Category Archives: The Fame, The Fame

Big Judge Ito's "Gee! That's Neat-o!"

Judge Ito Hooooooh

Hi! I’m Judge Ito! Remember me? That’s right, I was the guy who whacked a fountain pen in some chick’s neck. Man, the weather sure was close that day – it was hotter than a goblin’s ass-crack. You know, this planet we share is a crazy place – for example, did you know that marmots got their name from Marmite on toast? Or that the Japanese have no numbers at all? Ask them what they scored at Pac-Man, and they’ll just draw a red line on some rope!
You don’t see pinball any more, do you? That’s because pinball flippers were outlawed in 1994, after Tony Blair fell into a Star Trek pinball machine. While Cherie was trying to pull him out, her leg kept hitting the buttons, and poor old Tony’s balls got mashed to a pulp by those flippers. That poor guy! He was in so much pain, I’m afraid to say he lost control of his bowels. That day, I joined a small and unhappy group of people who have witnessed a British Prime Minister shitting on a gently tilted picture of Jean-Luc Picard.
BUT!!! Expect a pinball comeback if Gordon Brown takes the leadership – he was raised in the wild by pinball flippers after his parents were diced in a tunnel of lasers. “I think of myself as around 12% flipper,” he confided in his magical mirror. Newsflash, Gordon! That mirror ain’t magical! It’s a fuckin’ window!

  • Crush her in your palm like you’re the most evil dude ever or something
  • Use her like a battering ram to knock coconuts out of a palm tree
  • Buy a “London” travelcard for her – (they’re non-transferable and you’ll be funding terrorism)


  • Appal her with that picture of a bodybuilder whose ass just exploded
  • Give her a sense of mystery by throwing question marks at her head
  • Infuriate her with non-stop childish questions, like “what’s a bum?” and “have you got a bum?” and “if you didn’t have a bum would you buy one?”

Over to you, Count Fibula!
Is there anything these so-called superstars won’t do for $40 million? Only last week, action director Tony Woo came up to me and said “here, take a million dollars, all you have to do is come in here swing around on some wires and kick Keanu Reeves in the head a couple of times.” I looked at him, and I said “Oh, no you don’t, Tony. I’ve fallen for that one before, in the local sauna. Two hours in a sling with God-knows-what going up my ass, and did Keanu Reeves turn up? Did he hockey-sticks. ”
And that is so typical of Hollywood. One day you’re sucking A-List dick in a toilet made of sunshine, the next you’re being dry-humped by a stray dog in a skip full of syringes as you come out of a three day meth bender. Anyway, I’m totally made up by my new feature… Natural Born Celebrity Enemies List!

  • Richard Whiteley vs Conrad Black
  • Martin Short vs Shelley Long
  • Supergrass vs Mow Mowlam
  • Jimmy Nail vs MC Hammer
  • Christopher Walken vs Chevy Chase
  • Peter Sellers vs Joan Baez
  • River Phoenix vs Matt Dam-on
  • The Sugarhill Gang vs The Anthill Mob
  • Orlando Bloom vs Deforest Kelly
  • Hettie Wainthropp vs Gay Burns
  • Alan Aldi vs Sid Lidl
  • Arial Sharon vs Omar Serif
  • DOUBLES MATCH! Cagney & Lacey with Elizabeth Shue vs Sol Campbell and The Barefoot Doctor

Thanks, Count Fibula! Well, that’s all for today’s Big Judge Ito’s Gee! That’s Neat-o! Got any amazing facts and shit that you think I’ll like? Leave ’em in the comments! Go on! Don’t make me beg. I just want comments.