FACE 9: THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME
Now, you have won my trust. I’m going to give you a tiny box. I want you to take this box into a mysterious cave, and place it on a dais, or plinth. If you are there at the prescribed time, a shaft of sunlight will enter the antechamber; you should guide this light into the serpent’s ruby eye (not the emerald!). If you do this, you will unlock the final room, which contains the wretched mulligatawny of my vestigial soul. Bring it back to me, and if you come back past the corner shop, get me a can of Top Deck and some Skittles please.
FACE 10: OH SHIT, NOW YOU DONE IT
Mother of piss! That’s the emerald eye! Did my expression in Face 9 not convey the full gravity of my instructions? I’m afraid you have activated the ancient defence mechanisms of this Peruvian tomb, and a terror more deadly than the world has known is about to erupt from the long-dormant volcano. Can you feel it, Jeremy? Can you feel the evil? It’s delicious, isn’t it? So naughty. It makes me want to put on some new socks and paddle in sick. That’s how naughty it makes me feel. Oh, Jeremy, your face is a picture. Can you see what it is, yet?
FACE 11: NOW YOU MUST FACE ME IN COMBAT
That’s right, it’s me! I’m Jimmy Carr. The worldly body that has entertained you ridiculous humans with jokes such as “if we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus” was, in fact, just a projection of my eternal, malevolent soul. My weakened spirit form was cursed to tell only the truth, so I was forced to search long and hard for a red-green colour-blind fan of my comedy who might venture into the forbidden chamber and accidentally unlock my soul by shining the sunlight into the emerald, not the ruby! Yes, it is a little involved, but that’s the idle games of the immortals for you. The laughter ends now, sweet Jeremy, for I am reborn! Put ’em up, shitbag. I’ll bite you a new cunt.
FACE 12: YOUR FLAILING ATTEMPTS AT KARATE BEMUSE ME
What… what are you doing? You think that by hopping from leg to leg, and making small circles with your fists, you are fighting me? I am a million cubits of air, solid with hate! You think that I will show you mercy, because of your tenacious attitude and unflappable spirit of can-do? You underestimate me; I am Jimmy Carr. I invented cigarettes, and drippy willies. I am the man who stands, hands on hips, over the fallen bodies of geriatric women whose shopping carts picked up a bit too much speed on a hill. I’m financially astute. I’m a billion bee-stings on a million bell-ends. That said, you do look adorable like that. Come on, hop into my top pocket, and we’ll go to Halfords. I need a new D-lock for my Chopper. Do you remember Choppers?
Whatever next? Will the final four faces of Jimmy Carr carry on this story, or the one in the last episode? Or will it unify the two strands in a shocking twist that’ll have you gasping for respite? Find out in Part Three of… The Sixteen Faces Of Jimmy Carr.
Pictures taken from jimmycarr.net – probably the most unfinished fansite ever to write itself into the wikipedia entry for Jimmy Carr.