lickle wrists might snap in two if you put another card – which incidentally weigh about two grams – in them, because I am a shit-eyed FAG.|
But remember, even though it sounds really boring, you are going to have to say it at some point. When I started playing Blackjack, the croupier eventually stopped me when I got up to 253. “Dude,” he said. “I admire your tenacity, but you have to learn to let go.” Then he asked me to shut up when I wouldn’t stop saying “hit me” throughout everyone else’s turn. Eventually he hit me LOL.
2. DON’T SIT ON YOUR HANDS
It looks childish and you’ll need at least one hand to move your chips around. If you like the feeling of sitting on hands, then fill a rubber glove with mince, microwave it for thirty seconds, and sit on that.
|Craps is named after Christopher Lillicraps, who would – as a child – put five dice up his anus and squat above a bath-tub. Then he’d swallow burps until they turned into a trump, which blew them out. His family were originally horrified, but their discouraging gestures were misinterpreted by the short-sighted Lillicrap as betting punditry. When his family realised that they had accidentally won over Â£75, they bought Christopher a bigger bath, and took their game to the mafia, who reduced the number of dice to two, because that’s all they had on them.|
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t win at craps – if someone refers to you being on a “red hot roll”, that’s just casino slang, and they’re calling you gay.
The rules of Mellancamp are lost to history, so it’s virtually impossible to say whether you’ve won or lost – you just have to stand in absolute silence until one of the judges hands you an upturned bell (meaning you can enter the exoskeleton for a two-minute aisle dash), or a hoof (which allows you to go under the table, where the main game takes place). Once under the table, it’s a free-for-all, as everyone shouts numbers and swear words, and hands massive bunches of five pound notes to each other with a sense of playful purpose. There’s a pair of bears ripping each other to shreds in a cage, but no-one really pays attention to that, and it’s only really kept in for tradition. After two weeeks playing Mellancamp, gamblers are asked to write a 1,000-word essay saying what they have learned, and the most lucid account wins a five-minute exoskeleton aisle dash (but must remember to refuel regularly or they lose everything).
WOW-TIME : I have bought a DEFINITE winning roulette strategy from ebay. It only cost Â£2.50, and very soon I’m going to be a roulette billionaire. I’ll keep you updated, because I’m very excited about my imminent jetsetting lifestyle in Monte Carlo and I might buy The Hague. Well, I say that. The guy hasn’t emailed it to me, yet. Man, I can’t wait. EMAIL ME MY PASSPORT TO MILLIONS OF POUNDS, YOU FUCKER!