1. JOE MEETS MEG RYAN ON THE MEAN STREETS
Joe : Come on, piss-hat! Pick a card!
Meg Ryan : Seven of hearts!
Joe : No, physically pick one out of the pack, you dumb ho-bag.
Meg Ryan : Right, I’ll take this one.
Joe : It’s the seven of hearts!
Meg Ryan : Look again! They’re ALL seven of hearts.
Joe : Wow. This is the best trick ever.
Meg Ryan : Now I’m the seven of hearts!

2. LATER, AT THE VOLCANO
Boulder : You’ve changed, Volcano. You’re no fun any more.
Volcano : I’ve been meaning to tell you. I am getting engaged to the Pyrenees. My crazy days are over.
Boulder : Aw. Are you gonna get married? Are you gonna have a little wedding with almonds in little fucking bags?
Volcano : Yes! There will be many almonds in little fucking bags!
Boulder : Excuse me. I’m going to roll around in a copse for a while.
Volcano : Don’t block the exits to any caves!
Boulder : Fuck you.
Volcano : To celebrate my engagement to an entire mountain range, I will festoon that pretty village with delicious lava!

3. MEG RYAN BUYS A CANDLE
Meg Ryan : CANDLE ME FAT BOY
Candle Salesman : I only have one candle left and it smells.
Meg Ryan : Good smell?
Candle Salesman : Why don’t you lean in and sniff for yourself?
Meg Ryan : Alright, I will.
[Meg Ryan sniffs the candle]
Meg Ryan : Oh no! It’s a trap!
Candle Salesman : Correct! It smells impolite!

4. JOE MEETS THE VOLCANO IN A BARN
Volcano : Fight time!
Joe : Dragon Punch!
Volcano : Roundhouse Kick!
Joe : Double Roundhouse!
Volcano : …
Joe : Fight me!
Volcano : I’m building up power, hang on.
Joe : OK, cool.
Volcano : …
Joe : This had better be good.
Volcano : …
Joe : Are yo -
Volcano : BUM-WEE HORSE!
Joe : Eh?
Volcano : It’s a horse that wees out its bum.

5. BOULDER WANTS A BIKE-CYCLE
Boulder : Is this Halfords?
Biggles : I’ll give you three guesses.
Boulder : Yes!
Biggles : Incorrect.
Boulder : Yes!
Biggles : Incorrect.
Boulder : …
Biggles : It isn’t Halfords.
Boulder : LET ME GUESS
Biggles : OK, sorry.
Boulder : It’s no good now, you’ve ruined it.

6. THE PYRENEES DUMP THE VOLCANO
Pyreness : Hello you are dumped. Can we be friends?
Volcano : Let’s give it a couple of months.
Pyrenees : This is so like you.
Volcano : So like you more like.
Pyrenees : I’m like you. Look at me. HNG.
Volcano : Stop it or I’m telling.
Pyrenees : I’ve already told. Everyone knows.
Volcano : You can’t have done because I would have heard you tell.
Pyrenees : I did it in code.
Volcano : Ah but I’ve got a decoding machine.
Pyrenees : It’s unplugged.
Volcano : It’s solar-powered.
Pyrenees : I told at night.
Volcano : Look over there. That horse is weeing out of its bum.

7. JOE STARES OUT OF A WINDOW FOR TWENTY MINUTES WHILE MEG RYAN IS SUPERIMPOSED IN THE SKY BUT HE CAN’T SEE HER BECAUSE IT’S A METAPHOR

8. THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION
Joe : I love Meg Ryan but I have to jump into the volcano.
Meg Ryan : I love you too don’t jump into the volcano.
Joe : Sorry it is just something I have to do.
Meg Ryan : That is a shame, but I will wait for you.
Joe : I’ll be dead.
Meg Ryan : OK, I won’t wait for you.

THE END

Coming soon! Real life Firestarter and Waterboy action reality adventures inside an actual real life creepy cave in real life!

(The reason I didn’t get this finished last night is because I got embarrassed doing the voices in my room, while my flatmates were watching a film next door. So I just went in and watched the film. The film was “But I’m A Cheerleader”, which is pretty gay. But not quite as gay as sitting in your room doing voices for cut-out bits of paper.)

Brenda, the lady who sits opposite me at work, and a woman whom I despise with a kind of joyful clench, has just walked in at 9:53. This is pretty late, by all accounts, so from observing her habits, I know she’s going to shout really loud about some outrageous fucking lie to justify this one…

Sure enough, ten minutes later, I’m sitting through her sixth retelling of the story about how her fridge freezer packed in, and has flooded her kitchen. Her husband is at home, up to his knees in towels! And she’d gotten up especially early, because she wanted to be here at eight, to start attacking her huge workload, too. How cruel life is!

This certainly is proportionately more elaborate than the time she was 15 minutes late, when the reason was simply the longest traffic jam in the world. That was also on a day you were planning to get in early, wasn’t it? The fates must really conspire against you, you brown-spouting fuck.

I smile, with the fake placidity of furiously paddling duck, and stifle my natural response. “I no more want to hear your dreary fucking lies than I want to slide toothpicks into my eardrums, you stupid, withered slice of meaningless bitch pie.”

Edit : I just took a photo of her. Please feel utterly free to print this out, roll it up, slide it into your arsehole and shit through it. In fact, if anyone were to send me a picture of themselves desecrating this picture, I would send them real presents through the post. Go on, piss on her. Piss on her face. Please.

This office just took a downturn. Let me introduce you to yesterday, with Brenda.

9:10
We walked into the office together. When we reached our desks, she screeched in her vinegar whine over the tables. “So why were you late?” Only she didn’t use the inflection that might have implied that she was late too. This is her tactic, the shrill faux-friendly voice that lets everyone know your business. Thank fuck she can’t see the insane pornography I’m staring at all day.

9:45
I was having a conversation with the other woman opposite me. This is what I do when I’m not on the internet. Brenda comes back from whatever she fucking does in the corridor - to be honest I don’t want to think about it - and started repeating the last thing we said to each other. I checked her face without making eye contact, and her disgusting jowels were flapping with exasperation that she wasn’t part of the conversation. I hate her.

10:14
The man came to fix her telephone. For one week, she has been without a telephone, and has sat in her fucking chair like a puddle of dog shit, saying “everyone’s calling me! And I’m not available! I mean, if they want me to sit here do nothing, I will **GROTESQUE LAUGH** but I’d like to do some work! **GROTESQUE LAUGH**”

The phone man needed to drop some cable behind her desk. She couldn’t stop herself from trying to help; she kept pulling the cable in a way that exactly undid what the engineer had just done. I was furious on his behalf, and could barely stop myself from making audible whimpers as she yanked brainlessly away.

11:12
She conspires with me that she has been frustrated with her lack of a phone. “You’ve seen those comedy sketches, haven’t you?” I smile, but don’t reply with words. “You know those comedy sketches? Where the televisions go out the windows? Sometimes I feel like that.”

ONE - Televisions out of windows is a rock star cliché, not a famous set of comedy sketches, you cunt.
TWO - Do you mean you feel like you’re a television going out the window? Or do you mean you feel like throwing your television out of the window? What are you fucking saying, woman?
THREE - It’s called a MONITOR, you thick-striped twat.

“Yes, I’ve seen televisions out of windows,” I reply.

12:39
She calls me Jon. Fine, that’s my name. She calls Lynn Lynn. Excellent, well done. However, when she talks about our likeable and unsavage boss, Jan, she goes the extra mile and says the full name. Every time. Swinging it around like it lends her some kind of authority.

“Not just any old Jan, you understand! I am referring to the one and only J. Sherlock! Yes, the very same! Ms. J. Sherlock who runs post-registration nursing courses in this faculty we’re standing in right here!”

Here’s a heads-up, you cunt - I’ve seen Jan look at you, and it’s only because she’s a fundamentally nice woman that she doesn’t tell you to go stick everything in your pisspipes. You only escape it from me because I’m the kind of person who’d rather shout at the internet.

1:12
Out of morbid curiosity, I look at her face again, and see that her mouth is, in effect, upside down. Her tits are like well-chewed and rehydrated prunes. She trips over something, and jokingly threatens to sue something or other. Then all hell breaks loose as she discovers that there is a photocopier in the next room.

“There’s a photocopier next door? I was told I had to use the ones on the eighth floor. I’ve been going up seven flights to do my work.”

She then changes her story, and repeats it down the office.

“There’s a photocopier next door? Sue was told that she had to use the ones on the eighth floor. She’s been lugging all her work up seven flights.”

Right, you fucking hero. You altruistic piss-drinking darling. If it wasn’t enough that you’ve adopted Sue as your own personal Live Aid cause, you may have noticed those lifts? The lifts that take you up and down the building, you retarded Surrey fuck? Lifts make all floors the same floor!

2:15
Ms Sherlock walks past our table. Brenda - and I just stopped typing to snap a pencil even thinking the word - breaks off from nattering fruitlessly to me, and calls her over. “I don’t think Jon gets my sense of humour,” she said. “I think I’m a little bit too much for him.”

Don’t even get me started, bitch! I got your sense of humour the moment you opened your anus-lipped face! Your humour is unvaryingly a three-punch-combo;

1. Squeal in that fucking voice you have for two minutes about how difficult everything is for you, because other people simply make your life hell.
2. Say something resigned, like you don’t really care.
3. ** GROTESQUE LAUGH ** to cover up the fact that no-one else gives a leopard’s gash about your interminable suffering at the hands of the hole-punch thieves.

It’s not that difficult to get, Brenda! Now blow it out your cunt!

3:42
She’s been quiet for an hour, now. God, I hate her so much. I’m going to walk around a bit, and see what’s on her screen.

It’s a database entry form page. Jesus. That’s just so totally her.

OH GOD SHE’S PUTTING A SANDWICH IN HER MOUTH. She put about half of it in. She’s only two feet tall, and she’s cramming granary bloomers into her leathery neck. It’s 3:45, woman! Since when was that STUFF YOUR FUCKING FACE O’CLOCK?

4:30
Her phone’s ringing too much for her. It’s rung around four times since it was fixed at 10:14. The first time it rang was “Here we go!!!” Every time after that, she flapped her arms at me as though to say “Look! Look at this! Isn’t is abominable, what I put up with? You understand, don’t you? We bonded in that twenty minutes I talked to you about my holiday. You remember, that 20 minutes where you didn’t say anything? I just went on and on at you? You remember, right? You must remember, because I didn’t even stop when you actually turned your back on me and scowled at the wall!”

So now, she has a new bane of her life. I honestly don’t think this woman could operate with any less than 20 concurrent banes.

HOME TIME
In summary, Brenda is not the best work colleague, and if you have an office you’d like me to work in, please say so. I promise not to write anything like this about your staff.

There was a woman in Ealing Sainsbury’s Local yesterday. She was pushing her shopping trolley around, and asking, “Is this the bread?”

I laughed. There’s nothing funnier than a woman walking past some Dolmio, squinting suspiciously, and asking “Is this the bread?”

What made it even funnier - to my mind - was the utterly unfriendly way she was barking it at no-one in particular. She didn’t look like she wanted an answer, she seemed perfectly self-contained and willing to walk up and down the two small aisles forever.

Then she changed her tactic. “Excuse me, I can’t see. Can you tell me where the bread is?”

Well, that explained something. She wasn’t insane, just a grumpy blind.

I followed her briefly, hiding behind things and being as stealthy as you have to be, when you’re following blind people. She found the bread, and woofed “Is that the bread?”

The man standing between me and the fierce woman looked awkward, and said “yes, it’s just there”.

“Where?” she demanded, her gracelessness intact. “I can’t see. Is it Kingsmill?”

This was Sunday evening in an understocked Sainsbury’s Local. There was only one loaf of bread left, on the centre of the shelf. It was, to the man’s relief, a Kingsmill, and he told her so.

The woman lunged at it, and squeezed it into her face. The man and myself stared at her - my mouth had opened by one finger - and she threw the loaf down and said “That’s Kingsmill GOLD. I don’t want Kingsmill GOLD. Is there any down there?” She gestured at the area around me.

I walked off. If you’re going to rely on the kindness of strangers, don’t expect people you treat like mere tools to happily tell you whether that is a packet of six bagels or a loaf of Kingsmill. I skipped around the shop, happy with my observations, to find my companion, who - lacking a compulsive interest in watching cuntish behaviour - was actually shopping. I quietly said things like “rude bitch”, hoping that her hearing had been enhanced by the blindness. I am a grown-up.

Here she is, in a blurry picture that is probably what bread looks like to her -

The rest of our shop was punctuated by an arrogant but helpless voice. No-one was helping her; she’d only got lucky with the bread man because I was blocking his escape route. When we got to the checkout, she was still walking around the shop with her combination shopping trolley / laptop bag. She had nothing in her basket - and fuck knows how long she had been there before we arrived - and she was shouting to the air in front of her.

“Where is the manager of this shift?”

After ignoring her for as long as possible, and acknowledging the growing sense amongst the customers that someone should say something, one of the staff said “he’s by the spirits and wines”. So she carried on walking around, now shouting “where are the spirits and wines?” This didn’t help her cause at all, as she now just looked like a mad, rude alcoholic.

It was vaguely and shamingly satisfying to see someone getting absolutely nowhere by being rude.

The puddle of goodness in me wanted to feel pity for her. It wanted to look past her attitude, and see the circumstances that had made her who she was. But I couldn’t. It would have taken something special to feel anything human towards this aisle-roaming Dalek of a woman. I wanted her to collapse. I wanted her to shrink into a pitiful, helpless wreck. I wanted to hear her sobbing “it’s difficult… for me… especially since Henry died… I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just how it… comes out…” In short, I wanted her to stop being a cunt and start being human, so that I could stop feeling like it was my civic duty to push her over and run off.

But we’d bought flapjacks, and I was quite hungry, so I left her to it.

Ten Shit Dreams I Have Had

1. I was eating a bag of crisps. They were KP Skips, and they were well-seasoned and delicious. As the last crisp melted onto my tongue, I woke up.

---

2. I went to a bar that sold numbers. I asked for two nines and a seven plus three. The barman rolled his eyes, and asked me if I didn’t just want a ten. I said no, it tastes different. He reluctantly went to serve me my numbers. Before he produced the drinks, I woke up.

---

3. I bought an Xbox 360 for 360 Euros - there was a promotion on, you see. I lay on my stomach in the shop for a while, and played a game where you jumped up and down. There were children watching me, because I was jumping so well. I bought the console, and took it home. My flatmates had sold the television and the front froom only had two walls, so I had to jump in real life instead. Then I woke up.

---

4. My mother left a huge pile of fire in the kitchen. She told me that she was going away, and that I had to wash the fire by the time she got back. I had to get the fire so clean that she could see her face in it. I said something sassy about “I wish I could see your face in it”. Then I put some fire into the washing machine, sat down, and watched it flumble around until I woke up.

---

5. A man was selling me his house, but he was only selling it to me so he could snipe me from a nearby hill. His wife, knew about his plan and fell in love with me. She tried to discourage me from buying the house. I fell in love with her, too, but bought the house anyway. When I was moving in, she rushed in to warn me, and got shot by the bullet that was meant for me. The man said sorry and I woke up.

---

6. I made friends with the Boy from Mars. He could do all kinds of magic stuff - anything I asked, he could do. I asked him if he wanted to tie elastic around some dirty knickers and dangle them off a balcony. He said yes, and we dangled dirty knickers off the balcony until I woke up.

---

7. The next night, I had the same dream. But because it was a proper follow-on, the dream began with the caption - “The Boy From Mars : Part Two” - before we tied elastic around knickers and dangled them off the balcony.

---

8. I was in a pub, and there was a tin of Spaghetti Bolognese on the counter. I was a child. I looked into the tin, and it went “blop”, and a bit landed on the counter. I looked out of the window, and a picture of my bedroom ceiling fell on top of my face. Then I realised that I had my eyes open, and had woken up.

---

9. I was at a party, and I suddenly realised it was a dream, so I got bored. Lucid dreams should be great - do what you like, have magic, and stuff. Instead, I just went around asking everyone to pinch me, so I could wake up. Everyone said “Don’t wake up, we’re having fun!” so I sat on the stairs and sulked until I woke up naturally. It could have been the best party ever, if I’d said “OK then everyone form a bum train”, but I was too busy sulking on the stairs for infinite anal madness.

---

10. I am on one side of the world, and everyone else is on the other side. Then an earthquake splits the earth in two. I am left, sailing through space, on the clumsiest and least original metaphor for fear of loneliness there has ever been. The unworthiness of the imagery is heartbreaking.

Episodes : One : Two : Three

Well! Since our last encounter with Professor Fate, which involved a bloodless stabbing and a self-inflicted fork in the eye, we’ve been through a touching and emotional Genesis scene, in which Professor Fate’s heartbreaking childhood was revealed, and his adult aversion to pre-chewed peanuts and sweetcorn was - at last - explained.

Meanwhile, Firestarter and Waterboy have visited the Gypsy Oracle, and were granted powers more visually impressive than any others ever seen like anywhere. They used these powers for thirty minutes to fend off a high-resolution meteor and the Zombie Brain. Then they went home, and celebrated with toast, cooked by their new rainbow eye-lasers.

We rejoin the action as Professor Fate as he makes a telephone call to an old accomplice. You never get to see her - that’s character design, and it costs money. Money that the commissioners of this cartoon simply couldn’t find between their millions of pounds.

AMAZENEWS! This episode is actually in a Flash file. That means you will need Flash, in case you’re charmingly dumb.

FIRESTARTER AND WATERBOY
The Professor Fate Quadrology #3
WHY WONT SHE KISS ME IS IT MY BIG NOES

[Reader clicks picture for ACTION]

Credits : I wrote this episode so that I did nearly all the talking because I am the best talker on Earth. Simon, however, did insist on having a line, but I made sure it wasn’t any good.

Jimmy Carr, eh! Never looks at anything, does he?

Jimmy! London’s on fire, over there! Look at London, all on fire! Is he looking? Of course not. Jimmy Carr hasn’t voluntarily looked at anything since infancy, when he realised that seeing things filled him with a burning sense of scorn. “God, everything’s so feeble,” he thought. “I wish I could somehow inform the world of my endless disdain for it.”

Since that day, Jimmy Carr has become so good at not looking at things that he can not look at two things at once. Here, he’s ignoring a starving dog, and some scary ghosts having a bonfire night. Jimmy Carr can afford enough dog food to fill a catamaran; why is he letting the dog die? Because he despises the dog’s weakness.

Perhaps I’m trying the wrong approach - appealing to Jimmy Carr’s sense of humanity might be wanking a dead man. I know! Here, Jimmy! Jimmy! It’s some money, and a tit with your face on it, three times! Imagine that, Jimmy Carr - your face, on a tit!

Damn! And I even snuck them in on the other side to trick him. What’s wrong with my money, Jimmy? Why won’t you see my hot boob? Are you scared of what you might see? Hmm. I wonder what would happen if…

Good Lord. He can’t keep that up forever, surely?

Well, it’d seem he could keep it up until the world degenerates into a Heironymous Bosch vision of the last judgment, anyway. Well, I give up. I just can’t see to get Jimmy Carr to look at anything. I hope he can afford people to tell him if traffic’s coming.

More Attempts To Make Jimmy Carr Look >>

GANDHI

Mohandes : I’m learning a new language!
[pause]
Mohandes : I can say piss in Greek!
[pause]
Mohandes : ούρα!
[pause]
Mohandes : That’s piss, in Greek!

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

Harry : Is it orgasm time yet?
Sally : Not yet.
Harry : Can I…
Sally : Orgasm time!
Harry : You’re… hurting… me…
Sally : orgasmorgasmorgasmorgasmorgasm

THE MATRIX

Neo : Where is everything?
Oracle : I ate it.
Neo : I have created it again. Please do not eat this one.
Oracle : Dessert!

THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY

Robert :(
Francesca :P
Robert :|
Francesca :P
Robert :)

GHOSTBUSTERS

Spengler : Look! A Ghost Lady!
Zeddemore : Look! A Ghost Dracula!
Venkman : Look! A Ghost Pony!
Stantz : cum on guyz itsa fancy dress party u bin doin this all nite

FRIED GREEN TOMATOES AT THE WHISTLESTOP CAFÉ

Evelyn : I will hobble you, like I hobbled all the others.
Igdie : Anti-hobble Igdie!
Evelyn : Why… can’t I… hobble you?
Igdie : Igdie Unhobbleable!
Evelyn : Hnnnnnngggggg!!!
Igdie : Here, hobble this instead.
Evelyn : Thanks.

THE TERMINAL

Tom : VruM! hahaha!
Zeta : Vorq. Ack ack ack.
Tom : !!! ??? Wa!?
Zeta : Mnuu. Eaaaarrrr. Fruf.
Tom : Chu?
Zeta : Fruf!
Tom : CHU!
Everyone in the Airport : Hahaha! Aw.

ICE COLD IN ALEX

Anson : Where are you going on holiday?
Crosbie : I’ve got a timeshare on Duncan.
Anson : Nice. I was thinking of something a little different this year.
Crosbie : Susan?
Anson : DIMENSION TERROR.

MEET JOE BLACK

Joe : HELLO
William : Stop shouting.
Joe : I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M DEATH
William : For God’s sake, I’m only just here.
Joe : HANG ON I’LL STAND OUTSIDE
William : Am I dead yet?
Joe : NOT YET HANG ON
[pause]
Joe : CAN I COME BACK IN, MY SCYTHE’S NOT LONG ENOUGH

Episodes : One : Two : Three

You’ll remember Firestarter and Waterboy, right? They were the incredible Superheroes with the classic Sitcom relationship! One’s an unintelligent braggart who relentlessly gets his comeuppance, the other’s the more practical one who treats him with long-suffering disdain! Hang on, it’s Delia Smith on the phone! She says I’ve stolen her recipe for laughter!

FIRESTARTER AND WATERBOY
The Professor Fate Quadrology #2
YOUR A SILLY MAN MISTER FATE LOL :’(

Since the last instalment, where Professor Fate was defeated by references to his weight, Firestarter and Waterboy have fought many impressive villains in lavish set-pieces that have pushed back the limits of technological innovation, and caused Donald Hollywood himself to say “Steady On!”

Colonel Murdertime, Grand Vizier Kidkisser, and Mrs Pol Pot have all yielded to the dazzling displays of our heroes’ awesome powers.

We rejoin them as they have a nice sit down in a restaurant, and don’t move too erratically, or in a way that would create undue work for the animator.

[Reader clicks picture for ACTION]

PS : I am Firestarter, Professor Fate, and the lovely lady you see above. Simon is Waterboy and the man who shouts “Surprise” too late. These credits are better than the first credits because I did even more and am brilliant.