Hi there. I’m a film star now, after sporting my ultra-modern beard in this internet video. I didn’t have that much to do with it, apart from reading stuff out and that, but anyway, it’s me, and I’m blogging it.
VideoJug: How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse
Nyah, He-Man, you broke my staff again.
Hi there, Jennifans!
As you all know, my life is amazing, and I have three bags full of crazy fun with every mouthful. However, that’s not to say that my daily life isn’t an agonizing catalogue of loss and regret. It’s because I love so much, and so intensely – the only equivalent I can think of, based on what I’ve been doing in the last twenty minutes – is that my love is an EMP bomb. Sure, it knocks out all the electronics and causes chaos, and sure, it’ll damage any friendly security bots you’ve hacked into; but it lets you open that door. The door to love.
The video was briefly unavailable, thanks to a bunch of humourless cunts who think more of their own legal rights than they do of my rights to dick about on the internet. Here it is again, in all the glorious SD of the era
Rosy Rockets is a bucket of inspiration.
Raz is a pixel genius.
I had an argument with an old woman who claimed my dad was fucking my sister in law.
I never thought these things would come together, but they have.
First, read the post about Irene, because it sets up the whole story. It’s also one of those good posts that makes me wonder where my writing mojo may have fucked off to. Make sure you listen to the sound file, for optimum “getting it”.
Then, click play on what Raz and Rosy did, below. It’s fucking brilliant. Absolutely requires sound.
Monday : Tuesday : Wednesday
As part of my promise to myself not to write about Brenda for a week, I’m trawling through some video files and seeing if they’re any cop. And lo! Some are better than others.
Wednesday brings the zany antics of Jaws and David – two goldfish who simply couldn’t be crazier! Also, there’s Paul and Tom in “The Ankle That I Have Broken”. Crazy days! If there’s one thing crazier than Paul, it’s Tom! Crazy time!!
THE GOLDFISH BOWL
The brief that 3 gave us was to be edgy. They were a new mobile network provider, and wanted to be seen as groundbreaking and “dangerous”. The cuntishness of “dangerous comedy” aside (hands up if you like Monkey Dust – now, everyone with their hand up, please slap yourselves silly), we soon found out exactly how dangerous they meant. Our forbidden list included:
- all swear words stronger than pinkies
- any reference to sex, beyond “a wry look at the difference between the sexes”
- any reference to any drug, including alcohol
- any violence that might be imitated (lasers were OK)
- cruelty to animals. One episode of Paul and Tom featured a robot dog getting tapped on the nose with a spade. It was rejected.
- Arbitrary Other : Robot Q, with his effeminate voice, was judged to be a child, so we couldn’t be cruel to him. The solution? Write a script where he claims, proudly, that he is seven hundred fucking years old (without the fucking, obviously). Then mangle him in every way possible.
They were also so sensitive about appearing racist, that a cartoon was ditched at the last minute because someone noticed that the zookeeper looked a bit Indian. “You can’t imply that an Indian man molests pandas”, they said. Our reply, of course, was “OH COME ON, THEY’RE ALL FUCKING AT IT, TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND”.
“We might as well write about a couple of fucking goldfish,” I thought wryly to myself, whilst puffing on my +1 Pipe of Intelligence. And the rest is zany fishbowl history!
So, how do two goldfish entertain themselves with no external stimuli? Well, they piss and shit themselves, so that’s two episodes sorted. Then there’s special guests, which included an Uncle, a nephew, a deep-sea DJ, and in this episode, a hapless bear and two hundred spectators.
PAUL AND TOM
You’ll remember from Monday that Paul and Tom are intensely competetive, and that by episode forty we’d got so desperate that we had them bickering about wardrobes. This is episode fifty. Seriously, when it came to awful, repetitive comedy, we wrote enough unchanging shit to put Little Britain to shame.
Monday / Tuesday
It’s Video Week! But I’m not going to make it easy for you – I’m going to write words, too. Stupid, annoying words!
Although this was Simon’s baby, I get the absolute fear in situations where I have to “sell an idea”. There’s some humble-valve that stops me from claiming that anything I’ve done, or any idea I’ve had, is anything other than hugely flawed.
Of course, I’m being cunning here, and making myself sound modest. In actual fact, it’s pure cowardice. If I say I hate my idea first, then it doesn’t matter what you think – I’ve already distanced myself. It’s safe, and it gets nothing done. Excellent.
SNIPPETS FROM HISTORY : 1933
DES : Listen… I’ve got this idea. It’s not brilliant, and I haven’t really worked out the details yet. It’s just a little idea – well, more of an absraction, really – just a skeleton.
ADOLF : Go on.
DES : OK… you probably won’t agree, and that’s fine… but I was just thinking about having a massive Kristallnacht then killing all the Jews. No, forget it, terrible idea.
ADOLF : Yes, let’s move on.
And we all know how THAT one ended. A decent idea, lost to the conniving, gobby demagogue. For the purposes of this analogy, I have assumed that genocide and holocausts are “decent ideas”. You might disagree.
In this clip, although I’m voicing the blustering blowhard, because I like shouting into microphones, I do get a little bit angry for Tommy, doomed to get shouted over by enthusiastic salespeople with all the volume and no fucking clue.
THE ROBOT WARRIORS OF QUADRANT F
When you’re writing animations, it’s always nice to give the animators a helping hand. Lip synching can be time-consuming and tedious – so why not have a cartoon that features robots, whose talking-grills would just light up when they’re talking? That would free up the animator to put all kinds of pleasing nuances into other aspects of the cartoon! Or, as this clip demonstrates, not.
Background : The Robot Warriors of Quadrant F are a formidable race of steel creatures. Robot X and Y are the foot soldiers, Robot Z is the boss, and Robot Q is the enigmatic creation who talks like a girl and wears a jumper his mum made. This strip perhaps shows myself and Simon operating at the very trough of our vocal powers.
More moving video shit tomorrow. Sigh!
<< Previous Video Clips : Cervix : Collection : Arousals : F&W1 : F&W2 : F&W3
NOW IN A HIGHLY COMPRESSED FORMAT WITH VISIBLE LOSS OF QUALITY
When I get distracted by other things, and forget to write blog entries, I like to throw a video decoy, to draw attention away from my indiscipline. So it’s back to what I will hatefully refer to as “the vault”, to dig out the stuff that I wrote for 3 Mobile Phones, before they focussed their attentions on ripping apart cartoon animals.
FIRESTARTER & WATERBOY : THE DINNER DATE
The love-lives of Superheroes are notoriously complex – Spiderman has that whole “responsibility” thing going on, Superman also has that whole “responsibility” thing going on, and The Thing keeps accidentally doing the Invisible man up the arse while he’s fucking Batgirl. With great power comes a sharp decline in getting your fingers dirty.
PAUL AND TOM
We never really knew the target audience of 3, although you can imagine the endless fun we had saying that we had a target audience of 3, lol, etc. When we asked their people who were buying the phones, they shuffled uneasily and muttered that they weren’t at liberty to talk about that sort of thing.
So, we had to guess who we were writing for. As the initial 3 packages were Â£60 or Â£100 a month, we guessed that the kind of people using the new, frankly hideous phones (with a less than 12-hour battery life) would be early-adopting idiots who had to have the best of everything, with scant regard to the cost or quality of the service.
So, the “skinny” with Paul and Tom was, they’re best friends in a race with no other runners. And they’re competitive. DVDs, Hi-Fi, Home Cinema, they’re both constantly attempting to outdo each other in every aspect of their lives. Lampooning your own audience – very big, very clever. Worked for Nirvana, and there was nothing self-destructive about them.
It worked – this early episode was used in a TV advert. (We were given strict time limits of 30 seconds to begin with, hence us both talking very quickly.) Hearing your own voice in the break of Big Brother isn’t such a bad thing, and getting texts asking “was that you?” was testimony to my poor voice talent.
Forty episodes later, we were running out of ideas. Draw a list of things to be competitive about, and when you get to the 30-40 mark, you start writing things like “extreme novelty socks” and “cocktail cabinet globes”. In one episode, Paul spent the whole sketch dreaming about making his future-baby piss in Tom’s face.
In a moment of hysterical blandness, I wrote this episode – The Wardrobe – and was aghast when it was approved. It’s one of the rare moments when I’m not voicing the only insufferable dick, Simon takes a break from voicing a long-suffering submissive quasi-gay partner, to voice a long-suffering insufferable dick.
Episodes : One : Two : Three
Well! Since our last encounter with Professor Fate, which involved a bloodless stabbing and a self-inflicted fork in the eye, we’ve been through a touching and emotional Genesis scene, in which Professor Fate’s heartbreaking childhood was revealed, and his adult aversion to pre-chewed peanuts and sweetcorn was – at last – explained.
Meanwhile, Firestarter and Waterboy have visited the Gypsy Oracle, and were granted powers more visually impressive than any others ever seen like anywhere. They used these powers for thirty minutes to fend off a high-resolution meteor and the Zombie Brain. Then they went home, and celebrated with toast, cooked by their new rainbow eye-lasers.
We rejoin the action as Professor Fate as he makes a telephone call to an old accomplice. You never get to see her – that’s character design, and it costs money. Money that the commissioners of this cartoon simply couldn’t find between their millions of pounds.
AMAZENEWS! This episode is actually in a Flash file. That means you will need Flash, in case you’re charmingly dumb.
FIRESTARTER AND WATERBOY
The Professor Fate Quadrology #3
WHY WONT SHE KISS ME IS IT MY BIG NOES
Credits : I wrote this episode so that I did nearly all the talking because I am the best talker on Earth. Simon, however, did insist on having a line, but I made sure it wasn’t any good.
Episodes : One : Two : Three
You’ll remember Firestarter and Waterboy, right? They were the incredible Superheroes with the classic Sitcom relationship! One’s an unintelligent braggart who relentlessly gets his comeuppance, the other’s the more practical one who treats him with long-suffering disdain! Hang on, it’s Delia Smith on the phone! She says I’ve stolen her recipe for laughter!
FIRESTARTER AND WATERBOY
The Professor Fate Quadrology #2
YOUR A SILLY MAN MISTER FATE LOL :'(
Since the last instalment, where Professor Fate was defeated by references to his weight, Firestarter and Waterboy have fought many impressive villains in lavish set-pieces that have pushed back the limits of technological innovation, and caused Donald Hollywood himself to say “Steady On!”
Colonel Murdertime, Grand Vizier Kidkisser, and Mrs Pol Pot have all yielded to the dazzling displays of our heroes’ awesome powers.
We rejoin them as they have a nice sit down in a restaurant, and don’t move too erratically, or in a way that would create undue work for the animator.
PS : I am Firestarter, Professor Fate, and the lovely lady you see above. Simon is Waterboy and the man who shouts “Surprise” too late. These credits are better than the first credits because I did even more and am brilliant.
Episodes : One : Two : Three
Firestarter and Waterboy are Superheroes. Their adventures failed to grace the screens of third generation mobile phones over two years ago, and they died from the only disease that can kill Superheroes – public indifference and biceps cancer. They died in obscurity, although you may be aware of the Adam Sandler movie and Prodigy song named after them. (Note clever reversal there, reality is mine to play with.)
The Adventures of Firestarter and Waterboy are rendered lovingly in wmv video files. “What?” you are screaming! “But this kind of thick-lined, simply-drawn and garishly-coloured low frame rate animation would be ideally suited to the earliest versions of Flash!” And you’re right. It just didn’t work out that way and I’m sorry.
FIRESTARTER AND WATERBOY
The Professor Fate Quadrology #1 : Oh Noes Were Tide To Wall
In this first exciting instalment, we join our heroes in the sparsely decorated laboratory of Professor Fate. They have been captured in a really high-budget fight scene where everyone used their powers. Sadly, they remain pretty much motionless for the duration of this scene, apart from to talk a bit and look at each other. But the badly-timed dialogue is quite well lip-synched, so it’s not all bad.
PS : I am Firestarter and Professor Fate, Simon is Waterboy, And I Forgot Who Did The Animation. These are good credits ‘cos I did most.
The videos you are about to watch will do one of two things. If you are a boy, your nuts will inflate to the size of a foam novelty hand. If you are a girl, you will fall to your haunches and make a grubby little puddle at your feet. Either way, once you’ve seen these videos, you will be entirely primed for the lovemaking act.
If you’re watching these videos at work, rest assured – they’re work safe. You’ll be slamming your hands on the monitor and howling like a peacock, but they won’t get you sacked for winklewatching. Sound is a non-essential bonus.
|PARIS IS FOR LOVERS
In this breathtaking video we take a sensual journey into the depths of forbidden romance – who cares whether it ends in heartbreak? We must live for today.
This edition was previously shown here.
|DRIZZLED WITH ECSTASY
This clip takes us far beyond love and romance, and into the all-consuming madness that is obsession. When reason succumbs to desire, there can be only one outcome – this video clip.
|THE GARDEN OF FLESH
This clip is a sizzling exposition of modern eroticism set against a historical backdrop of the great lovers. Casanova, Caligula, Stringfellow; all are acknowledged in this violently sexual masterpiece.
Instant Arousalâ„¢ : Creating Turbulence In Your Fundament Since 2003