It’s been long enough since the burglary – and the tear-jerkingly generous response of friends and colleagues – for this post to not to seem like a begging message. So, here’s what I wrote the day after burglars nicked everything I own, and one of Stuart’s Dr Who DVDs that was in my XBox. I haven’t heard the last of that, I can tell you! “Why don’t you put things back in their boxes; that was part of a box set; I’m not really saying any of this, you just love the idea of being henpecked”.
When you’re burgled, by people who you’ve come to suspect are French, there are six things that pass through your mind. I’ve distilled these six thoughts as the universal human stages of dealing with home invasion, possession theft, and a lack of sexual assault that’s bordering on remiss.
Thought 1. Oh hey, I’ve been burgled pretty hard
Thought 2. I’ve got so much more space to do handstands now
Thought 3. This has the familiar whiff of France about it
Thought 4. Look at all the awesome stuff they left behind
Thought 5. I wonder if they came into the bedroom and watched me sleeping before deciding against the sexual assault
Thought 6. This could be the opportunity I’ve been waiting for to use that Windsor font from The Good Life titles
Today, I’ll be focussing on point four. Here’s what they left behind. I was going to Twitter it, then I thought “hey Log, why don’t you write a fucking paragraph”
A glass of pink wine. It was like we’d laid the room out for Santa Claus. Whenever I’m stressed, my mouth becomes dry and uncomfortable. I’d hate for anyone burgling me to become irritable and lose focus because they’re involuntarily smacking their lips and wincing, so I left a glass of murky pink wine out. Clearly – not fucking good enough for them.
If I’d known we had dignitaries visiting, I’d have put out a tube of Prawn Primula and some Tia Maria. Next time, give us a bit of fucking notice, OK? I’ll leave a Tuc biscuit wedged into a little pink cushion shaped like Prince Philip’s bumcrack. I can be classy when I need to be.
A Carnival Of Monsters Dr Who Adventure. This means one of two things. Either they thought that it actually was a carnival of miniaturised monsters, that would expand to full size when the box was opened – or they’ve already watched it, and know what incoherent shit it is. Take that, Terance Dicks! In your well-respected face!
A pouffe. I can understand this one, actually. It’s perfectly rational to imagine that this is a sophisticated Al Murray-summoning burglar alarm. The first burglar to say “do we want that pouffe?” would trigger a seventeen minute sketch with Al Murray’s gay Nazi. And I think, it’d sound, something, like, this!
Al Murray: “DID SOMEVON SAY POOUUUUUFFFE”
Henri-Luc: “He honh he honh”
Jacques: “I could use a pouffe in my downstairs room”
Al Murray: “MEE TOO IF BY DOWNSTAIRS ROOM YOU MEAN ANUS”
Jacques: “Well, I probably did. The phrase ‘downstairs room’ isn’t really a common one, I was using it mainly to set you up for that exact response. I was being a dutiful straight man ”
Al Murray: “I’M A RIGHT COMMON ONE, I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR A CHOCO LIEBNIZ”
James Corden: “I just think it’s brave of me to make so many jokes about my weight, when it must be genuinely horrible looking like I do”
Al Murray: HANG ON I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT STRAIGHT MAN YET
Henri-Paul: “Il y a onze oignons dans le poubelle, je veux les baiser”
[Al Murray re-enacts every conversation of the entire second World War in a hysterical gay voice, while Corden removes his top and starts pushing socks into his belly button]
Hot Naga Chilli. I’d like to think that the burglars were spice cowards, and my taste in nature’s thumpier condiments took them aback. However, I suspect the reality is one of them saw the bottle, got everyone to look at it, and said “Naga, Please!”
Everyone would have laughed for around twenty minutes, and then their stupid mate would have come through our window, and ruined the skirting-around-the-word fun for everyone by saying “Nigger, please” and expecting everyone to laugh in the same way. Breaking the joke in this way just sped up the theft of my stuff, so you can imagine how annoyed at him I am. Even Al Murray would have to black up before saying the nigger word, and he’s very much the barometer of what is and isn’t brilliant.
Guitar Hero World Tour: Actually, I’m bored now. I’d just put the words on the image, and felt like I had to mention it in the body copy. Look at me, saying phrases like body copy, like it’s normal. I’ll be saying “page furniture” next. PRESS B TO STOP EVOLVING INTO A PRICK
Anyway, here’s a quick summary for you:
|WHAT THEY DON’T STEAL||WHY THEY DON’T STEAL IT|
|Carnival of Monsters DVD||“Monsters are fantastical, and have no place in a world driven by short-term economic gain.”|
|Pouffe||“Cubes are physically demanding shapes to hoik through a sash window”|
|Glass of Off Wine||“No thanks, we’re burgling a house atm”|
|Hot Naga Chilli||“The security dimple in the metal cap isn’t depressed”|
|Guitar Hero World Tour||“I stole my son a real guitar last week, and I’m not sure the skills are transferable”|