Hello! Here is my happy story about bicycles, dwarves, and Richard Archer from Hard-Fi. It’s in three chapters! CHAPTER ONE BICYCLES I have bought a bicycle. Having a bicycle is brilliant, even if you can’t just put your legs in the air and go forward by yelping enthusiastically. It’s exercise, it’s saving me money, it’s … Read more
Hi there, Jennifans! As you all know, my life is amazing, and I have three bags full of crazy fun with every mouthful. However, that’s not to say that my daily life isn’t an agonizing catalogue of loss and regret. It’s because I love so much, and so intensely – the only equivalent I can … Read more
Rosy Rockets is a bucket of inspiration. Raz is a pixel genius. I had an argument with an old woman who claimed my dad was fucking my sister in law. I never thought these things would come together, but they have. First, read the post about Irene, because it sets up the whole story. It’s … Read more
1. Click on the image above, which is a link to a legible version of it. 2. Print the menu out, and take it to any of the family-friendly pub food chains. 3. Demand any of the items on your menu at the bar. Remember to make a note of your table number. 4. When … Read more
FACE 9: THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME Now, you have won my trust. I’m going to give you a tiny box. I want you to take this box into a mysterious cave, and place it on a dais, or plinth. If you are there at the prescribed time, a shaft of sunlight will enter … Read more
Russell sits in his chair. He looks around, whistling, and takes a sip out of his coffee. He smacks his lips a couple of times, and looks confused. He points his finger into the air, before flying it around like an aeroplane, and bringing it down on his intercom button. PA TO MR RUSSELL T … Read more
Can anyone beat my black, homeless dwarf for a minority super-niche? I found him outside Elephant & Castle station, and because I’m such an amazing minority myself – it ain’t easy bein’ this pretty, you jealous bitches – I knew we’d get along. We talked about how much money the council threw at us, the … Read more
FACE 1: YES, I’M JIMMY CARR You’ve got me, governor – I’m the Jimmy Carr you’re looking for. How did you find me on top of this vibrating neon podium? Sorry I couldn’t bring myself to reduce the word “governor” to “guv’nor”, by the way. The thing is, I’m not a moronic commoner who drops … Read more
Although this conversation isn’t a true Tale of the Smear, it’s amazing how an accusation levelled at my work colleague and superior, Will Porter, that his “bum smelled of bum” and that he “pisses on bums” could lead, eventually, to a small story about his dad walking in on him while he did a shit … Read more
Hi everyone! If there’s anything that I hate about dogs (and there isn’t, because I love everything about dogs) – it’s the fact that they can’t talk. I hate that about dogs so much. I know George isn’t keeping secrets from me – I mean, what secrets could he have? I keep him drugged in … Read more