Words – people say they’re “old-fashioned” and “what’s with the words, grandpa” – but I would reply “you just used words then didn’t you” and they’d go “oo what a valuable lesson”.
Yesterday, I developed a new way of “dealing with fucking awful pedestrians”. My previous method was to imagine the whole-walking-down-the-street business as a computer game, making “swip-swip” sounds as I strafed in bullet-time through an endless stream of ever more aggravating “sprites”. If I ducked between two fuckers with their umbrellas up (even though it … Read more
Today, without further ado, I’m going to start my walkthrough for the most difficult of the Fighting Fantasy books, CITADEL OF CHAOS. I found this book when I went home for Mother’s Day, which I spent mainly in the attic, because my mum only buys skimmed milk and really, what’s the point? It just makes … Read more
I’m a huge fan of nostalgia. I honestly don’t think there’s anything more satisfying than saying that everything’s really shit these days, and if you don’t think so, that’s just because you’re an idiot who hasn’t lived long enough to know how brilliant it was in the 1980s. To prove my point, here’s a graph … Read more
I received a text this week, from a number that my phone didn’t recognise. It was a joke, and the joke was so excellent that I’ve decided to rewrite it here, as an equally excellent sketch. INT. AFTERNOON. GARY AND TOM’S BEDROOM. Gary : Well, that rounds off a weekend of nothing but hot fucking. … Read more
In order to make up for recent “laddish” talk about pissing in the sink, shitting on my balls, and pressing my palms firmly against birds’ tits, this is a GIRLS ONLY post. Only GIRLS may click on the image below, which will answer the question all girls need answered! Girls!
Well, I very much enjoyed our last talk about piss, so let me share another story about it, that happened but recently. If you read on, I’ve also got a poo story that is OFFICIALLY 2HOT4PCZONE. Can you imagine how hot that story must be? It is hot. Talking about pisses and poos is totally … Read more
I have reached an important point in my life; I’ve had a genuinely exciting epiphany. I’ve figured out that it’s unchewed chilli peppers that make my balls ache just before I shit. This might seem like nothing to you, but it’s pretty much solved the only issue I have with my body – namely, why … Read more
Got a proper job Reviewing computer games Will write something soon It’s a bit rum, having a job I want to be good at. Doesn’t leave much time for fucking about, taking photos of plastic fannies and doing everything in my power to not be productive. I’ll be back at the blog soon, and any … Read more
Gather round, scamps and travellers – and hear my tale. Hear about what happens when you allow unapologetic incompetents to flail unchecked in the offices of our land. My own tale begins innocently enough, with a simple lapse in organisation, followed by a profound disinclination to “do anything about it”, in the spirit of “oh … Read more
This award ceremony is held in the honour of my competition winner, mydeaddog, to whom I have dedicated the rest of February. I daresay we’ll be seeing a bit of him around here over the next few posts – anyway, this is the best idea I have ever had for a film. 24 HOUR DELIVERY A young girl, who … Read more