OK, so my cousin Samantha is having man trouble. Naturally enough in these situations, she turned to the writer in the family, and asked me to get across her feelings in a way that would truly touch Jason’s soul.
After a series of long interviews and counselling sessions with Samantha, I had isolated a number of key points that needed to be made.
JASON IS A FUCKING BITCH
Jason is, Samantha feels, a fucking bitch. She says he treated her like a fucking bitch and that makes him a fucking bitch. She is adamant that I try to get this across in my letter to him.
SHE FUCKING HATES JASON
Jason broke her trust, because he’s always talking to other bitches about her like she’s some kind of bitch, whereas in actual fact it is Jason who is the bitch, along with all the other bitches he’s talking to. Also, he’s probably fucking the bitches with his bitch’s dick.
JASON GOES WITH THAT PATARKEN BITCH (she thinks)
Samantha wants to know how can Jason go with that Patarken bitch when she is so transparently a ho? She’s even heard that Jason told that Patarken bitch he LOVES her. To add insult to injury, he told Patarken this while Samantha was on the phone – to herself.
JASON IS AS UGLY AS HELL
Samantha wants Jason to know that she is utterly over him, and anyway, she thinks he is ugly, and a bitch, and that Patarken bitch is welcome to him because he’s so ugly anyway and she means it.
SHE HOPES BERRY BEATS JASON’S ASS
As do I, Samantha! To that end, here is the first draft of my open letter to Jason. It could do with a little tweak here and there, but I think it certainly opens the channels of commuinication. And with communication, the healing can commence.
This is the best letter in the world.
Thanks to Daz for finding it and sending it to me.
Wonderful adaptation of the past participle “broke” to the much more widely-understood irregular form “brock”. Also a welcome dose of unreality is introduced near the end of the missive, citing evidence that was overheard while the writer was on the phone with herself.
V. GOOD 9/10
Fucking hell Log, two posts in a week. I imagine you’re having a much-needed lie down now, like Father Christmas on Boxing Day.
notice how samantha almost slips up by spelling ‘which’ correctly. she’s clearly hiding her true intellectual beauty from jason. if only he hadn’t treated her like a bitch he may have one day discovered just how special samantha is.
Dear Log,
NB: the curly bit on the ‘S’ of ‘Samantha’.
Also the rest of it.
Kind Regards,
I also too as well like the curlicue on the cap S. It belies a playful nature behind all the sweary bluster.
Jason you bitch.
could samantha be german? I ask only because she has spelled ‘sick’ with an ‘h’ – ‘sich’, which is probably how germans write it.
And is that an umlaut over the ‘a’ in the fourth line? Man, this Samantha fly-girl may be angry, but she ain’t no xenophobe, yo’.
Also, Patarken sounds like a type of sausage.
I like the fact she is a hoe. Unless Jason has been fucking gardening tools again.
In which case, I HOPE BERRY BEAT HIS ASS!
I love the word partarken. I’m going to start using it when insulting people and if people ask me what it means I’ll tell them it means “not undertanding the meaning of partarken”. A bit like that pink cloud joke from school.
patarken, even.
Are you Samantha? Has Jason treated you like a bitch? Perhaps he told Patarken that he loved her, when you know her to be a ho. Are you totally over Jason, all his shit and those stupid bitches he goes with? If so, the Kilroy team would like to talk to you.
^ A long-running TVGoHome joke continues…
^ Spod
Haha I’m glad I’m not the only one who has found themselves randomly inspired to incorporate the word ‘Patarken’ into regular use. What the fuck is it? Is it even right? I have stared at it for ages and while ‘Patarken’ seems to make fuck all sense, there are no other explanations.
I hope Berry doesn’t Beat my ass.
Dude, Berry is so fucken all over this shit it isn’t funny.
Ask your mate Francis Gilbert what it all means. HE understands the youth.
Dear Log,
This shit be sic.
Yours, with apologies to IOYC,