Hi. I’m Log! I’ve been writing in this blog for about six months now, and I don’t feel like we know each other. Let me tell you about my day! The first thing I do, every morning, is fling my legs gaily from the bedclothes, tap my foot on the floor – rat-a-tat-tat – and … Read more

Through some mix-up, I find myself briefly employed writing scripts for the adorable scamps. Children, as any advert for teaching will tell you, are honest, unprejudiced, and open-minded. When they’re not sitting on buckets and contemplating a day of well-meaning misadventure, they’re getting murdered in quarries by trusted grown-ups. I went to school as a … Read more

Getting the last tube home is great. First, you have the sense of satisfaction of thinking “I stayed out the latest, I win at London”. Sure, you can stay out later, but night buses are like guessing too high on The Price Is Right. You were too excitable, you went too far, and you just … Read more

Stuck for somewhere to drink beer with your grandfather? Try these discrete venues – all bar-staff are trained not to stare in disbelief as you rest your balls in the ashtray. Golden Tudor Woof * * ** ** * An old-fashioned pub, which reflects the personality of its owner, a golden labrador. It’s immensely difficult … Read more

Here’s Irene. She’s a bit of a cunt, is Irene. Her allotted, and happily embraced, duty in life is to sit at the end of the bar being this bit of a cunt. The ends of her mouth have never really been asked to curl upwards, so she’s stuck with a soggy bit of gob-flap … Read more

I’ve got a hole in my front right pocket. It’s from a combination of cheap fabric and sharp keys, I suspect. Do you know what I’ve done? I’ve moved my keys into my back pocket, and put my wallet (formerly in the back pocket) into the front. It’s too large for the hole, and anyway, … Read more

Today, I ‘m teetering with half a buttock on my chair. This is part of a hyper-new (March 2006) exercise regime – the continuous “tensation” that gluteal teetering brings is scientifically proven to automagically convert grotesque fat into strips of tough, dry meat in a wildly shorter period of time than you’d think. time you’d … Read more

Rejection is usually such a whimsical experience. You approach a gentleman and suggest 40% anal, and he pelts you with almonds. Someone dumps you the same day you were going to dump them, leaving you sounding good-natured and warm-socked when you say “You know, it’s funny, you dumping me, because I was going to dump … Read more

Because when communities start celebrating Christmas without the quality control that corporate sponsorship brings, this is the kind of shit you get outside Sainsbury’s. Listen in anguish. If you’re anything like me, you’ll enjoy the recorder flourish at the end of the verse. Before they start the verse again, and do it three times worse. … Read more