Jimmy Carr, eh! Never looks at anything, does he? Jimmy! London’s on fire, over there! Look at London, all on fire! Is he looking? Of course not. Jimmy Carr hasn’t voluntarily looked at anything since infancy, when he realised that seeing things filled him with a burning sense of scorn. “God, everything’s so feeble,” he … Read more
GANDHI Mohandes : I’m learning a new language! [pause] Mohandes : I can say piss in Greek! [pause] Mohandes : οÏÏα! [pause] Mohandes : That’s piss, in Greek! WHEN HARRY MET SALLY Harry : Is it orgasm time yet? Sally : Not yet. Harry : Can I… Sally : Orgasm time! Harry : You’re… hurting… … Read more
My God… It’s Full Of Knives
OH, MY! IS THAT CAPTAIN SCAAAARLAT?
This is my fourth week in the University. I’ve been working with nurses and fake cervix dolls for so long now, that I’d forgotten some of my previous jobs. And those previous jobs, while I’ve enjoyed them with a slow frown and a dumb acceptance, have been occasionally shit. According to some friends, I’m capable … Read more
Print Them Out, Wipe Yourself Down
Converted Ambulance Combines Allure, Style, Mystique As the residents of Ealing witnessed the arrival of a new kind of automobile, everyone agreed – one lucky gang of young Australian men was going to be enjoying some serious pussy this Summer. The converted ambulance that Jono, Horse and Bongo transformed into Titti Titti Bang Bang has … Read more
Episodes : One : Two : Three Firestarter and Waterboy are Superheroes. Their adventures failed to grace the screens of third generation mobile phones over two years ago, and they died from the only disease that can kill Superheroes – public indifference and biceps cancer. They died in obscurity, although you may be aware of … Read more
Apparently there’s a code of mutual respect amongst tattooed people; you don’t look at another man’s tattoos, wince in disbelief and say “what the fuck were you thinking, man? That’s not gonna come off, you know! You do know that, right? Everyone knows that. For fuck’s sake! Why didn’t you just cut your dick off … Read more
This is my attempt to be a homely, broadsheet columnist. Only I talk about balls and shit too much.