I was dressed up. And when you is dressed up, you do not walk like some abused housewife bitch with your body in some dowdy-ass slump. I am a proud creature, I am fierce. People look at me and they say Damn, that bitch is everything I aspire to be! Well dream on, motherfuckers, because … Read more
What can we try to make Jimmy Carr look at today? Can any of God’s sweet wonder warrant the tiniest glimpse from Britain’s most self-regarding TV personality?
Should The Crystal Maze get recommissioned, another generation of highly-energised young executives will have to face up to an agonising question; should I buy my eager but proven-stupid friend out of their themed prison at the cost of one crystal? Too often do we let our unreliable emotions make this decision – look at that … Read more
I’m hungover, today. Properly hungover. And when I get this hungover, I get very emotional. So far this morning, I’ve cried at a story about homeless AIDS beagles, and made myself giggle on a bus by making my coffee lid do a whistle. The last time I was this drunkover, I spent all morning writing … Read more
Since they locked the students out, it’s rare for the toilets at work to have anyone in them. I’m working in administration, which means an office full of women and one fat gay bloke. While this means I do have to put up with the monstrous Brenda, it does give me free reign to express … Read more
Unthinking Space Fillers
Coming soon! Real life Firestarter and Waterboy action reality adventures inside an actual real life creepy cave in real life! (The reason I didn’t get this finished last night is because I got embarrassed doing the voices in my room, while my flatmates were watching a film next door. So I just went in and … Read more
Brenda, the lady who sits opposite me at work, and a woman whom I despise with a kind of joyful clench, has just walked in at 9:53. This is pretty late, by all accounts, so from observing her habits, I know she’s going to shout really loud about some outrageous fucking lie to justify this … Read more
This office just took a downturn. Let me introduce you to yesterday, with Brenda. 9:10 We walked into the office together. When we reached our desks, she screeched in her vinegar whine over the tables. “So why were you late?” Only she didn’t use the inflection that might have implied that she was late too. … Read more
If you have a disability that requires you to ask people for help, do try to cultivate a sunny attitude.