Anna Soubry MP
Neneh’s Brother, Eagle Eye Cherry
This pain au chocolat
Howay jugalugs, I bet my tits are bigger than your arse
No way you fancy Nancy, I gots them juicy Windsor boo-tarks.
Charles slaps his ass and juggles his buttocks in a wild infinity loop
Fuck off Wales, I’m gonna lay down a monkey on my tits sizing off amply against your muddy pussy*. Drop your kecks and let’s compare
ZIP SOUND EFFECT. SOUND EFFECT OF COLLIDING MEATS.
I win! Now I get one wish
Diana closes her eyes and makes a wish
Phwoar. Let’s get to Buckingham Palace, where I will put tiaras on your lovely tits what are bigger’n my bum
Hooray! That was my wish
SCENE TWO: THE RELATIONSHIP GOES SOUR
Stop crying or I won’t let you wear any more crowns
It’s not fair Charles I’m so sad. I just want to be queen, right now
Why don’t you go and make friends with Kenny Everett or something. You were friends with him, weren’t you?
I think so. Either him or Freddie Mercury. Let’s just say I was friends with Kenny Everett for the sake of this movie
No wait I think Kenny Everett was friends with Cleo Rocos
FUCK OFF CHARLES
SCENE THREE: AT BBC TELEVISION CENTRE
It’s not fair Kenny Everett I just want to be the queen of England at any cost. I mean I will kill everyone I have to, seriously
Oh Di you wee dinky bagpuss! Come and watch me having sex on a ghost train
Kenny! Aren’t you worried about any killer sex diseases?
Don’t be silly, you freaky blonde piss! All sex diseases are curable. That’s the point!
GHOST TRAIN SOUND EFFECTS
Well Kenny if there ever is a killer sex disease you can be sure that I will visit the hospitals and go around touching everyone
That’s because you’re the kind woman who likes human people. Maybe you are too kind!
Ken, I couldn’t begin to tell you how many dicks I’ve got bouncing off my forehead in this place
You might as well wank a couple off. It’s pitch black in here, no-one’ll know
SCENE FOUR: DIANA MEETS DODI
I do love Harrods. It’s really expensi… OW YOU FUCKIN TROD ON MY FOOT YOU RUDE MAN
Soz babes I was just buying Harrods and the contract is so big I didn’t see you there
Well that’s as may be, I’m going to be queen one day so get off my fuckin’ hooves
DIANA STORMS OFF
She is absolutely beautiful and so pure. Send her a ten quid Harrod’s voucher
SCENE FIVE: CAMILLA MEETS DIANA AT A PARTY
Ow my fucking foot! Again! What is it with pricks stepping on my feet today, have I got cunt painted on my face?
Hello, Diana. I’m Camilla Parker Bowles, and I did it on purpose. I’m going to steal your man and be the queen.
ARE YOU FUCK AS LIKE
I FUCKIN AM
I’LL KILL THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
HERE HAVE AN APPLE
SCENE FIVE: THINGS GET WORSE WITH CHARLES
I am leaving you Charles to go on a car ride with my new boyfriend who sent me a ten quid voucher which is more than you ever gave me
That’s fine, I’ll just keep twiddlin’ Camilla’s nips
Whatever like I even care
Before you go, Diana.
I’m on my way out I can’t just turn around loads of times I’ll fall over
Give me your royal badge and royal gun
Fuck off it man I’m two days from becoming the queen
Your badge and gun, Diana. Don’t make me use the human-corgi hybrids
Diana hands over that stuff Charles asked for
This is bullshit
SCENE SIX: IN A CAR IN PARIS
How the fuck did we end up in Paris man
We are going so fast babes so fast in this car like my exotic love for you
Dodi, your balls are rock hard. Is that normal?
Yes. In foreign men the balls go hard not the penis. I am going to stuff them in you like some exotic unheard-of figs
OK! but first let’s eat this apple that my nemesis Camilla Parker Bowles gave me
Enemy apples are the most delicious apples of all where I come from in my country from abroad
THEY EAT THE APPLE. NO-ONE DIES
Well that apple was delicious, and not poisoned at all
In my country where I am from it is customary after an enemy apple to tickle the driver of the car you are in
Don’t do tickle the driver Dodi that’s dangerous
But it is tradition and you said don’t do tickle the driver so that’s really mixed messages
Tickle tickle tickle!
LAUGHING SOUNDS. CAR CRASH SOUNDS. NATION MOURNING SOUNDS
SCENE SEVEN: CAMILLA IS CROWNED QUEEN OF ENGLAND
Thanks for making me Queen of England Charles
No probs lady. Sad that Diana carked it but to be honest I like you more anyway.
Yes! In fact you might say I’m more apple-ealing
CHARLES LOOKS, SHOCKED, TO THE CAMERA AND REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE
I am going to kill everyone in England
If you’d like to hear this script performed by four revolting men, subscribe to the Regular Features podcast.
Now that More Magazine has been closed, it falls to enthusiastic amateurs to give teenage ladies their sexy tips.
1/ Cover a part of your body with a serviette. Roughly 75% of the way through your steamy sesh, whip off the serviette and say “there’s another bit for ya“.
2/ Tug at his balls with your teeth, growling. If he asks you to stop, bark enthusiastically like you think it’s a game.
3/ During your horny romp, hold a cup filled with coloured water – and try not to spill a drop!
4/ Initiate an impromptu ding-dong on the conveyor belt at the supermarket checkout. If you’re feeling super naughty, tattoo the barcode for Kellogg’s Honey Nut Crunch onto your buttock. When (if) CRUNCHY NUT FLAKES appears on the display, act like the till has said it out loud, and reply “You can get a cream for that!” then wink at the camera.
5/ Size does matter! If you discover that your fella packs less than fourteen inches, fall into a sullen melancholy, and finish yourself off with a wine bottle.
6/ Pop a clarinet reed into his dickpipe, and play him to completion!
7/ Create a sense of mysterious allure by closing your eyes! Double the compelling mystique by demanding “WHO THE HELL IS THIS?”
8/ Grab a balloon from the family-friendly world cuisine restaurant Giraffe, and allow it deflate into your sodden mum-hoop. Let your lover know you’re ready for sex by allowing the stagnant air to barrel out of your goop in a prolonged, fusty queef!
9/ Introduce a new bit of sexy clothing into the bedroom. Three words: crotchless oilskin sou’westers.
10/ Get retro! Hurl a palmful of centimetre cubes into his face mid-climax, and say “Mister! You’re spunking big pixels into my bidoof”
11/ Lie flat on your back, and let him use your body as the location for an exciting Warhammer tabletop skirmish. Don’t ruin it by bouncing your tummy up and down and saying it’s an Earthquake – it’s not funny it’s stupid stop it.
12/ Involve yourself in his fantasies! When he’s having a wank, run in with a bone-chilling battlecry and try to land on his dick!
13/ Learn his intimate secrets by rooting around in his internet history and saying you’ll tell the police if he doesn’t see a psychologist!
14/ Add a little exotic spice into your love life by slapping your hand over your open mouth to make a popping sound, and whispering “Ooga Booga” into his ear when he leans in for a kiss.
15/ Don’t be afraid to laugh in the bedroom – pop a “Family Guy In Your Pocket” key-ring into your vajongloid and generate chuckle convulsions on every thrust of his pee-wee!
16/ Break some taboos! Finger a strip of raw veal into his arsehole.
17/ Indulge in some kinky power-play by sporting a 10 inch strap-on, and drafting legislation that restricts his free speech in a state of national emergency.
18/ Bored of the bedroom? Add a little archaic flavour to your repertoire by cramming half a dozen wangs into your plap in the scullery. Don’t get your Labi Siffre snagged in the mangle!
19/ No condoms? Slide an empty can of beans into your mouth for a imperfect but effective dental dam.
20/ Why not leave the beans in the tin? It’ll be like he’s tooting some breakfasty guts.
21/ Tired? Let plate tectonics do all the hard work! Lie across your favourite fault line, and wait millenia for the earth’s shifting crust to contort your naked bodies into every sex position known to geography.
22/ Get closer to nature by placing a beetle in your hair.
23/ Try out one of our Positions of the Fortnight! We call this one “A Wanking Pink Guy”
24/ They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This couldn’t be more wrong! The way to a man’s heart is out of his winkle and onto a tea towel.
25/ A well-placed skateboard can create the sexy illusion that you are floating, gliding, and accelerating down a hill.
26/ Before foreplay, warm a boob on the radiator.
27/ As Fleetwood Mac said: tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies (tell me tell me lies). They would have been alarmed to hear Charles and Eddie sing Would I lie to you baby?, as the implication from the way the question was put was that it was a rhetorical question, and the pre-ordained answer was an emphatic “no!”
Now imagine Fleetwood Mac’s relief when Meatloaf walks in, singing I Would Lie For You! And then the relief gives way to confusion when he adds (And That’s A Fact). And a couple of seconds later, Fleetwood Mac realised that it wasn’t a paradox at all, and the two statements are very easily reconciled. The moral of the story is: Fleetwood Mac and Meatloaf immediately went on to do it (sex).
28/ Kiss him on the shins, and keep going until he suggests you do something else, or asks you to stop.
29/ Add a bit of European flavour to your lovemaking by whacking snails across a work surface with a boiled sausage.
We can’t let the vital sex tips industry die. Have you got any sizzling sex attacks that you employ on the genitals of your partner?
This is one of the Ricky Gervais horses I was talking about in the title. I have “photoshopped” Ricky into the picture for comparison. Notice the similarity of the mouths.
If you can measure a man’s happiness and success by how wide fucking open his mouth is, Ricky Gervais is as happy and successful as he is constantly reminding us he is, ostensibly as a joke.
An alternative explanation is that his mouth has achieved independent sentience, and is in open rebellion against the things it is routinely forced to say.
Two hooting Gervais horses have seen a horse in another field, and are telling him he is jealous.
Ricky Gervais Camel with two successful American camels who not only tolerate his presence, but actively seek it out.
“Your anus is bleeding! Haha! I’m Ricky Gervais”
Next time! Pool balls with Simon Pegg’s hair, or something like that. Jesus Christ
Yesterday was Mother’s Day.
If you’re reading this in a country that has phased out mums in favour of a municipal satchel of eggs, then this might be an alien concept to you. It is a day when everyone offers evidence-free and uniformly positive feedback regarding their mums.
WHY THIS IS WRONG
1. If she’s your biological mother, you are basically complimenting 50% of your own DNA. That’s pretty vain.
2. Your parents paid for your entire early life, so by offering them any form of emotional service in return, you are allowing them to make a whore of you. And if they can accept that, perhaps they’re not as “cool” as you’re making them out to be. #justsayin
3. There’s a pretty clear conflict of interests. I write about video games for a living. If my mum was a video game, and I’d be the first to admit that she’s not, people would rightly be furious if they found out I’d given her a ten out of ten, and neglected to mentioned serious technical issues with her. For example, the alarming pop-in (in 1988, when I was having a wank with my eyes closed).
I was appalled – genuinely, revolted – to read this tweet:
My mum is the best! Love you xx
To return to video games, I’m nowhere near the top of the leaderboards for Devil May Cry. And I know how do all the moves. Go on, ask me any move.
Yeah, I totally know how to do that one. In fact it makes you look ridiculous that you chose to challenge me on that particular move, because to me, that’s a really obvious one.
But the thing is, I’m a busy man. I pace up and down Oxford Street wheeling my arms, loose and urgent, above my head. With so many important things to deal with, I will never be able to put in the hours required to get to the top of these leaderboards.
So when you say your mum is the best, you’re pitting your mum against tens of thousands of teenage mums who’ve got nothing better to do with their lives than sit in their bedrooms being mums, pulling off marathon all-night mothering sessions, and calling each other’s babies fags into their headsets.
Until you come at me with some double-blind test results that have been through rigorous peer review, I’m going to reply “if your mum’s so cool, why can’t she do THIS?” Then I will get onto a trampoline and insist that you stay and watch me while I try to do somersaults, with limited success.
On a more anecdotal level, I know for a fact that your mum’s not the best, because mine is. Lovely mums! Aww. Lovely. Are you a lovely mum? Yes you are.
ACCEPTABLE WAYS TO TELL YOUR MUM YOU LOVE HER
1. Sing an adapted version of “Our House” by Crosby Stills And Nash.
My mum is a very very very nice mum,
With two cats in the yard*,
Life used to be so hard**
Now everything is easy ‘cos of you***
* Feel free to mumble this line, as it doesn’t really refer to mums
** It is important that you do not accidentally point at or otherwise refer to your genitals during the phrase “so hard”. This includes the scenario in which you are naked and visibly aroused, even if you’re not actively drawing attention to your “junk”.
*** At this stage, drop a bin bag full of laundry onto the draining board, and rummage around in the fridge for something to eat.
2. Attack your dad
Instead of showing humiliating positive emotions, why not make her feel comparatively good about herself, by swinging for your father? It’s a win-win situation.
3. Go to a Bingo night with a meat raffle
This is the one I went for, this year. And guess what? My lovely mum, 30 years a vegetarian, won first and third prizes. That’s gold and bronze meat. Hey, mum! Hold up the meat you don’t really want!
Thanks, mum! Love you! Can I have some of the meat please