Pizza Express have just introduced Pizzas with holes in the middle. It’s a thrilling time for pizza lovers everywhere – and I know I’m a pizza lover, because Pizza Hut keep sending me these.
When you or I first see one of these Leggera pizzas, we think one of these two things:
1) I wonder what they do with the bits in the middle? Like polos, and records! I wonder what they do with all the middles of all these things?
Stupid question. They’re made into little skull caps, and worn by a Jewish man. On hot days these “jew-dough” caps react with the natural oils and sweat of the beautiful Jewish scalp to create a delicious Bruschetta. The wearer can then eat it directly off his own head, or allow it to slide onto a chopping board and present it to someone he is intending to marry.
2) How does this affect my overall ratio of crust to topping?
This, on the other hand, is a good question, and requires the use of scientific words to properly answer. The Leggera pizza effectively creates a new CrustZone. This innovative inner crustmantle leads to a significant increase in crust:topping ratio. Say the diameter of the inner hoop (or “Neocrust”) is just one third of that of the entire pizza’s traditional, and backwards compatible Legacy Crust – that’s still a 33% crust increase, or “incrust”, in the crust circumference, or “circumfcrust”. I also did a few doodles about surface area but it just looked like a Pokéball and I’m not sure the numbers I wrote on it were right.
Anyway, the worry is that this is the first step towards a hypothetical fractal crust, which will have an infinitely long crust, eliminating not only pepperoni, but all toppings, both real and imaginary. And forever.
These are the concerns of us, the mundane. But other people are more spectacular and worthy than we (are). These people, after a good meal, write a letter of enthusiastic congratulations to the holding group, or venture capital company who ultimately owns the franchised outlet they visited. And sometimes – just sometimes – that restaurant prints out their letters in a promotional pamphlet.
It’s been a while since I wrote for a publication with the circulation and demographic reach of Pizza Express’s in-house promotional pamphlets, so I’ve written them a few letters myself.
Dear Gondola Holdings,
My retarded son has great difficulty saying the phrase “let’s get a pizza”. I, however, believe in the value of clear communication, and will not respond to any demands that are not properly pronounced. So, thank you for your “Leggera” range of pizzas, which are phonetically similar enough to my son’s semi-coherent burbling that he has had his first meal in three months. Sadly, he was infuriated by the absence of a middle, and has since had to be put down.
You're Robin Hall my love
I’m a long-term fan of your leveraged buyouts and Italian cuisine. Until recently, I thought I was completely happy with your range of pizzas and international healthcare portfolio. However, it wasn’t until you “imagin-reated” the Leggera range of pizzas that I realised that I have NEVER been happy. In fact, last evening’s meal threw my entire life so far into shocking relief: 36 years consuming the “dead calories” of pizza middles! I intend to live the rest of my life the Leggera way – in fact, doubly so, that my life might average out to be, on balance, Leggera. PS I never wrote to say at the time, but congratulations on your 2007 buyout of Gondola Holdings. Those guys were cunts
Dear Pizza Express,
My friend and I have differing interpretations of the phrase “The Italians certainly know how to enjoy life
“. My friend thinks that you’re trying to imply that they fill their spare hours with productive hobbies. However, I’m convinced you’re saying “they’ll dry hump anything that’s concave”. Could you settle our argument?
Live Leggera, folks