Category Archives: Scripts

In The Office With Russell T. Davies

Russell sits in his chair. He looks around, whistling, and takes a sip out of his coffee. He smacks his lips a couple of times, and looks confused. He points his finger into the air, before flying it around like an aeroplane, and bringing it down on his intercom button.
PA TO MR RUSSELL T DAVIES
Yes, sir?
RUSSELL T DAVIES
Oh, thank you Jenny. I don’t mean to be a bother, but this coffee… is it gay? It’s just that I asked for gay coffee. And this coffee… well, I can’t tell what it is, to be honest.
PA TO MR RUSSELL T DAVIES
It’s the gayest I could find. The problem is that coffee doesn’t really have a sexuality, sir.
RUSSELL T DAVIES
Doesn’t it? How tedious. In that case, just pop it into an anus and I’ll drink it from a straw.
PA TO MR RUSSELL T DAVIES
Right away, Mr Davies.
Russell whistles happily to himself. A flicker of concern shows on his face, and he presses the intercom button again, this time a little more urgently.
RUSSELL T DAVIES
Jenny?
PA TO MR RUSSELL T DAVIES
Yes, Mr Davies?
RUSSELL T DAVIES
You will make sure that’s a male anus, won’t you?
PA TO MR RUSSELL T DAVIES
Of course, sir.
RUSSELL T DAVIES
Lovely, thanks.
Russell T Davies pats his head and rubs his tummy at the same time, laughing to himself. He is the happiest man in the world.

Space Catholic Adoption Team 2525

SCENE ONE: THE SpaceCAT OFFICES
LINDA: This week’s orphans are being delivered! I’ve been looking through the pictures, too. Some of them look agonisingly hard-done-to. [Linda licks her lips]
STEVE: This one’s my favourite. He looks like he’s he’s been punched for something that he’s quietly and convincingly explained that he didn’t do. [Steve drops to his haunches and slobbers into a phial]
LINDA: Well, let’s hope that new filing robot arrives on time, so we can get them processed!
STEVE: Processed? They’re not cheese, Linda!
LINDA: No… They’re… much… more… delicious… than… … …that.
SCENE 2: THE NEW ADMIN ROBOT ARRIVES
ADMIN ROBOT: Sorry I’m late. I stopped off to buy some oil.
LINDA: I suppose oil must be like water to you robots.
ADMIN ROBOT: [winking] Yeah, and it’s a great anal lubricant, too.
[pause]
ADMIN ROBOT: DID I SAY A BAD?
[two lasers simulate a robotic blush that can be seen for miles – this is a catchphrase so it has to look spot on]
SCENE 3: ORPHAN LOADING BAY
LINDA: What has happened to these orphans? They’re all dead. I’m all for suffering, but this is taking the piss.
ADMIN ROBOT: There was a terrible accident. Their ship collided into a vessel full of infertile couples.
STEVE: How ironic.
ADMIN ROBOT: Not really – the pilots of both ships genuinely seemed to believe that the crash would create hundreds of loving families.
LINDA: Only this one survived?
ADMIN ROBOT: Yes. By sucking the air out of his birthday balloons. It’s quite touching really. They died, having left behind exactly what he needed to survive – their breath.
STEVE: Oh man, he’s going to be super-delicious when we eat him.
LINDA: For fuck’s sake, that was supposed to be the big reveal.
STEVE: Piss off, you were licking your lips earlier, I saw you.
SCENE 4: STEVE AND LINDA CLAMBER OVER EACH OTHER IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE THE CLOSEST TO THE CEILING

SCENE 5: THE ORPHAN TALKS TO A CREATURE MADE OUT OF PARENTS
ORPHAN: Go on, just give us one. Just a little one.
CREATURE: No, I need them.
ORPHAN: You can’t need them all. They’re constantly dropping off. Can’t I have one you’ve left behind?
CREATURE: No, I need them too. What are you looking at?
ORPHAN: Sorry, it’s just that two of the parents in your thigh are putting their hands into each other’s grumbelows.
CREATURE: Yes, sometimes mummies and daddies who love each other do that. You’d know that if you weren’t a stupid orphan.
THE CREATURE MADE OUT OF PARENTS CUDDLES ITSELF, THERE IS LOADS OF PENETRATION
SCENE 6: IN THE GREENGROCER
LINDA: Ham, pineapple, tomato…
SHOPKEEPER: No, we’ve already had tomato.
THE SHOPKEEPER GUNGES LINDA
SCENE 7: THE EXCITING CLIMAX
STEVE: So, we eat orphans! That is the climax.
LINDA: But that’s not all – we’ve got another climax now.
STEVE: Yes! The new climax is that we aren’t even Catholics – we’re CATHOLIC EGGS.
ORPHAN: Are you going to hatch?
STEVE: Not in the foreseeable future, no.
THE END

Joe vs The Volcano : A Rewrite

1. JOE MEETS MEG RYAN ON THE MEAN STREETS
Joe : Come on, piss-hat! Pick a card!
Meg Ryan : Seven of hearts!
Joe : No, physically pick one out of the pack, you dumb ho-bag.
Meg Ryan : Right, I’ll take this one.
Joe : It’s the seven of hearts!
Meg Ryan : Look again! They’re ALL seven of hearts.
Joe : Wow. This is the best trick ever.
Meg Ryan : Now I’m the seven of hearts!
2. LATER, AT THE VOLCANO
Boulder : You’ve changed, Volcano. You’re no fun any more.
Volcano : I’ve been meaning to tell you. I am getting engaged to the Pyrenees. My crazy days are over.
Boulder : Aw. Are you gonna get married? Are you gonna have a little wedding with almonds in little fucking bags?
Volcano : Yes! There will be many almonds in little fucking bags!
Boulder : Excuse me. I’m going to roll around in a copse for a while.
Volcano : Don’t block the exits to any caves!
Boulder : Fuck you.
Volcano : To celebrate my engagement to an entire mountain range, I will festoon that pretty village with delicious lava!
3. MEG RYAN BUYS A CANDLE
Meg Ryan : CANDLE ME FAT BOY
Candle Salesman : I only have one candle left and it smells.
Meg Ryan : Good smell?
Candle Salesman : Why don’t you lean in and sniff for yourself?
Meg Ryan : Alright, I will.
[Meg Ryan sniffs the candle]
Meg Ryan : Oh no! It’s a trap!
Candle Salesman : Correct! It smells impolite!
4. JOE MEETS THE VOLCANO IN A BARN
Volcano : Fight time!
Joe : Dragon Punch!
Volcano : Roundhouse Kick!
Joe : Double Roundhouse!
Volcano : …
Joe : Fight me!
Volcano : I’m building up power, hang on.
Joe : OK, cool.
Volcano : …
Joe : This had better be good.
Volcano : …
Joe : Are yo –
Volcano : BUM-WEE HORSE!
Joe : Eh?
Volcano : It’s a horse that wees out its bum.
5. BOULDER WANTS A BIKE-CYCLE
Boulder : Is this Halfords?
Biggles : I’ll give you three guesses.
Boulder : Yes!
Biggles : Incorrect.
Boulder : Yes!
Biggles : Incorrect.
Boulder : …
Biggles : It isn’t Halfords.
Boulder : LET ME GUESS
Biggles : OK, sorry.
Boulder : It’s no good now, you’ve ruined it.
6. THE PYRENEES DUMP THE VOLCANO
Pyreness : Hello you are dumped. Can we be friends?
Volcano : Let’s give it a couple of months.
Pyrenees : This is so like you.
Volcano : So like you more like.
Pyrenees : I’m like you. Look at me. HNG.
Volcano : Stop it or I’m telling.
Pyrenees : I’ve already told. Everyone knows.
Volcano : You can’t have done because I would have heard you tell.
Pyrenees : I did it in code.
Volcano : Ah but I’ve got a decoding machine.
Pyrenees : It’s unplugged.
Volcano : It’s solar-powered.
Pyrenees : I told at night.
Volcano : Look over there. That horse is weeing out of its bum.
7. JOE STARES OUT OF A WINDOW FOR TWENTY MINUTES WHILE MEG RYAN IS SUPERIMPOSED IN THE SKY BUT HE CAN’T SEE HER BECAUSE IT’S A METAPHOR
8. THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION
Joe : I love Meg Ryan but I have to jump into the volcano.
Meg Ryan : I love you too don’t jump into the volcano.
Joe : Sorry it is just something I have to do.
Meg Ryan : That is a shame, but I will wait for you.
Joe : I’ll be dead.
Meg Ryan : OK, I won’t wait for you.
THE END