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Banter Administrator - The temporary title given to the person handing out the banter. For flipside, see ‘banter recipient’.

Aborted Banter - when an effective self-screening process is implemented and one stops mid-sentence, suddenly aware that the banter is not what they hoped it would be

Budget Banter - Of a low quality, cheap. aka ‘car-boot banter’.

Boomerang Banter - Lines of banter that just won’t go away .

Bespoke Banter - individually tailored for receipient; cannot be used with anyone else. aka ‘invite-only banter’

Bosman Banter - opposite of ‘Bespoke’ - easily transferrable; has high freedom of movement from one potential recipient to the next

Blue Peter Banter - Banter that was clearly ‘prepared earlier’. Aka ‘contrived banter’. Any subsequent kudos should be correspondingly reduced, if not eliminated completely.

Bushwacker banter - aka ‘tag team banter’. when two people gang up and complement each other to improve victimisation efficiency and effectiveness.

Brownian Banter - completely random in its movements, no real sense of direction

Brazilian-Waxed banter - banter that is very neat and tidy - all rough edges have been smoothed out

Betamax banter - banter that never really took off, and as such has potential to be laughed at and ridiculed in several years’ time.

Centipede banter - banter that has ‘got legs’, ie ’staying power’, or it ’sticks’. aka ‘copydex banter’.

Contra Banter - when the overall ‘banter business’ between two participants nets off to an overall ‘net banter effect’ of zero. aka ‘PH7 banter’.

Banter Conception Point - a pivotal turning point, or event, which ’spawns’ future banter. aka ’self-propagating banter’.

Chernobyl Banter - Banter so bad that it leaves a ‘fall-out’ that can last an indefinite amount of time.

Collateral Banter - When an innocent party is caught in the cross-fire due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They were simply conveniently close when a victim was required.

Cardiologically-deficient banter - Banter that lacks heart.

Compass Banter - Banter that has lost its way, and thus is crying out for direction

Dyson Banter - aka ‘hoover banter’ - banter that is so substandard that it appears to suck the atmosphere out of the room

Dot to Dot banter - aka ‘Ikea banter’ - the banter recipient is provided with all the banter raw materials, and is invited to ‘join the dots’ or ‘assemble’ it himself

Deadly sins banter - banter that elicits envy, pride and, in extreme cases lust.

Empathic banter - banter in which the recipient’s feelings are inexplicably taken into account. aka ‘cotton-wool banter’.

Euthenasia banter - Banter so lacking in any form of discernable ‘life’ that a third party ‘puts all participants out of their misery’

Embryonic banter - not yet the final product, but everything is beginning to take shape. aka ‘transition-state banter’, or ‘banter W.I.P. ‘

Echobanter - banter that was not heard by the recipient the first time of asking so needs repeating by the administrator; usually associated with a reduced effectiveness coefficient of about 50%.

Eyebrow banter - a non-verbal form of banter, in which a ‘knowing look’ is exchanged by two people, usually as the result of behaviour exhibited by a third party that has previously been discussed by the two taking part in the aforementioned eyebrow banter.

Extrapolatory banter - when the potential recipient expects to receive a certain brand of banter as a result of something he or she has just said, by projecting forward lines of banter previously used in similar circumstances

Flippin’ sell-out banter - banter that compromises one’s hitherto firmly-held principles, ie use of double-entendre, or by crowbarring in the ‘F’ part of an A to Z list when one cannot think of anything else beginning with ‘F’

Glass House Banter - when the banter administrator embarks on a banter sojourn that could easily apply to himself

Googlebanter - banter obviously aided by the world wide web

Gravy Banter - a line of banter that supplements an existing, already established line of banter, thus augmenting it and making it more digestible. A Luxury, not a necessity.

Amanda Holden banter - banter that is fine for now, but is beginning to grow stale and drab. aka ‘banter on-the-turn’ or ‘jennifer aniston banter’.

Hit and Run Banter - when the recipient throws some banter the receipient’s way but does not hang around to enable a response. aka ‘drive-by banter’.

‘I can’t believe it’s not banter’ - when the real thing is not available, so a cheaper, less satisfying alternative is used

Isaac Newton Banter - based on the theory of gravity; “what goes up must come down”. Banter that the administrator knows is going to come back and haunt him, but will continue so long as the cost:benefit ratio remains tenable.

JengaBanter - Banter that builds upon top of each other, forming discernible banter ‘layers’. aka ‘banter squared’.

John F Kennedy banter - banter so historically ground-breaking and ‘important’ that everyone can remember where they were when they first participated in it.

Kashmir Banter - reminiscing about historical banter; Kashmir banter occurs when two protagonists duel over ownership of the aforementioned banter.

Lo-value banter - similar to ‘budget banter’. Often comes in an uninspiring, drab ‘package’. This type of banter can oft be found with a ‘Tesco’ prefix.

Month-end banter - snatched and hurried; a general associated lack of thought and precision due to mitigating work-related factors prevailing.

Marquess of Queensbury defying banter - banter deemed by binding arbitration to be ‘below the belt’. aka ’student vodka banter’ [cheap shot]

Mexican banter stand-off - when potential administrators and recipients are looking at each other and waiting for ‘banter’ to occur. Usually associated with state of high mental alertness.

Banter by Numbers - formulaic banter. Ridicule pertaining to performance of person’s chosen football team the previous day; haircut-based banter

Non-Hovis banter - banter with all the goodness taken out

Off-line banter - potential banter that has to be stored up one’s sleeve for a later time due to the presence of a grown-up. aka ‘parked-up banter’.

Onion Banter - 1. banter with many different layers 2. banter designed to provoke tears from the banter recipient

Prepayment banter - Pre-emptive Banter that relates to event which is to occur in a future month or ‘banter period’, such as a tawdry meeting a colleague is to attend, or a wretched piece of work to be carried out.

Post-it banter - usually used in association with a telephone call. Whilst banter recipient is on phone, ideally to someone of importance, a post-it note is innocently placed in a prominent position in an attempt to induce involuntary mirth. eg it might say “x ate my hamster during a disastrous picnic in the spring of ‘97′ ” [where x = person on end of phone, if identity can be determined from ear-wigging into conversation]

Quantum leap banter - banter uncharacteristic of the administrator perpetrating it, as though somebody else has jumped into their banter outlet stream.

RSVP banter - banter designed to provoke a response

Rebound banter - banter that does not do its job initially, but ‘hits the target’ at the second time of asking, having altered one’s aim slightly. aka ‘backboard banter’.

Sicilian banter - banter so tawdry, that the participants should instantly ‘for-GET about it…’ aka ‘DonnieBanter’

Sweet ‘n’ sour banter - banter that initially seems good-natured, but is actually interspersed with vitriol. aka ‘trojan banter’

Star Wars banter - banter that was funny maybe a LONG time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Scattergun banter - banter that is just ‘fired OUT there’ for anyone to grab onto. aka ‘blunderbanter’.

Banter Saturation point - when it is taken slightly too far by a participant. aka ‘Buckaroo banter ‘.

Seasonal Banter - ie Shrove tuesday banter, when one inevitably ridicules one’s work colleagues’ attempts at pancake-making.

Strikethrough Banter - when banter is appallingly and unforgiveably revoked by an ‘only joking’ suffix. Should never happen, but unfortunately does.

Telegraphed banter - banter that everyone could see coming. To be avoided at all costs wherever possible.

Underlying banter - banter with allegories and themes not immediately obvious at the time. aka ’slow-burning banter’ or ‘[ronseal to the power of minus 1] banter’

Venn Diagram Banter - when two hitherto mutually exclusive banter ’strands’ are woven together, or ‘overlapped’ in a moment that is known as ‘Banter hybridisation epiphany’

Vicarious banter - when banter is proffered on behalf of an absent colleague

Victimless Banter - when all participants are agreed on the prevailing banter - a mutual viewpoint is reached that transcends the usual driving force behind banter [ie ridicule of some sort]

Chinese Whisper Banter - Poorly judged Banter that is derived from a mis-heard statement.

X-ray banter - where one can see through the banter and easily discover the true meaning behind it

Yellow Banter - banter that is cowardly in nature, therefore deserving of nothing but contempt

Zzzzzzzzz banter - banter that instills in everyone an urge to sleep

thanks, Chris.

Why cant I get away from all of the stupid CUNTS who keep saying ‘Hoof in the Works’?

It’s FUCKING SHIT so STOP IT you COCK.

I quite liked my use of CAPS there.

You and your Greggs. Very la-di-da.

For that, you have to go to Sweetmans, and everyone knows the staff there piss on their fists before starting work.

Would YOU take the risk? It’s no fucking wonder we’ve all got scurvy and rickets.

:(

INTERESTING DID YOU KNOW : When Charlie Brooker mentioned Gregg’s in his Screen Burn column, the next day a fucking massive tray of pastries arrived at the Endemol offices? I wasn’t working there, then, but if I was, I’d have been a) in there and b) utterly naked.

I reckon I must’ve earned 20p off a Yum-Yum by now.