Category Archives: Regular Features

The Whos So Far

doctors-whoI heard you wanted me to type up all the scripts for every Doctor Who episode ever, so I did. Cheers

DOCTOR ONE: THE GRUMPY ONE

DOCTOR
Here we are at last! In the year 12 million BC

COMPANION
Doctor! It’s a dinosaur

DOCTOR
Yes, you stupid girl. It is a dinosaur. Here, have a little medal. It’s a medal for having no filters between your eyes and fucking mouth. Like I can’t see it’s a fucking dinosaur. Anything else you’d like to point out? There’s a rock over there. And a few trees. Why don’t you just point at, and name, everything around us? Because THAT WOULDN’T BE BORING OR SHIT

COMPANION
Doctor, what would happen if I encouraged those two Triceratops to fall in love

DOCTOR
I wouldn’t recommend that! Stop matchmaking those Triceratops  you wee shitey bastard

DOCTOR TWO: THE WHIMSICAL ONE

THE HIGH COUNCIL OF ZANZIBAR
Doctor Who, you stand accused of fannying about in the time streams. How do you plead to this

DOCTOR WHO
Would you like some candy floss? It tastes delicious, and you can stuff it into your ears while I play the piccolo if you like

THE HIGH COUNCIL OF ZANZIBAR
This is a very serious charge, The Doctor Who. Please stop pulling the flags of the world out of that top hat

DOCTOR WHO
Ohoho! What what. How are you saying that with a mouth full of ostrich feathers?

THE HIGH COUNCIL OF ZANZIBAR
[spitting out the feathers in huffy outrage]
Wh-wh-what! This case is dismissed due to levels of wackiness that are out of our jurisdiction. Doctor Who you can go on your next adventure now.

DOCTOR WHO
Oh no I’ve trod on a Jelly Baby

DOCTOR THREE: THE FIGHTY ONE

COMPANION
Doctor! I have studied the aliens and it looks like they have a weak spot: they are weak to a punch in the dick

DOCTOR
Excellent, Sandy. I’m going to pummel the shit out of these pricks

COMPANION
But wait! Don’t you need to reverse the polarities of the neutron flow to their nutbags?

DOCTOR
No, I reckon this and the next seven adventures will probably be OK with loads of punching. I’m gonna punch you too.

DOCTOR WHO TURNS TO THE CAMERA

DOCTOR
And you. Oh yes, I’m going to enjoy punching you most of all, James Lovatt of Ramsay Drive, Arnold, Nottingham, England, Planet Earth

DOCTORS FOUR AND FIVE: THE CONJOINED ONES

DOCTOR FOUR
I don’t remember this era of Doctor Who

DOCTOR FIVE
No, I think it’s mainly a way of doing two doctors at once, after realising writing eleven scripts was a bit much

DOCTOR FOUR
It certainly seems that way. He’s even foregone including a plot, opting for the easy “breaking the fourth wall” path of knowing half-apology

DOCTOR FIVE
Yeah, talk about having your lazy cake and eating it, while sat on your fat creative arse. And this flagellating self-reference is all a bit Jimmy Corrigan for my liking

DOCTOR FOUR
So, right. I suppose we’re going to do something gay now. Like make out.

DOCTOR FIVE
It wouldn’t fucking surprise me. It’s just the kind of shit he’d think he could get away with. What a moribund fuck

DOCTOR FOUR
Oh no I’m regenerating help

DOCTOR FIVE
Me too shit bye bye everyone

DOCTOR SIX: THE SEXY ONE

CLARA
What’s up Doctor? I hear there’s a topless Cyberlady on the loose in Leicester

DOCTOR HOO
Yes. I sense a colossal disturbance in the fabric of the universe.

CLARA
We should definitely go and check that out.

DOCTOR
No, Clara. I think you misunderstood. I was referring to the colossal disturbance in the fabric of the universe in my trousers, created by my Timedick

CLARA
Doctor not again

DOCTOR
Hahahahahaa! YES! AGAIN

CLARA
I’ll fetch K-9

DOCTOR
Yes you will! I’m two thousand years old and I fuck tin dogs

K-9
IT IS IN MY NATURE TO OBEY

DOCTOR SEVEN: THE ONE WITH CELERY

ACE
Hello Doctor!

DOCTOR
HELLO ACE! DO YOU WANT SOME CELERY

ACE
No Doctor! We’ve already eaten so much celery

DOCTOR
WELL JUST HOLD ONTO THIS BIT UNTIL YOU’RE PECKISH DEAR

ACE
Doctor I don’t even like celery

[BEAT]

DOCTOR [MAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS]
Get out of my TARDIS you horrible shitbag

ACE
You never even asked if I liked celery. You just made me eat it again and again, to the exclusion of foods with essential nutrients

DOCTOR
I can’t hear you Ace. Perhaps if you had some celery in your mouth I’d be able to listen, and eventually address, your concerns

ACE
EATING CELERY SOUNDS

DOCTOR
You’re so pretty with celery leaves coming out of your mouth. Never stop eating celery Ace, even when I’m not there. I’ll know if you’ve ever stopped Ace. I’m a Timelord Ace

DOCTOR EIGHT: THE SHORT-LIVED ONE

NURSE
Hello I am a nurse

DOCTOR
Hello I am the doctor

NURSE
I find your anatomy quite appealing

DOCTOR
Hey cool let’s actually fall in love because that’s what I do now

NURSE
Whoa it’s the Master

THE MASTER
What what in the butt
I said what what in the butt

DOCTOR
What is he saying darling

NURSE
He’s saying what what in the butt doctor. It’s a viral song from 2007 by Samwell

THE MASTER
You wanna do it in my butt? In my butt? OK!

THEY ALL DANCE AS A NEW MILLENNIUM DAWNS

DOCTOR NINE: THE ANGRY ONE

ROSE TYLER
Woof! I am the Big Bad Wolf

DOCTOR WHO
What’s going on Rose

ROSE
Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf

DOCTOR WHO
Give it a rest love

ROSE
BAAAAD WOOOOOLF

DOCTOR WHO
THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED AFTER KILLING ALL THE TIMELORDS IN THE MOST UPSETTING CHAPTER OF MY LIFE TO DATE

ROSE
BAD WOLF

DOCTOR WHO
Rose I Love you

ROSE
WOOF WOOF I RUV ROO TOO

DOCTOR TEN: THE UPBEAT LOVELY ONE

DONNA
Hello!

DOCTOR
Hello Donna Noble! You’re brilliant. You know what else is brilliant? Milk! I love milk. But not as much as I love cookies! Don’t you love cookies? Of course you do. Who doesn’t love cookies? I had a cookie once that was made out of dog shit. It wasn’t the best cookie in the world if I’m being honest. Still though, it WAS a cookie, and that’s got to count for something, hasn’t it?

DONNA
Fuckin’ ell, it’s a dalek

DOCTOR
No! Daleks! I hate Daleks. They’re not very nice you see. Now I’m ever so angry. Really I am. Those Daleks have got me hopping mad Donna. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry Donna, I’m a proper grouchypuss

DONNA
Doctor, they’ve really fucked up the universe this time. I can’t see any way back from this one.

DOCTOR
Don’t worry! The episodes like that, when there is no legitimately foreseeable way to restore the universe, always have the MOST satisfying conclusions!

DONNA
Hurray!

DOCTOR ELEVEN: THE PARADOXICAL ONE

DOCTOR
Let’s listen to some music Amy Pond

AMY POND
But you’ve only got two CDs! One by an Irish girl band, and another by a multinational Korean Pop Group! And you can never decide which one to play!

DOCTOR
That’s true! The Corrs and f(x) are totally interchangeable as far as I’m concerned

AMY POND
Heyooooo

DOCTOR
Geronimoooo

AMY POND
Next week on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, Goldie Hawn will dance in a bikini for your delight!

Doctor Twelve is sub judice and cannot legally be involved in a stupid script by a fucking idiot at this stage

If you want to listen to an unfinished version of this blog post read out by three chuckling fucks, why not listen to Regular Features?

Straight Bear Sex For Ladies

I was thrilled to hear about a book called Bear.

Not so thrilled that I bought it, you understand. And nowhere near thrilled enough to consider reading it.  I was, however, thrilled enough to read a punchy synopsis on a Reddit thread. It is a book where a woman whops them out for a literal bear.

It was written by an adult  woman, too, which means the phrase “I whopped em out guys it was so awesome” never appears in the book. Probably. Like I say, I haven’t read it.

My understanding of the book is this: a librarian goes on holiday to meet up with a Bear. Through a series of misunderstandings, clerical errors, and missed memos, they end up having sex. Whatever actually happened, the book popped so many eyes in literary circles that it was given an award, in the hope that the book would eat the award and go away.

The book did not go away, and is still about a woman and a bear having it off in Canada. There have been a number of covers:

Bear 1

Here, Bear and Librarian are enjoying their brief period of notoriety, and trying out for Dancing With The Stars.
Bear 2

Bear has now let himself go, but Librarian doesn’t care. Bear 3

 

This book aims to surprise the reader. Page One reads “haha! you bought this book, and it is about a woman and a bear DOING IT. What are you sick in the head or something. Ew you pervy shit”

To save you the cost and effort of reading this book, I have written what I imagine it is like.

1: JENNIFER HAS A WANK ON A RUG
(SHIT THAT IS A SPOILER SORRY)

Jennifer ran her fingers through the bear pelt. The hair felt so soft, so enveloping. She buried her face in it, poking her tongue out a couple of millimetres then chuckling to herself. If only those fuddy-duddies in the local abstinence group could see her now! It made her wish that she was having sex with a real bear, and not just having a big holiday wank on a rug in a log cabin in Canada.

(I totally ruined that pull-back-to-reveal with the title of the chapter, sorry)

Sighing, Jennifer innocently emptied another ladleful of honey into her bra, and naively slid a third picnic basket into her fanny, unaware that this is precisely the kind of behaviour that attracts randy bears. As far as she was concerned, it was just something she liked to do.

 2: A BEAR APPROACHETHES

 “Oh boy,” said a nearby bear. “I can smell de peekneed baskits! If I don’t gets me a hamper or suchlike before I have to hibernate like a bear do, I gonna go wild in the aisles!”

Suddenly an aromatic vapour trail shot up his nose, causing him to hover six inches in the air, and blast around the forest like a Light Cycle. “Oh boy oh boy oh boy!” he said, taking a sheer ninety degree corner between a maple tree and a different Canadian tree. “Oh baby that’s a what I like!”

But there was another smell, apart from the picnic basket. A smell that that bear didn’t understand at all. The smell of a nice lady’s fanny.

 3: BEAR OBTAINS ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT

The bear, whose name in English is Mr Wendell, crashed through the window of Jennifer’s hideaway forest. She had been fingering herself for some time now, but a combination of high altitude and low inspiration had got her no closer to producing her usual babbling brook of effluvia.

“Hello!” said Jennifer. “You seem nice!”

“Hello!” said Mr Wendell, deflating slightly. “I came here for the peekneed baskids. But you appear to be rolling around on the pelt of my mum.”

“Am I?” said Jennifer, saddened by the bears reaction, but secretly aroused by the realisation that she might be bisexual for bears. She felt a wall of eyes inside her open up inside her. This process was equally enlightening and alarming, as each eye swivelled wildly, seeing that it was part of a wall of similar eyes. A wave of angst rippled along the wall of eyes like electricity, as each pondered it’s position in the wall, and the existence of whatever brain it was that powered their thought.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve actually been convinced for years that my mum had been killed and replaced with a robot bear mum, so if anything it’s a relief to find out that I was right, and I wasn’t suffering from a classic Capgras delusion.”

“Let’s have sex maybe!”

“That sounds nice! Wait a minute, you said maybe. Mr Wendall ain’t down with begrudging, obliged, reluctant or awkward consent. Dat shit be balls. Give us some enthusiastic consent plz” Having delivered his important moral message about consent, Mr Wendell stopped doing his cool voice.

“Oh hell yeah,” said Jennifer. “Fuck me daft, I bloody loves it.” With that, her legs sprang open into a wide-on so impossibly wide and fierce that it blasted Mr Wendell’s hair into a radical new style.  He could see all three picnic baskets, like a winner’s podium up a fanny. He winked to himself in the mirror.

4: A TWIST!

On the other side of that mirror, a robot bear mum said “BEEP BOOP DOOP”, as Jennifer cupped Mr Wendell’s balls and worked the shaft, like she had read to do in the magazines. Her eyes flashed red once, which is how robot bear mums convey the conflicting emotions of pride and resentment when their adopted flesh-child is getting his balls cupped for the first time. Then her eyes flashed blue twice, which is robot bear mum for “maybe I have been missing out on the pleasures of the flesh”, so she slathered itself in bacon and sausages, microwaved herself for a couple of minutes until she was sizzling, then rolled through the wall on her tank tracks.

“BEEP BOOP DOOP” said the robot bear mum, pulling a pastry brush out of a drawer in her chest and glazing Jennifer’s tits with egg. “That’s not very sexy,” protestedJennifer,  just as Mr Wendell went into hibernation and landed on both of them.

5: A HAPPY ENDING

 For however long it is bears sleep for, Jennifer and the robot bear mother fingered, scissored and did strap-ons, and when Jennifer got hungry she simply popped a sausage from Mrs Robo-Wendall’s makeshift body into her mouth. When Mr Wendell woke up they all agreed to get married and live happily ever after, which they proceeded to do forever and ever amen. BEARS

AND THAT IS THE STORY OF A BEAR SEX

This story was written for Regular Features Episode 98, and you can listen to that here

The First 100 Police Academy Films

Following is a list of the first 100 Police Academy films, as they appear in Halliwell’s Film Guide.

  • Police Academy
  • Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Police Academy 3: Back in Training
  • Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
  • Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
  • Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
  • Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow
  • Police Academy 8: The Real Bronx Cheer
  • Police Academy 9: Attack Of The Chapel Hatpegs
  • Police Academy 10: Blue Oyster Uncut

The first movie to focus entirely on the antics of the gay men in the Blue Oyster Bar, PA10 was ninety solid minutes of non-consensual dancing with a procession of increasingly straight men who unwittingly walk through the doors of their gay enforcement zone.

  • Police Academy 11: Academy Is A Seven Letter Word
  • Police Academy 12: Other Seven Letter Words Include Justice and Boobies
  • Police Academy 13: Operation: Attractive Woman
  • Police Academy 14: The Smell Of Larceny
  • Police Academy 15: Nuts To Crime!
  • Police Academy 16: A New And Highly Erratic Recruit Causes Zed To Really Up His Wacky Game
  • Police Academy 17: This Job Isn’t Easy, Hence Systematic Brutality
  • Police Academy 18: Nazis In The Hood
  • Police Academy 19: OPERATION: KILL THE NAZIS
  • Police Academy 20: Well, Yes, You Could Argue That The Nazis Were Briefly Good For The Economy, But That’s Ignoring A Whole Raft of Humanitarian Objections
  • Police Academy 21: Deeper Analysis Reveals That Germany Was Due To Come Out Of Recession Anyway, And Why Are We Even Talking About This When The World Is So Full Of Sweet Greasy Poontang
  • Police Academy 22: The Precinct Becomes Too Nutty To Qualify For Public Funding
  • Police Academy 23: Vampire Cops vs Werewolf Robbers vs Judges From Fucking MARS
  • Police Academy 24: Veal Farm Brouhaha
  • Police Academy 25: The Gay Men From The Blue Oyster Begin To Wonder Where The Straight Men Are Coming From, Decide To Try Leaving The Bar, And Spill Onto The Streets Like A Thousand Randy Gollums, Requiring Police Attention
  • Police Academy 26: Mini-Mahoney Goes Tiny Bananas In A Miniature Monte Carlo
  • Police Academy 27: Please Police Me
  • Police Academy 28: Police To Meet You
  • Police Academy 29: Police And Thank You
  • Police Academy 30: So That’s Why They Call It Hump Day
  • Police Academy For Dogs
  • Police Academy For Fish and Wizards
  • Police Academy 33: The Latest Recruit Appears To Be Nothing More Than A Bubbling Phial Of Spunk
  • Police Academy 34: Whoa, That Bubbling Phial Of Spunk Rose Through The Ranks To Commandant Pretty Quickly. Who Knew That Being Carried Around In A Test Tube Rack And Bubbling Approvingly Whenever A Nice Rack Of Tits Passes By Could Get You Places
  • Police Academy 35: You Appear To Have Somehow Misheard “Maritime Law”,  And Instead Of Having A Speedboat Chase, You Married Some Thyme. Now You Are Hitched To A Herb*

*The Hitched To A Herb spin-off series were not the celebrated cinematic releases that the Police Academy movies remain to this day. Hard ThymeJack and Dill, and Cumin My Anise all went straight to DVD.

  • Police Academy 36: Guys Guys There’s A New Female Recruit You’ve Got To See This She Is Attractive Come On Guys
  • Police Acedumy 37: Whoa, That Hot Chick Was A Bad Guy! What A Twist
  • Police Academy 38: How Can You Have The Twist To One Movie In The Next Movie
  • Police Adademy 39: If That’s Your Main Beef With This List You Have Your Priorities Utterly Fucked
  • Police Academy 40: Mahoney Alone (UK: Only The Mahonely)
  • Police Academy 41: Jones Alone (UK: AlonealongaJones)
  • Police Academy 42: Mahoney Jones – Together At Last
  • Police Academy 42b: Jones Alone 2: The Mahoneymoon Is Over
  • Police Academy 43: Steve Guttenburg  & Judge Rheinhold’s Micro-Precinct For Boys

This movie featured two Micro-Precinct spin-offs. “A Girl Gets A Job In The Micro-Precinct, Ruining It For The Men Who Just Wanted To Have Sexy Posters On The Walls While They Did Their Paperwork After A Hard Day Being Heroes”, and “Although She Did Turn Out To Be A Lesbian Who Shared Their Enjoyment Of The Posters, There’s Still Something The Boys Aren’t Happy About,  And They Decline To Analyse Their Discomfort”

  • Police Academy 44: A Lady Accidentally Inhales A Balloon, Shooting A Tampon Somehow Out Of Her Fanny, Which Comes To Rest In Mauser’s Coffee Cup Just As He Takes A Sip And Asks, Approvingly, If They’ve Changed Coffee Brands In The Precinct
  • Police Academy 45: Water Academy
  • Police Academy 46: Fire Academy
  • Police Academy 47: This Is Really Making The Police Seem Harmless, Likeable Even, Good Work Guys
  • Police Academy 48: Light-Hearted 9/12 Terrorist-Themed Romp
  • Police Academy 49: Guys, This Brand New Recruit Says He’s Never Been To A Strip Joint, That Gives Me An Idea For An Assignment
  • Police Academy 50: Hightower Eats Weetabix For 180 Minutes, Demonstrating Without Jokes That He Is Undeniably A Large Man
  • Police Academy 51: Mississippi River Boat Of Crime Gone Wild
  • Police Academy 52: Honey, I Spayed The Tackleberry
  • Police Academy 53: Downtown Misdemeanours feat. Missy Elliot
  • Police Academy 54: Egyptian Antics
  • Police Academy 55: I Said FREEZE PUNK Not FREE SPUNK
  • Police Academy 56: Seriously I Don’t Have Any Spunk For You Guys, Stop Following Me
  • Police Academy 57: Hightower I Totally Just Killed An Unarmed Black Man Can You Tell People I’m Not Racist Please It’s So Unfair All I Did Was Kill Him
  • Police Academy 58: Zed Is Up A Tree
  • Police Academy 59: This Harassment Charge Is Bullshit – You Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Arrest A Ghost Who Lives In A Bra Without Attempting To Remove The Bra
  • Police Academy 60: Blue Oyster Nights
  • Police Adademy 61: Blue Oyster Nights 2 – You Walked Through That Door, Now You Are Doomed To Dance. This Is The Way Of The Gay Man
  • Police Adademy 62: Blue Oyster Nights 3 – Let’s Just Drop The Dancing Metaphor And Just Say What We’re Getting At – All Gay Men Want To Fuck All Other Men Against Their Will, And It’s Only The Overwhelming Disapproval Of Society That Stops Them. The Second You Legalise These Horrific Atrocities, And They Are Atrocities, You Will Unleash A Carnival Of Gay Fucking In Every Room In Your House. If That’s What You Want Then Go Ahead, I’ll Be Vomiting In An Alley For The Rest Of My Life, Imagining Dicks I Do Not Want In My Mouth And Ass
  • Police Academy 63: Their Second Assignment
  • Police Academy Hospital: Sexual Healing
  • Police Academy Hospital 2: No Seriously, This Is Good For You
  • Police Academy Hospital 3: YOU’LL NEVER GET BETTER IF YOU DON’T SUCK IT
  • Police Academy 66: The Tinkers Have Build A HQ, Why Tinkers Need HQ, Hmm Suspicious
  • Police Adademy 67: OK That HQ Was Legit, Maybe Tinkers Do Need A Base Of Operations, Sorry Tinkers
  • Police Adademy 68: This Anarchic Humour Only Underlines The Need For A Codified Framework Of Law
  • Police Academy 69: When There Is No Law, The Police Must Create A Scarf Of Law Using Their Legs As Knitting Needles On The Streets Of The City
  • Police Academy 70: White Collar Crime Has Finally Spread To The Ghetto

Police Academy 71 had an illegal title, and was never released.

  • Police Academy 72: Crockpot Of Crime
  • Police Academy 73: Our Newest Recruit Appears To Be Nina Simone, How Do We Spin That
  • Police Academy 74: This New Batch Of Recruits Don’t Seem Optimistic At All
  • Police Adademy 75: Infinite Mirrored Corridor Of Mahoney
  • Police Adademy 76: Hip Hop Copz vs Reg Grundy Productions
  • Police Adademy 77: A Packet Of Cheese & Onion Crisps Fails To Drop For Hightower At The Vending Machine. Later, Zed Gets Two Packets For The Price Of One. Hightower Is Outraged –  I Mean He Used To Be A Bad Guy, Now Here He Is, Eating My Crisps. Unfortunately Hightower’s Whining Quickly Makes Him Lose Allies, Leading Him To The Inevitable Conclusion That Justice Is Secondary To PR
  • Police Adademy 78: The Philantropic Catburglar Presents A Moral Quandary, Especially Troubling When You Consider Her Lovely Tits
  • Police Adademy 79: How Do You Spell Condoleezza Rice, I’m Writing Her An Email
  • Police Adademy 80: Of Course I’m Being Polite. I’m A Big Fan Of Her Work At Dropbox
  • Police Adademy 81: Holy Fuck Condoleezza Rice Replied, How Cool Is That
  • Police Adademy 82: What Happens After The Fifth And Final Letter From Your Internet Service Provider
  • Police Adademy 83: Avant Garde Definition Of A Sequel
  • Police Adademy 84: Driving Miss Mahoney
  • Police Adademy 85: The Boys In Blue Oyster – Our New Recruits Are  A Bunch Of Hot Leather Queens
  • Police Adademy 86: The Blue Oyster Bar Recruits Tested Poorly With Our Target Audience And Are Now The Villains
  • Police Adademy 87: Yes That Is Like The Opposite Of What Happened With Zed
  • Police Adademy 88: Weekend At Bernies 3

(The Police Academy ownership of the lucrative Weekend At Bernies franchise was short-lived, and Bernie went on to feature instead in a number of Nightmare On Elm Street films. Tip! When the hell-hound resurrects Freddie Krueger by pissing a fireball onto his junkyard grave in Nightmare on Elm Street 4, check out the Bernie-led conga-line in the background!)

  • Police Adademy 89: We Are All Damned, All Of Us
  • Police Adademy 90: That Lectern Blow Job At The End Of The First Movie, From The POV Of A Camera In Mahoney’s Urethra
  • Police Adademy 91: Jones Learns A New Noise
  • Police Adademy 92: I Put The Arse Into Larceny and the Peen into Peenitentary
  • Police Adademy 93: TIMECOP vs SPACECRIME
  • Police Adademy 94: Lassard & The Giant Peach
  • Police Adademy 95: Toot Toot Fraud Trumpet Naaaaaa
  • Police Adademy 96: The Ninety Sixthest One Yet!
  • Police Adademy 97: At Last, We’ve Got John Leslie On Board
  • Police Adademy 98: Shit. It Was Leslie Nielsen We Wanted. Who Is This Limey
  • Police Adademy 99: Everyone Calms Down
  • Police Adademy 100: The Crow

The Crow movies went on to have their own rich history, which you can read here.

A version of this list was read out for the 100th episode of the Regular Features podcast. With thanks to Simon Swatman.