Monday : Tuesday : Wednesday
As part of my promise to myself not to write about Brenda for a week, I’m trawling through some video files and seeing if they’re any cop. And lo! Some are better than others.
Wednesday brings the zany antics of Jaws and David – two goldfish who simply couldn’t be crazier! Also, there’s Paul and Tom in “The Ankle That I Have Broken”. Crazy days! If there’s one thing crazier than Paul, it’s Tom! Crazy time!!
THE GOLDFISH BOWL
The brief that 3 gave us was to be edgy. They were a new mobile network provider, and wanted to be seen as groundbreaking and “dangerous”. The cuntishness of “dangerous comedy” aside (hands up if you like Monkey Dust – now, everyone with their hand up, please slap yourselves silly), we soon found out exactly how dangerous they meant. Our forbidden list included:
- all swear words stronger than pinkies
- any reference to sex, beyond “a wry look at the difference between the sexes”
- any reference to any drug, including alcohol
- any violence that might be imitated (lasers were OK)
- cruelty to animals. One episode of Paul and Tom featured a robot dog getting tapped on the nose with a spade. It was rejected.
- Arbitrary Other : Robot Q, with his effeminate voice, was judged to be a child, so we couldn’t be cruel to him. The solution? Write a script where he claims, proudly, that he is seven hundred fucking years old (without the fucking, obviously). Then mangle him in every way possible.
They were also so sensitive about appearing racist, that a cartoon was ditched at the last minute because someone noticed that the zookeeper looked a bit Indian. “You can’t imply that an Indian man molests pandas”, they said. Our reply, of course, was “OH COME ON, THEY’RE ALL FUCKING AT IT, TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND”.
“We might as well write about a couple of fucking goldfish,” I thought wryly to myself, whilst puffing on my +1 Pipe of Intelligence. And the rest is zany fishbowl history!
So, how do two goldfish entertain themselves with no external stimuli? Well, they piss and shit themselves, so that’s two episodes sorted. Then there’s special guests, which included an Uncle, a nephew, a deep-sea DJ, and in this episode, a hapless bear and two hundred spectators.
PAUL AND TOM
You’ll remember from Monday that Paul and Tom are intensely competetive, and that by episode forty we’d got so desperate that we had them bickering about wardrobes. This is episode fifty. Seriously, when it came to awful, repetitive comedy, we wrote enough unchanging shit to put Little Britain to shame.