Since putting up the Instant Arousal Collection, I’ve been swamped with emails, texts, and more. People have flung futuristic LED message frisbees at me, which have tonked me on the nose. Cheerleaders have arranged themselves to spell things with their T-shirts, and God himself stuck his dick through the clouds to piss a message into the Christmas morning snow. And lo, it was sizey.
Here’s some of the correspondance.
“Dear Another Little Disappointment,
I take approximately five minutes to masturbate, as I have a very weak grip. Your video clips last only 40 seconds. This means I had to watch the same clip eight times before I done gone off on the hands. However, by my fifth watch, erotic fatigue had set in, and the once-charged images had degraded into a bewilderingly unsexual nonsense. What do you suggest?
Yours, Pat (a boy)”
First off, Pat, shut the fuck up. These clips are infinitely sexy. Not only are they immune to porn fatigue, but because of their inifinitely sexy nature, time is irrelevant to the wanking process. Upon being exposed to these images, you will ejaculate in one divided by infinity seconds. See this graph here;
So, you can see that it is theoretically impossible for you not to have immediately slung soil. Perhaps you were watching a different clip, or perhaps you caught the reflection of yourself in the monitor glare. If you are infinitely hideous, and from the sound of your wrists you probably are, then try wanking with your monitor at an angle so you can’t see yourself grunting.
“hello i can’t watch video at work do you have any infinitely erotic jpegs for me to look at please”
Well, it’s not possible for a still image to be infinitely erotic. Think of any erotic image from any magazine, and then think how much sexier it’d be, if the tits and cocks were bouncing around. As bouncy is sexier than unbouncy, and still images cannot be bouncy, it stands to reason that still images cannot be infinitely sexy. That said, I do have some images that are (infinity – bouncy) sexy, that you can set to be your desktop wallpapers.
Drizzled With Ecstasy – I Can’t And Won’t Stop The Spunk
The Garden Of Flesh – Terror Is The Spice In The Curry Of Love
Paris Is For Lovers – I’m On A Semen Diet – I See Men, I Eat Their Semen
Looking at these images will, I promise, cause your busters to spin in their pods.