Category Archives: Games

StarCraft II: Exclusive Plot Details

Have you heard about the new game that is being made? I don’t suppose you have, because the magazine article I wrote in PC Zone isn’t out yet, and it’s not like there’s any more immediate ways of getting information these days. The new game is so exciting – if you’re Korean – that it’s had crowds of assembled Koreans screaming in delight, and such is the lasting appeal of the original game, to Koreans, that this sequel could easily have the same effect amongst Koreans in Europe, too. When this game comes out, you’re going to have to staple-gun your breeches to your inner thighs, unless you want them catapulted off by a blue sphere of sheer excitement.

So what’s the game about? Well, apart from the fact it’s StarCraft II and there’s a bunch of new units and that, Blizzard responded to questions by folding their arms and growling. What they didn’t realise is that I am a world-class tickler, and after three minutes dragging my teeth lightly across their raw flanks, they told me literally everything about the game.

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR SOME OF THE MOST EXCLUSIVE SHIT YOU’VE EVER SEEN – SOME OF THIS STUFF IS SO SECRET I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE BEEN ALLOWED TO KNOW IT AT YOU

protoss-warp-rays-and-phoenix-engage-terran-battlecruisers.jpg

This is the first time these two bunches of ships have met each other in ages. Those three on the left – Team Blue – have just totally gone up to the guys on the right, and started lasering them. The guys on the right are all like “fuck off /what the fuck”, because they were under the impression this was a diplomatic meeting about shipping quotas, and suddenly it’s all lasers and fucking hell. The guy in the ship on the bottom left is phoning his boss – this is an actual conversation from the game.

“They’re firing lasers at us.”
“That wasn’t on the itinerary. You should be negotiating trade routes at one o’clock.”
“Tell me about it. I’m so cross I can’t explain. I’m hopping mad.”
“Have you tried asking them to stop?”
“That’s the first thing I did.”
“Well, quite frankly I’m at a loss for words.”
“Everyone here is, too. Can you put something in writing to them?”
“Right away. Who shall I address it to?”
“Just put To Whom It May Concern.”
“A little frosty, perhaps?”
“You might be right. Put Sir/Madam.”

LATER

“Hello yes?”
“Good afternoon. You do know you’re firing lasers at our ships?”
“Oh God, I know. I’m so sorry about this.”
“May I venture to ask you why?”
“It’s these panels. You wouldn’t believe how close the laser button is to everything else.”
“We keep ours underneath a plastic flip-lid.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Hello?”
“Sorry, I was just writing that down.”
“So can you stop firing lasers at my team’s ships, please? Our health bar’s well into the yellow.”
“We’re trying. It’s just that the off button’s in another room. Give it a couple of minutes.”
“Oh, dear. I’m not sure they’ll last that long.”
“Well, I hope I’m not being too forward in suggesting that your ship might move out of the way of our laser until we turn it off?”
“Well I hardly think it’s our responsibility to get out of the way of your lasers.”
“There’s no need to be like that.”
“Now I’m hopping mad, too. This is the absolute limit.”

protoss-mothership-unleashes-its-planetcracker-ability.jpg

Uh-oh! This guy – the amazing new Whopper Tank – has joined the fight. That means trouble for the Banjo Squadron, who’ve assembled to petition Principal Belding about the quality of school dinners at Galaxy High. There’s also a sub-plot, in which a casually sexist comment (which draws a gasp and a boo from the live studio audience) causes the girls to challenge the boys to a game of soccer, to show them who is best at soccer, and by extension everything else.

Everything is going well, until one of the girls hoists up her dress and queefs on the ball, making the boys feel weird about kicking it, in case the queef gets in their shoes. Then the other girls start honking each other on the boobs and giggling. In the last five minutes, these unfair distraction tactics have left the boys down 4-2, and it’s only with the help of religion that they begin to see women as demonic temptresses, leading to widespread physical abuse, female circumcision, and a 5-4 win for the boys.Wa-Hey

mass-zerglings-attack-entrenched-terrans.jpg

This scene is a real tearjerker. It involves a lot of the people coming to a realisation, or developing their characters. The plot of StarCraft II is so complex that there are at least two thousand realisations and character developments in every mission – here are just some of the twists, realisations and developments going on in this screenshot.

  • I’m more like my enemy than I care to admit
  • Getting hurled away from a gigantic explosion isn’t as much fun as it seems on movie posters
  • If my wife could see me now she’d shit a red brick
  • There are nine million bicycles in Beijing, that’s a lot of bicycles
  • I’ve never hated The Lightning Seeds more than I do now
  • Right, that’s it, I’m joining the evil team
  • Whoops I forgot what we’re fighting for lol so jaded
  • Let’s get crunk on lime schnapps

four-protoss-colossus-ravage-terran-base.jpg

This is the final showdown. Everyone’s turned up: Jim Raynor, Big Dave, Captain Conkers, Al’Jaffa, Bryony From Accounts, SodBot 5000, Customers Number 145 through 162, Reece Dinsdale, and even comedian Jeff Green pops in to deliver a quick stand-up routine about how happy he is in his relationship with his wonderful wife, and how much richer and more abundant the world seems once you’ve reproduced. If you’ve seen the last episode of Heroes, where everyone puches Sylar once and he goes “stop it, you’re bullying me“, then it’s pretty much like that.

And that is what happens in StarCraft II, which will be out in 2008. Thank you very much.