Now I’ve established Francis Gilbert as the nation’s most despicable curmudgeonly bore, I’d like to show you the first two entries on his blog. This is the man who is attempting to found a doomsaying empire around the fact that he got hit on the head by some children once, when he was on the … Read more
A year ago, they said they were going to show the Law of the Playground on the television. I had my mum propped up on a broomhandle in front of the telly, with utterly clear instructions that she wasn’t to move a muscle. My cousin’s daughters had told people in school, basking in the tertiary … Read more
TWO REASONS FOR FEELING OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE OF EVERYTHING ONE : BRILLIANT GRAFFITI The artists here had several intentions; trumpeting the need to reproduce, the exposure of sexual politeness as modern social lie, the phonetic truth behind middle-class notions of spelling. But most importantly of all, they drew a suspiciously large bubble for the … Read more
Hello, The Police. I realise it’s hard being a The Policeman, so I’m taking time out to help you with your enquiries. 1. HOW TO CATCH MURDERERS Alton Towers haven’t used their Cine 360 since 1985, so let’s use it to fool killers into confessing. First, send every suspected murderer an invitation to a special … Read more
Welcome back to the crazy world of Triangle and Square. And when I say crazy, I mean that guy from Airplane who says “Rapunzel! Rapunzel!” crazy. IE DAMN CRAZY. The Triangle & Square Show is the thing that my mate Simon from Mediapill puts ten tons of effort into, and I get to put on … Read more
I’ve always had this problem fitting in (to small spaces = fat lol). But seriously, I’ve had an awful time in this life, because I always wanted to be accepted. Embraced. But I am now 32, no-one’s ever touched me, and my attempts to join a Premiership football club are met we increasingly unkind refusals. … Read more
Yesterday, I developed a new way of “dealing with fucking awful pedestrians”. My previous method was to imagine the whole-walking-down-the-street business as a computer game, making “swip-swip” sounds as I strafed in bullet-time through an endless stream of ever more aggravating “sprites”. If I ducked between two fuckers with their umbrellas up (even though it … Read more
Today, without further ado, I’m going to start my walkthrough for the most difficult of the Fighting Fantasy books, CITADEL OF CHAOS. I found this book when I went home for Mother’s Day, which I spent mainly in the attic, because my mum only buys skimmed milk and really, what’s the point? It just makes … Read more
I’m a huge fan of nostalgia. I honestly don’t think there’s anything more satisfying than saying that everything’s really shit these days, and if you don’t think so, that’s just because you’re an idiot who hasn’t lived long enough to know how brilliant it was in the 1980s. To prove my point, here’s a graph … Read more
I received a text this week, from a number that my phone didn’t recognise. It was a joke, and the joke was so excellent that I’ve decided to rewrite it here, as an equally excellent sketch. INT. AFTERNOON. GARY AND TOM’S BEDROOM. Gary : Well, that rounds off a weekend of nothing but hot fucking. … Read more