Can anyone beat my black, homeless dwarf for a minority super-niche? I found him outside Elephant & Castle station, and because I’m such an amazing minority myself – it ain’t easy bein’ this pretty, you jealous bitches – I knew we’d get along. We talked about how much money the council threw at us, the … Read more
FACE 1: YES, I’M JIMMY CARR You’ve got me, governor – I’m the Jimmy Carr you’re looking for. How did you find me on top of this vibrating neon podium? Sorry I couldn’t bring myself to reduce the word “governor” to “guv’nor”, by the way. The thing is, I’m not a moronic commoner who drops … Read more
Although this conversation isn’t a true Tale of the Smear, it’s amazing how an accusation levelled at my work colleague and superior, Will Porter, that his “bum smelled of bum” and that he “pisses on bums” could lead, eventually, to a small story about his dad walking in on him while he did a shit … Read more
Hi everyone! If there’s anything that I hate about dogs (and there isn’t, because I love everything about dogs) – it’s the fact that they can’t talk. I hate that about dogs so much. I know George isn’t keeping secrets from me – I mean, what secrets could he have? I keep him drugged in … Read more
Hi, Jennifans! Here’s something I did that… well, it makes me want to puke to be honest, but I think it captures Jennifer’s playful, sexy and psychotic nature pretty OK-ish. It’s also convinced me to put that third cake back in the bin. That third delicious cake, whose only sin was to be born so … Read more
Remember that cunt, Francis Gilbert? It’s from the time when I regularly posted, and people commented. From when I was a contender. FRANCIS GILBERT POSTS Francis Gilbert vs Law of the Playground Francis Gilbert’s Real-Life Actual Blog At the time, it prompted me to start a spoof Gilbert website, which quickly became “a lot of … Read more
Have you heard about the new game that is being made? I don’t suppose you have, because the magazine article I wrote in PC Zone isn’t out yet, and it’s not like there’s any more immediate ways of getting information these days. The new game is so exciting – if you’re Korean – that it’s … Read more