I Have Shit Dreams
Ten Shit Dreams I Have Had
- I was eating a bag of crisps. They were KP Skips, and they were well-seasoned and delicious. As the last crisp melted onto my tongue, I woke up.
- I went to a bar that sold numbers. I asked for two nines and a seven plus three. The barman rolled his eyes, and asked me if I didn’t just want a ten. I said no, it tastes different. He reluctantly went to serve me my numbers. Before he produced the drinks, I woke up.
- I bought an Xbox 360 for 360 Euros - there was a promotion on, you see. I lay on my stomach in the shop for a while, and played a game where you jumped up and down. There were children watching me, because I was jumping so well. I bought the console, and took it home. My flatmates had sold the television and the front froom only had two walls, so I had to jump in real life instead. Then I woke up.
- My mother left a huge pile of fire in the kitchen. She told me that she was going away, and that I had to wash the fire by the time she got back. I had to get the fire so clean that she could see her face in it. I said something sassy about “I wish I could see your face in it”. Then I put some fire into the washing machine, sat down, and watched it flumble around until I woke up.
- A man was selling me his house, but he was only selling it to me so he could snipe me from a nearby hill. His wife, knew about his plan and fell in love with me. She tried to discourage me from buying the house. I fell in love with her, too, but bought the house anyway. When I was moving in, she rushed in to warn me, and got shot by the bullet that was meant for me. The man said sorry and I woke up.
- I made friends with the Boy from Mars. He could do all kinds of magic stuff - anything I asked, he could do. I asked him if he wanted to tie elastic around some dirty knickers and dangle them off a balcony. He said yes, and we dangled dirty knickers off the balcony until I woke up.
- The next night, I had the same dream. But because it was a proper follow-on, the dream began with the caption - “The Boy From Mars : Part Two” - before we tied elastic around knickers and dangled them off the balcony.
- I was in a pub, and there was a tin of Spaghetti Bolognese on the counter. I was a child. I looked into the tin, and it went “blop”, and a bit landed on the counter. I looked out of the window, and a picture of my bedroom ceiling fell on top of my face. Then I realised that I had my eyes open, and had woken up.
- I was at a party, and I suddenly realised it was a dream, so I got bored. Lucid dreams should be great - do what you like, have magic, and stuff. Instead, I just went around asking everyone to pinch me, so I could wake up. Everyone said “Don’t wake up, we’re having fun!” so I sat on the stairs and sulked until I woke up naturally. It could have been the best party ever, if I’d said “OK then everyone form a bum train”, but I was too busy sulking on the stairs for infinite anal madness.
- I am on one side of the world, and everyone else is on the other side. Then an earthquake splits the earth in two. I am left, sailing through space, on the clumsiest and least original metaphor for fear of loneliness there has ever been. The unworthiness of the imagery is heartbreaking.
