Hi! I’m Judge Ito! Remember me? That’s right, I was the guy who whacked a fountain pen in some chick’s neck. Man, the weather sure was close that day – it was hotter than a goblin’s ass-crack. You know, this planet we share is a crazy place – for example, did you know that marmots got their name from Marmite on toast? Or that the Japanese have no numbers at all? Ask them what they scored at Pac-Man, and they’ll just draw a red line on some rope!
GEE! THAT’S THE HISTORY OF PINBALL!
You don’t see pinball any more, do you? That’s because pinball flippers were outlawed in 1994, after Tony Blair fell into a Star Trek pinball machine. While Cherie was trying to pull him out, her leg kept hitting the buttons, and poor old Tony’s balls got mashed to a pulp by those flippers. That poor guy! He was in so much pain, I’m afraid to say he lost control of his bowels. That day, I joined a small and unhappy group of people who have witnessed a British Prime Minister shitting on a gently tilted picture of Jean-Luc Picard.
BUT!!! Expect a pinball comeback if Gordon Brown takes the leadership – he was raised in the wild by pinball flippers after his parents were diced in a tunnel of lasers. “I think of myself as around 12% flipper,” he confided in his magical mirror. Newsflash, Gordon! That mirror ain’t magical! It’s a fuckin’ window!
GEE! THAT’S THREE THINGS YOU CAN’T DO WITH LADY MISS KIER!
- Crush her in your palm like you’re the most evil dude ever or something
- Use her like a battering ram to knock coconuts out of a palm tree
- Buy a “London” travelcard for her – (they’re non-transferable and you’ll be funding terrorism)
GEE! THAT’S THREE THINGS YOU CAN!
- Appal her with that picture of a bodybuilder whose ass just exploded
- Give her a sense of mystery by throwing question marks at her head
- Infuriate her with non-stop childish questions, like “what’s a bum?” and “have you got a bum?” and “if you didn’t have a bum would you buy one?”
Over to you, Count Fibula!
GEE! THAT’S HOLLYWOOD TITTLE-TATTLE! with Count Fibula
Is there anything these so-called superstars won’t do for $40 million? Only last week, action director Tony Woo came up to me and said “here, take a million dollars, all you have to do is come in here swing around on some wires and kick Keanu Reeves in the head a couple of times.” I looked at him, and I said “Oh, no you don’t, Tony. I’ve fallen for that one before, in the local sauna. Two hours in a sling with God-knows-what going up my ass, and did Keanu Reeves turn up? Did he hockey-sticks. ”
And that is so typical of Hollywood. One day you’re sucking A-List dick in a toilet made of sunshine, the next you’re being dry-humped by a stray dog in a skip full of syringes as you come out of a three day meth bender. Anyway, I’m totally made up by my new feature… Natural Born Celebrity Enemies List!
- Richard Whiteley vs Conrad Black
- Martin Short vs Shelley Long
- Supergrass vs Mow Mowlam
- Jimmy Nail vs MC Hammer
- Christopher Walken vs Chevy Chase
- Peter Sellers vs Joan Baez
- River Phoenix vs Matt Dam-on
- The Sugarhill Gang vs The Anthill Mob
- Orlando Bloom vs Deforest Kelly
- Hettie Wainthropp vs Gay Burns
- Alan Aldi vs Sid Lidl
- Arial Sharon vs Omar Serif
- DOUBLES MATCH! Cagney & Lacey with Elizabeth Shue vs Sol Campbell and The Barefoot Doctor
Thanks, Count Fibula! Well, that’s all for today’s Big Judge Ito’s Gee! That’s Neat-o! Got any amazing facts and shit that you think I’ll like? Leave ’em in the comments! Go on! Don’t make me beg. I just want comments.