To All Future Contestants Of The Crystal Maze

Should The Crystal Maze get recommissioned, another generation of highly-energised young executives will have to face up to an agonising question; should I buy my eager but proven-stupid friend out of their themed prison at the cost of one crystal?
Too often do we let our unreliable emotions make this decision – look at that sad little face behind the bamboo cage. You can’t look at that face and say “yes, but he did just make an absolute spastic of himself in there, and we’d probably be better off without him rolling around and kissing his shoulders in the Crystal Dome”.
So I’ve developed this, the Crystal Maze Buy-Out Ready Reckoner – just a quick glance will tell you how many man-seconds you have in the dome, and whether giving up one crystal for a team member will increase (green), decrease (orange), or have no effect (white) on your overall times.


The Crystal Maze was last made in 1995. This has been bugging me for quite a while, and I’m glad to have got it off my chest. Good day.

14 thoughts on “To All Future Contestants Of The Crystal Maze”

  1. you are clearly sober, such nonsensical dribble can only be explained this way. There mere suggestion of something with a foundation in ‘Maths’ is entirely ludicrous, and quite frankly seeing that table sitting there all pretty and proud makes me want to smack you on the face, then turn away quickly so that you can’t see my tears. I hope you can see your own misguided notions reflected back at you in O’ Brien’s gleaming pate, and I hope you’re flipping SORRY. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???????????

  2. Lee, I think the word you were looking for is “drivel”. Then when you said “There mere suggestion of something with a foundation in ‘Maths'”, I think you meant to say something that actually makes sense. Then, when you went on you say “smack you on the face”, I think you really meant “hold your sac so tight and never let go”.
    If you want to hold my balls, Lee, just ask. Don’t feign this anger that humiliates yourself and embarrasses me. Come on, Lee. Hold my balls. Safer now.

  3. Jonesy, you perfect nonce (like The Perfect Storm, but you touch kids more) – you knew I’d correct my spelling once you’d pointed it out; so why make an unmitigated nana out of yourself here? If you want to take me on, bitch, at least do it in a place where I can’t edit your posts to make you say “HNNG I AM A TONKA-FACE”.
    You are such a Tonka face.
    AND IF YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE A PISS-BOMB TOGETHER? (That’s where you piss into each other’s foreskins and the first person to give the other non-specific urethritis wins).

  4. And when he wakes, in Jonesy form, he won’t even remember what happened here. Just that his clothes are tattered, and his penis is making a yellow discharge.

  5. The Crystal Maze Ready Reckoner is utterly brilliant. It’s simple (except for anyone called Lee, who might as well be called Barry for all the mental ability anyone called Lee has) and useful, and is an act of innovative genius.

  6. Roll up! Roll up! Get BENT SHITPIPE from Lee! Only 50p! Because it’s bent! And shit is coming out! At a rate of 50kg/sex! YES! FIFTY KILOGRAMS OF SHIT COMES OUT OF LEE’S BENT PIPE FOR EVERY SINGLE SEX HE GETS!


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