Is the person I’m controlling a gay person?
Hurray for IGN, who bravely let a genuinely gay member of staff write an article which questioned the sexuality of a cartoon dinosaur. It was received with considerable negativity, so I'm writing this out of a sense of massive gay solidarity.
In the abscence of openly gay gaming characters, video game culture is playing catch-up with wider society. So, until 10% of all video game plots include a scene where gay characters triumph over a homophobic mini-boss before going on to murder everyone who bullied them, we’re basically stuck in the 80s. And what did we gay people do in the 80s to push sexual diversity forward to the point where Suede could exist? We outed people!
Think of me as your gay mechanic on this voyage of gaming sexuality. And for those of you frail bendy woofters who have no idea what a mechanic is or does because it doesn’t involve cupping a pair of balls, remember: Kylie Minogue played one, in Neighbours! They basically get oily and carry tyres and babies around. Or, to put it in terms that gay people can really understand, it’s like anal sex - but with cars.
Think of me as a fat hairdresser, letting my dick and nuts press against your arm while I talk about the weather. I'm gaying you up, and you love it. Don't complain - that's just showing how repressed you are. The more you complain, the more you love it. In fact the only way to not come out of this looking really gay is to prove you're comfortable enough in your heterosexuality to let me ejaculate onto your shins.
Please let me ejaculate onto your shins
CASE 1. JIM RAYNOR
Woo! I wouldn't say no to this greasy slab of hunkpapa! I'd certainly be pro-tossing HIM off, if you know what I mean (I mean I'd like to masturbate him). I'd definitely let him "terran" new one for me, by which I think I mean I'd let him have sex with a wound. But lets consider the evidence:
He is frequently seen smoking a cigar and wearing a helmet. Could he be any more blatant? All you have to do is replace cigar with DICK, and draw spunk marks on the helmet visor, and you've got a pretty compelling case for the prosecution.
Calm down Jim! Whew! That guy is SPUNK-CRAZY
What other evidence do we have?
1. Raynor rhymes with Gaynor
2. His girlfriend got turned into a monster, maybe because she saw him bumming in the showers
3. I really want him to be gay because I fancy him so much and it makes wanking more exciting if you could realistically imagine him saying "yeah let's do it - but I must warn you I'm extremely into you in a way I've never felt before" with his big hands all over you
VERDICT: DEFINITELY GAY PLEASE
CASE TWO: DUKE NUKEM
Yeah I mean he's probably gay, something about hypermasculinity and denial, something something. Oof. I can't actually do this. What's next? Something about how Tingle is a bit fruity? How can anyone write this fatuous shit without jamming pencils into their tear ducts?
No, seriously. How do you do it? It seems like a valuable skill
TweetFasts & Furiouses 1-15, With Synopses
The Fast & The Furious
An undercover cop infiltrates an underworld subculture of Los Angeles street racers looking to bust a hijacking ring, and soon begins to question his loyalties when his new street racing friends become the prime suspects.
2 Fast 2 Furious
Former cop, Brian O'Conner is finally arrested after letting his leader escape the law. To avoid the consequences, he must now work with an old college friend and help the police arrest a local drug exporter.
The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift
In order to avoid a jail sentence, Sean Boswell heads to Tokyo to live with his military father. In a low-rent section of the city, Sean gets caught up in the underground world of drift racing.
Fast & Furious
Brian O'Conner, now working for the FBI in LA, teams up with Dominic Toretto to bring down a heroin importer by infiltrating his operation.
Fast & Furious 5: Rio Hiest (aka 5ast 5ive)
Dominic and his crew find themselves on the wrong side of the law once again as they try to switch lanes between a ruthless drug lord and a relentless federal agent.
The Fast & Furiou6: Transylvanian Plunderstorm
When a heroin importer gets into Brian O’Conner’s car and refuses to get out, he drives as fast as he can in a misguided effort to teach him the error of his ways. But the faster Brian drives, the more ruthless the drug lord becomes, forcing O’Conner into an unprecedented loop-the-loop.
Fas7 And Fu7iou7: 777
Under the terms of the mayor's Last Will & Testament, Sean Boswell must drive up the Matahorn, using the summit as a ramp to land on a passenger jet carrying 200 drug lords to an illegal conference, and do do-nuts on the wing until the FBI arrive.
Furious & Fast: Swans Alive
Low budget series reboot set entirely on the plastic swan ride at Alton Towers. Will Brian O’Conner be stranded overnight, or will he manage the short wade to shore?
9ast & 9urious: Hair Trigger Trip Switch
Pan-ballistic deboot. Brian O’Conner and Jeff Patarken (Rupert Everett) must do one last heist to pay off their debts to a ruthless drug lord. Unfortunately Patarken has acute gastroenteritis, leading to some memorable Dutch Ovens.
Fast Ten: Your Seatbelts
Addressing concerns that the series glamorises dangerous driving, Brian O’Conner embarks on a high-octane road-safety course, where he meets a woman whose breasts inflate when travelling at or just below the legal speed limit.
The Fast & The Furious, Part 11: Dopplerdocus
Brian O’Conner gives a drug lord a cow in exchange for an enchanted muffler, only to discover that it has poor aerodynamics. He joins forces with Dominic to perform one last heist in a parallel dimension where fast things are used as currency, only to accumulate immense debts by driving in the wrong direction.
Furiast 12
Sean Boswell is shrunk to the size of a pint of milk. Stowing away conspicuously in Jordana Brewsters hair, he offers constant and increasingly pessimistic appraisals of his own mental health.
Furiast 12, Part II: The Fast & The Furious 13
The attempt to bring Sean Boswell back to full man size backfires, when only his testicles are restored to their original stature. Boswell quickly learns that a full compliment of semen being emptied through a urethra no wider than a human hair causes unimaginable pain, and velocities that are internally injurious to his lovers. Boswell is inconsolable until he notices that the laser-like ejaculations can shear through glass, and he decides to carry out one last heist.
The Fast & The Fur14us: Hawaiian Hairpins
Dominic Toretto is forced into a flatshare with a furious lance corporal and a shapeshifting robot, neither of which seem keen on helping him perform one last heist. That is, until a ruthless drug lord begins drinking the milk they’ve left out in the back garden, and shows his gratitude by laying a gigantic egg containing a Lamborghini Countach.
Fast and Fifteenius: The Final He15t
They saved the most audacious heist for last! Brian O'Conner, The FBI, Sean Boswell, and six thousand druglords (each more ruthless than the last) travel to the rings of Saturn, where they encounter a rare microbe that reacts to pure-grade heroin by travelling at 230 miles per hour. Building a car out of the foul-smelling bacteria and stealing enough heroin to fuel it from the drug lords in a series of tiny last heists, Sean Boswell returns to Earth. In a state of irrational euphoria induced by a lack of oxygen and an abundance of heroin, Boswell places second in the bloodiest Tour De France on record - then, in the first musical finale, Brian O'Conner sings "I Like Bread And Butter" to the drug lords and learns the spirit of true self-sacrifice when he leads them all, in a goose-stepping drug baron conga, through a smoky door and into the sandworm desert from Beetlejuice. As the door slams shut, the credits roll, and the audience are invited to look inside their hearts by an out-of-character Vin Diesel, who confides that he and the entire cast have been dead for nine years, but their pact with Satan means that they cannot be at rest or stop making these movies until people stop coming to fucking see them for Christ's sake.
Tweet