Archive for the ‘Words’ Category

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Wooftard Rendezvous

26, Feb 2010

I’ve just been to Burger King.
I ordered the Cheezy Bites, because I’m something of an explorer. There was something about the Mini-Angus Burger from the kids menu that stank of pedestrianism, and I fancied something a little more… recherché.
My hopes have rarely been higher, so you can imagine my disgust when I unfolded my greasy paper [...]

Happy Birthday Steve

12, Feb 2010

Steve: do you think cockatiels enjoy singing like we enjoy singing
Log: I wonder if they’re trying to impress us into having sex with them. I thought that’s what birdsong was all about. Or territory. Perhaps they’re telling us to get out
Steve: well, when we sing we are trying to impress people on to our cocks/into [...]

Boxing Helena & Eating Raoul

4, Feb 2010

To some people, the 80s were all about the rivalry between  Duran Duran and Wham!
People talk of the playground being divided by a huge tennis net, and long lunch hours spent with their faces pressed against the mesh, their snarling maws hungry for the flesh of the enemy. Geography lessons dominated by the constant slinging [...]

Hanky Code: July 2009 Update

8, Jul 2009

So we all know about the basic Hanky Code, right? It’s the failsafe method that gay men use to find a husband. If you’re straight, here’s is how it works:
1. Choose the colour that represents the thing you like.
2. If you like doing it, but the hanky in your back left pocket. If you like [...]

Twitter, And The Poetry Of Arsepuke

25, Jun 2009

Before I get into the Bum Vomit Poetry that inspired this post, heres why Twitter is awesome. I dont know if anyones blogged about Twitter yet, or their feelings about it, so if this is too groundbreaking / pioneering, please take a few minutes to prepare yourself.
To best illustrate my changing relationship with Twitter, here [...]

Back-Dated Michael Jackson Blog Shows Staggering Empathy, Foresight

23, Jun 2009

I’m a staggeringly sensitive person. I’m perfectly attuned to humanity, and the energy that human emotions transmit along the fibres of the universe. When someone is sad, their sadness consumes me – unless someone is standing between us laughing, in which case I’m struck by a serene sense of balance, and can resume shopping.
But when [...]

Look At What I Overheard

18, Jun 2009

I’m always hearing amazing conversations. Other people say they don’t overhear any great conversations at all, so the only logical explanation is that my threatening presence makes everyone put in a bit of extra effort. It’s certainly true that spikes of conversational excellence occur at that precise time I shake my fist, drop my trousers, [...]

What Burglars Don’t Steal

12, Apr 2009

It’s been long enough since the burglary – and the tear-jerkingly generous response of friends and colleagues - for this post to not to seem like a begging message. So, here’s what I wrote the day after burglars nicked everything I own, and one of Stuart’s Dr Who DVDs that was in my XBox. I haven’t heard the [...]

A Tragedy Cheapened Is A Tragedy Halved

3, Apr 2009

The girl opposite me has just suffered the death of a beloved goldfish. It was one of those stubborn fuckers that lasts a decade, so she really had a chance to become attached to it. The fish has seen her through her exams, her sexual awakening, and now it is dead.
Suddenly, the towers of photo [...]

OK, So I Can’t Blog Properly

11, Feb 2009

I thought going freelance would be the kickstart I needed to maintain the blog. It turns out, I’m only really productive when I’m in a job I hate if I get paid regularly.
Does anyone have a job where I can just sit there, silently fuming into the internet at the cunts on the next desk? [...]


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