Words – people say they’re “old-fashioned” and “what’s with the words, grandpa” – but I would reply “you just used words then didn’t you” and they’d go “oo what a valuable lesson”.
When someone decides to tell you their dreams, it’s usually a sign that you’ve got a minute of listening to someone trying to offer you massive clumsy insights into their precious, hidden psyche. “I dreamed I was falling down a pit, do you think that means I am not keen on being a gigantic failure … Read more
I just found out that Bette Davis and Joan Crawford didn’t like each other very much. Although this is sad, I suppose there’re a number of good reasons for the two to have their differences. For starters, Bette Davis had big wet eyes, and Joan Crawford had a fat top lip. These are both laudable … Read more
Couple years ago… I’m sorry, I’ll start again. A couple of years ago, I farted seven times in two minutes in a toilet cubicle, and had to spend many more minutes trying to meditate myself out of a frankly childish giggle fit. I’ve never done anything like that since. It’s not for lack of trying. … Read more
There’s nothing more satisfying than forming a relationship with a salesman. It’s like rubbing yourself off against a human transaction. Because I’ve done most things that are thrilling and sexually enticing, I spend nine days in advertising, during which I came up with most of the slogans you’ll have heard in your life, such as … Read more
Hello! Here is my happy story about bicycles, dwarves, and Richard Archer from Hard-Fi. It’s in three chapters! CHAPTER ONE BICYCLES I have bought a bicycle. Having a bicycle is brilliant, even if you can’t just put your legs in the air and go forward by yelping enthusiastically. It’s exercise, it’s saving me money, it’s … Read more
1. Click on the image above, which is a link to a legible version of it. 2. Print the menu out, and take it to any of the family-friendly pub food chains. 3. Demand any of the items on your menu at the bar. Remember to make a note of your table number. 4. When … Read more
Can anyone beat my black, homeless dwarf for a minority super-niche? I found him outside Elephant & Castle station, and because I’m such an amazing minority myself – it ain’t easy bein’ this pretty, you jealous bitches – I knew we’d get along. We talked about how much money the council threw at us, the … Read more
Although this conversation isn’t a true Tale of the Smear, it’s amazing how an accusation levelled at my work colleague and superior, Will Porter, that his “bum smelled of bum” and that he “pisses on bums” could lead, eventually, to a small story about his dad walking in on him while he did a shit … Read more
Remember that cunt, Francis Gilbert? It’s from the time when I regularly posted, and people commented. From when I was a contender. FRANCIS GILBERT POSTS Francis Gilbert vs Law of the Playground Francis Gilbert’s Real-Life Actual Blog At the time, it prompted me to start a spoof Gilbert website, which quickly became “a lot of … Read more
Have you heard about the new game that is being made? I don’t suppose you have, because the magazine article I wrote in PC Zone isn’t out yet, and it’s not like there’s any more immediate ways of getting information these days. The new game is so exciting – if you’re Korean – that it’s … Read more