If you’re here, chances are you’ll have been to the Law of the Playground, and you’ll obviously have bought the book. You’ll have marvelled at the highly-polished and consistently hilarious entries, and gone “awoo” at the adorably frank tales of mental and genital mutilation.
I’ve let my backlog of submissions grow again – this is a normal thing. Any time I sense anything enjoyable becoming a duty, I shit my pants and run a mile, fresh shit tumbling from my new flared cords. But I’m going in there, now. I’m going to have a crack at it. (I’m at work, which is a bigger duty. So editing Law of the Playground submissions wins.)
First up, the ancient and sacred act of sick, sic malestation!
- a boy i know called david kirby rapes dogs!!!!
This was submitted anonymously, so I can’t email the author to say “Wow, does David really rape dogs? I’m just checking ‘cos I’d hate to publicly accuse him of raping dogs if it’s just sexual assault. I mean, is there penetration? Or does he just tickle their balls?”
He’s submitted malesting a number of times, too. He appears to be on an Erin-Brocknovich style crusade to bring David Kirby to justice. Anonymous user – send me video evidence and I will help you. Until then, please go fuck yourself.
- I WOZ ERE (a cautionary tale about letting your children near Nigel Rees books)
- (name) was here
Now I’m gone
Left my name
To turn you on
I’m not initially keen on this. However, after wincing and umming, I reckon I do like the idea that the writer left their name in the belief that it would turn people on. So I’m going to have to rewrite this one.
Ah. There you go. Just one more, as someone’s given me some of that kind of work that shows up if you don’t do it.
- gerbil trousers
- I never once got to the top of the rope in P.E. I could have done, but I’d have never heard the last of it when I came back down…
I think I almost know what the author means. But so many questions spring to mind. Why would you never have heard the last of it? Were your genitals all funny, and weren’t you wearing knickers? Did anyone else who climbed the rope ever hear the last of it? Are you a girl? They don’t make girls climb ropes in skirts, do they? More importantly, what’s your point? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? IS THIS A STORY ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD, OR ARE YOU JUST SLYLY WINKING AT THE CAMERA? SHOW ME YOUR FUNNY GENITALS!
Most importantly of all, why did you see fit to put this story under gerbil trousers, the delightful tale of girls putting rodents near their fannies?
I understand we’ve probably done childhood to death by now. Perhaps we should move on to angsty teenagers and The Smiths posters and innovative jokes about students’ fridges with the milk labelling already. Alternatively, I could open my face with a knife.