FACE 9: THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME
Now, you have won my trust. I'm going to give you a tiny box. I want you to take this box into a mysterious cave, and place it on a dais, or plinth. If you are there at the prescribed time, a shaft of sunlight will enter the antechamber; you should guide this light into the serpent's ruby eye (not the emerald!). If you do this, you will unlock the final room, which contains the wretched mulligatawny of my vestigial soul. Bring it back to me, and if you come back past the corner shop, get me a can of Top Deck and some Skittles please.
FACE 10: OH SHIT, NOW YOU DONE IT
Mother of piss! That's the emerald eye! Did my expression in Face 9 not convey the full gravity of my instructions? I'm afraid you have activated the ancient defence mechanisms of this Peruvian tomb, and a terror more deadly than the world has known is about to erupt from the long-dormant volcano. Can you feel it, Jeremy? Can you feel the evil? It's delicious, isn't it? So naughty. It makes me want to put on some new socks and paddle in sick. That's how naughty it makes me feel. Oh, Jeremy, your face is a picture. Can you see what it is, yet?
FACE 11: NOW YOU MUST FACE ME IN COMBAT
That's right, it's me! I'm Jimmy Carr. The worldly body that has entertained you ridiculous humans with jokes such as "if we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus" was, in fact, just a projection of my eternal, malevolent soul. My weakened spirit form was cursed to tell only the truth, so I was forced to search long and hard for a red-green colour-blind fan of my comedy who might venture into the forbidden chamber and accidentally unlock my soul by shining the sunlight into the emerald, not the ruby! Yes, it is a little involved, but that's the idle games of the immortals for you. The laughter ends now, sweet Jeremy, for I am reborn! Put 'em up, shitbag. I'll bite you a new cunt.
FACE 12: YOUR FLAILING ATTEMPTS AT KARATE BEMUSE ME
What... what are you doing? You think that by hopping from leg to leg, and making small circles with your fists, you are fighting me? I am a million cubits of air, solid with hate! You think that I will show you mercy, because of your tenacious attitude and unflappable spirit of can-do? You underestimate me; I am Jimmy Carr. I invented cigarettes, and drippy willies. I am the man who stands, hands on hips, over the fallen bodies of geriatric women whose shopping carts picked up a bit too much speed on a hill. I'm financially astute. I'm a billion bee-stings on a million bell-ends. That said, you do look adorable like that. Come on, hop into my top pocket, and we'll go to Halfords. I need a new D-lock for my Chopper. Do you remember Choppers?
Whatever next? Will the final four faces of Jimmy Carr carry on this story, or the one in the last episode? Or will it unify the two strands in a shocking twist that'll have you gasping for respite? Find out in Part Three of... The Sixteen Faces Of Jimmy Carr.
Pictures taken from jimmycarr.net - probably the most unfinished fansite ever to write itself into the wikipedia entry for Jimmy Carr.
FACE 1: YES, I'M JIMMY CARR
You've got me, governor - I'm the Jimmy Carr you're looking for. How did you find me on top of this vibrating neon podium? Sorry I couldn't bring myself to reduce the word "governor" to "guv'nor", by the way. The thing is, I'm not a moronic commoner who drops ecstacy and syllables like I've got nothing to live for. Lest the world forgets, I'm award-winning. You don't get put up for the Loaded Lafta Award in 2004 unless you're on the top of your fucking game, OK?
FACE 2: DO SHUT UP
As I made clear with my previous face, I am Jimmy Carr. With Jimmy Carr - me - certain things are implied. Firstly, I require Egyptian linens - this is not relevant to you, as the closest you've probably got to Egypt is watching Carry On Cleopatra and scoffing a Choc Ice with your feet on a pouffe. Keep paying attention, however, because my point will be made soon enough. The second thing Jimmy Carr expects is for obscene strumpets like yourself to remain silent while he presses him palms flat against her bosom. Now, do you see why I'm upset by your vile, uneducated caterwauling?
FACE 3: THE APOLOGY
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here, take my handkerchief. Never let it be said that Jimmy Carr - the very same Jimmy Carr that is me - is anything other than a gentleman. Yes, it's silk. It glides over the skin, like nothing you've felt before. I'm sorry if it appears that I'm staring at your bust, it's an optical illusion that you really must learn to ignore. Please sit still, ssh, don't move - I wouldn't want to be forced so early to sever the so-brittle pipe that is your spine.
FACE 4: IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
Give us a kiss. Just a little one. A little peck on the cheek. Go on, just give us a brisk tickle on me chops with yer mucky gob, and I'll be on me way. This is how you talk, isn't it? I'll not make a mess - when me dick goes bang all 'at comes out is a lit'l bit o' chimney soot, and I'll keep that in me pants as a memento of this auspicious day. You see, I'm all things to all people - an affliction, a blessing, a lover, a god - I have a different name in every country, and the stories of my adventures differ only in the details. There are countries where my comedy must be spoken in hushed tones, because to laugh is a crime - and where you hear the oppressed peoples of these countries whispering, you can be assured that they are whispering - "Jimmy Carr".
FACE 5: I'M VERY CLOSE NOW
Hello. I'm the same Jimmy Carr as before, but I'm closer to you, now. If you look closely - and I've heard that at times of extreme danger, the human brain is capable of picking out fine, irrelevant details just like this one - you might notice that my tear ducts are loose. You have just joined an exclusive group of people who know this about my tear ducts; soon you'll be just as dead as they are. Please, don't appeal to my sense of humanity - asking me to consider your feelings is like asking a rainbow to land on a turd.
FACE 6: CONCERN
Someone's at the door. You stay there. I'll be back in a minute. And don't change the channel, I'm watching that. I know I haven't been actually looking at it, but I like it being on. My favourite telly program is the one where people talk about what is in the boxes. I often disagree with them about what is in the boxes, and when it turns out we were both wrong, I'm never sure if I've won the argument. Sometimes life just fails to have a satisfactory sense of resolution. That's pretty much why I, Jimmy Carr, love killing people, and need to be stopped by an angry mob.
FACE 7: UH-OH!
Oh, nuts! It's my mother. If she finds me with a woman, she'll go mental! OK - let's get our stories straight. You're Deborah, you work in a high street travel agent. You feel your life exists solely to give other people the experiences you so sorely desire, and you're thankful to me for giving you an insight into how wonderful life can be. Your favourite joke of mine is "throwing acid is wrong, in some peoples' eyes", even though you weren't aware of it being a common form of revenge attack amongst spurned lovers in India, like I was when I wrote the joke. This is just one of the reasons I'm better than you, but there's no time to go into all the others right now.
FACE 8: OH GOD SHE'S FALLEN OVER
You don't know first aid, do you? She caught a whiff of you and fainted dead away. Not from that angle, she's got a colostomy bag. No, it's not hers, she found it on the pavement. She's got it into her head that one day she'll meet the owner, and it'll be the beginning of this incredible romance. I've tried telling her he'd have got a new one by now, and that the last thing he'll want is to have the faeces of yesteryear sloshed into his lap by a randy widow. But you honestly can't tell her. I'm sorry, I can't keep calling you Bitch, not in front of mother. What's your name?
What will happen next? There's eight more pictures of Jimmy Carr to go - will he find love, or just add another luckless lady to the massive pile of murder victims in the scullery?
Pictures taken from jimmycarr.net - probably the finest Jimmy Carr Serial Murderer Fansite on the internet.
As we've already established, Jimmy Carr simply won't look at anything. There isn't a person, thing or experience that could interest him, since his happiness was lanced by an aristocrat's umbrella. Now! I'm a good-natured chap, and like the princess who couldn't laugh, I've made it my fatherly mission to offer Jimmy's hand in marriage to the first thing that warrants even a sly glance.
CONTESTANT ONE : A COW IN DIRE NEED OF MEDICAL ASSISTANCE
- Aren't you going to help the cow, Jimmy?
- But the cow, Jimmy. It's got syringes in its eyes. It won't even see you looking.
- Let the cow suffer. In its suffering, I will find what small pleasure I allow myself.
- Come on, Jimmy! Don't be like that. Give it a look, cheeky chops.
- Leave me now. I have to summon enough energy to embrace a void tomorrow.
- You win, Mr. Carr. You might also like to know that the cow's dead.
- Aren't we all?
CONTESTANT TWO : A WONKY CHILD WHAT DONE A PICTURE
- Jimmy, look at the picture that child drew for you! It's a dazzling kaliedoscopic lookathon!
- Come on, he's clearly not a very good child, so it probably took him a very long time. You could at least look at it, Dr Rib-Tickles.
- So, the child is one long drawing closer to death. I see no reason to celebrate that with a reckless look-see.
- Oh, go on, you frisky wee 'nana. Slap yer peelers on't.
- The only thing this child has to offer the world is its own death, and with it, the release from the endless duties that its life creates. To flatter its giftless output with a jamboree of wanton glimpsing is nothing short of repulsive hypocrisy.
- Hark at you, flobbergobs! Oh, look, Mr Carr. He loves you. If he had the motor skills, he'd be doing the lambada. Go on, lob it a lazy look! Gwan. Do it for a Chewit.
- I do not recognise that child as human. I will not soil myself by processing its unclean reality.
- Congratulations, Mr Carr! Next!
CONTESTANT THREE : THE STEAM DIMENSION
- I've called on the denizens of the steam dimension, Mr Carr.
- I'm impressed.
- No. I'm utterly unmoved.
- That's the spirit! Shall I describe what's going on behind you, or do you want to have a little peep? Incy peep? Jimmy have a teency peep peep?
- To offer a preference would be to register an interest. Instead, I will brush a little dust off my knee.
- But would you look at me if I... jumped in front of you, waving my arms?
- I'm sorry. I'm focussing on the emptiness of the universe, many millions of miles behind you. I cannot see you at all.
I swear, Jimmy Carr, if it's the last thing I do... I'll get you to look at something!
Jimmy Carr, eh! Never looks at anything, does he?
Jimmy! London's on fire, over there! Look at London, all on fire! Is he looking? Of course not. Jimmy Carr hasn't voluntarily looked at anything since infancy, when he realised that seeing things filled him with a burning sense of scorn. "God, everything's so feeble," he thought. "I wish I could somehow inform the world of my endless disdain for it."
Since that day, Jimmy Carr has become so good at not looking at things that he can not look at two things at once. Here, he's ignoring a starving dog, and some scary ghosts having a bonfire night. Jimmy Carr can afford enough dog food to fill a catamaran; why is he letting the dog die? Because he despises the dog's weakness.
Perhaps I'm trying the wrong approach - appealing to Jimmy Carr's sense of humanity might be wanking a dead man. I know! Here, Jimmy! Jimmy! It's some money, and a tit with your face on it, three times! Imagine that, Jimmy Carr - your face, on a tit!
Damn! And I even snuck them in on the other side to trick him. What's wrong with my money, Jimmy? Why won't you see my hot boob? Are you scared of what you might see? Hmm. I wonder what would happen if...
Good Lord. He can't keep that up forever, surely?
Well, it'd seem he could keep it up until the world degenerates into a Heironymous Bosch vision of the last judgment, anyway. Well, I give up. I just can't see to get Jimmy Carr to look at anything. I hope he can afford people to tell him if traffic's coming.