Joe vs The Volcano : A Rewrite

1. JOE MEETS MEG RYAN ON THE MEAN STREETS
Joe : Come on, piss-hat! Pick a card!
Meg Ryan : Seven of hearts!
Joe : No, physically pick one out of the pack, you dumb ho-bag.
Meg Ryan : Right, I’ll take this one.
Joe : It’s the seven of hearts!
Meg Ryan : Look again! They’re ALL seven of hearts.
Joe : Wow. This is the best trick ever.
Meg Ryan : Now I’m the seven of hearts!
2. LATER, AT THE VOLCANO
Boulder : You’ve changed, Volcano. You’re no fun any more.
Volcano : I’ve been meaning to tell you. I am getting engaged to the Pyrenees. My crazy days are over.
Boulder : Aw. Are you gonna get married? Are you gonna have a little wedding with almonds in little fucking bags?
Volcano : Yes! There will be many almonds in little fucking bags!
Boulder : Excuse me. I’m going to roll around in a copse for a while.
Volcano : Don’t block the exits to any caves!
Boulder : Fuck you.
Volcano : To celebrate my engagement to an entire mountain range, I will festoon that pretty village with delicious lava!
3. MEG RYAN BUYS A CANDLE
Meg Ryan : CANDLE ME FAT BOY
Candle Salesman : I only have one candle left and it smells.
Meg Ryan : Good smell?
Candle Salesman : Why don’t you lean in and sniff for yourself?
Meg Ryan : Alright, I will.
[Meg Ryan sniffs the candle]
Meg Ryan : Oh no! It’s a trap!
Candle Salesman : Correct! It smells impolite!
4. JOE MEETS THE VOLCANO IN A BARN
Volcano : Fight time!
Joe : Dragon Punch!
Volcano : Roundhouse Kick!
Joe : Double Roundhouse!
Volcano : …
Joe : Fight me!
Volcano : I’m building up power, hang on.
Joe : OK, cool.
Volcano : …
Joe : This had better be good.
Volcano : …
Joe : Are yo –
Volcano : BUM-WEE HORSE!
Joe : Eh?
Volcano : It’s a horse that wees out its bum.
5. BOULDER WANTS A BIKE-CYCLE
Boulder : Is this Halfords?
Biggles : I’ll give you three guesses.
Boulder : Yes!
Biggles : Incorrect.
Boulder : Yes!
Biggles : Incorrect.
Boulder : …
Biggles : It isn’t Halfords.
Boulder : LET ME GUESS
Biggles : OK, sorry.
Boulder : It’s no good now, you’ve ruined it.
6. THE PYRENEES DUMP THE VOLCANO
Pyreness : Hello you are dumped. Can we be friends?
Volcano : Let’s give it a couple of months.
Pyrenees : This is so like you.
Volcano : So like you more like.
Pyrenees : I’m like you. Look at me. HNG.
Volcano : Stop it or I’m telling.
Pyrenees : I’ve already told. Everyone knows.
Volcano : You can’t have done because I would have heard you tell.
Pyrenees : I did it in code.
Volcano : Ah but I’ve got a decoding machine.
Pyrenees : It’s unplugged.
Volcano : It’s solar-powered.
Pyrenees : I told at night.
Volcano : Look over there. That horse is weeing out of its bum.
7. JOE STARES OUT OF A WINDOW FOR TWENTY MINUTES WHILE MEG RYAN IS SUPERIMPOSED IN THE SKY BUT HE CAN’T SEE HER BECAUSE IT’S A METAPHOR
8. THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION
Joe : I love Meg Ryan but I have to jump into the volcano.
Meg Ryan : I love you too don’t jump into the volcano.
Joe : Sorry it is just something I have to do.
Meg Ryan : That is a shame, but I will wait for you.
Joe : I’ll be dead.
Meg Ryan : OK, I won’t wait for you.
THE END

5 thoughts on “Joe vs The Volcano : A Rewrite

  1. Raz

    Marvellous.
    Also, thanks for putting that picture of a rubber vagina just below, which has now popped up twice. The girl beside me has seen. She’ll probably say something to the other girls now. She is like a sort of larval Brenda.

    Reply
  2. Raz

    Also the rubber anus under that rubber vagina is HORRIBLE. It is like a cheap tea-towel holder. I recently saw some 80s porn where a lady who looked like a version of Tracy Emin but with better style but with more diseases got her anus out, and it was upsettingly deformed, like a torn piece of sushi, or something, and then the fairly-good-looking young man she was cavorting with oh god no he’s not is he he is HE’S PUT HIS COCK IN HER DEFORMED ANUS. I think he may have just put his cock in there so he didn’t have to look at the deformed anus anymore. Anyway, this all happened a long time ago (the 80s).

    Reply
  3. soulless

    Wow, that was even better than the film.
    Mind you, so was that time I slammed my penis in the washing machine detergent draw.
    SL

    Reply

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