Comments on: Midwives : I Have Fucked Everything Up Right Proper

By: eric

eric — Wed, 25 May 2011 03:08:12 +0000

I can confirm that:

Student Midwives are the most fucked up.
Otherwise they are all emof ucktards
I’d sooner listen to real peoples problems than this bunch of internalised, dippy, fanny hugging, knobgobbling dickheads.

Here is the trick to avoiding them. In almost any profession, unity is upheld in equal amounts to ability. In Midwifery, the feminist bit kicks in a little, worsened by an inner or subconscious knowldege that attempts to protect fellow members from the fact that they are emotionally fucked up in a big way.

If you wish to date a MW. Be warned it is not pretty.

By: davidh

davidh — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 18:44:00 +0000

Speedwolf said,
February 17, 2006 @ 10:49 am
Are midwives dirty like nurses?

I wouldn’t like to say!

By: Speedwolf

Speedwolf — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 13:20:47 +0000

“I bet theyâ€™ve been shat on by more women than youâ€™ve had hot lunches.”
Nice double-whammy there, I’d post a drumkit but I can’t arsed.

My Nan used to think that babies came from kettles because the midwife would ask for hot water and towels when her mum went into labour. Bless her thick-as-shit cottons.

By: smahman

smahman — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 13:13:25 +0000

No, it would have been tired and overworked and…. There is no place enta for that here.

By: jonesy

jonesy — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 12:41:59 +0000

Oof. I almost posted a comment about them charging for labour then. Phew â€“ I’m glad THAT didn’t happen!

By: smahman

smahman — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 11:38:58 +0000

Ba da bing! Will there be a cervix charge?

By: jonesy

jonesy — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 10:55:33 +0000

I bet they’ve been shat on by more women than you’ve had hot lunches.

By: Speedwolf

Speedwolf — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 09:49:10 +0000

Are midwives dirty like nurses?

I’ll bet they’re as broody as anything having to drag babies out of mummies’ tum-tums all day. That means they’re probably up for anything except up-the-bum and gobbling because that would mean wasting precious baby-batter. Either that or they hate the idea of childbirth so much after seeing women’s axe wounds getting split b y trying to pass a head the size of a bowling ball through it. In which case they’ve either become a lesbian or don’t do vanilla.

In either case, I’ve got a semi-on and need closure.

By: davidh

davidh — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 23:13:29 +0000

I went out with a midwife, years ago.

She was lovely but crackers and I wouldn’t have trusted her to deliver a letter, never mind a baby.

That is my midwife anecdote.

By: Log

Log — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 12:42:26 +0000

I can’t tell whether that sounded really wise, or whether you’re recommending idealism to the point of fanny baptisms. How idealistic should birth be?

1 = TOTALLY IDEALISTIC (virgin births)
2 = MAINLY IDEALISTIC (no painkillers, whore, the pain’s there as a reminder of your sin)
3 = EQUALLY IDEALISTIC AND PRAGMATIC (kinda hard to summarise is parody form)
4 = MAINLY PRAGMATIC (let’s get the baby out and do try not to drop it)
5 = TOTALLY PRAGMATIC (well the world’s fucked anyway, it’d save a lot of bother if I did drop it)

VOTE NOW!

By: Ricick

Ricick — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 07:31:17 +0000

There’s already too much pragmatism and not enough idealism in midwifery to my mind.

By: Gustave Hetter

Gustave Hetter — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 17:32:52 +0000

I can already see – in my mind’s eye, of course – hordes of impatient midwives jumping up and down on expectant mothers’ abdomens in an effort to speed up the whole birthing process. And about time too – it takes fucking AGES at the moment.

By: soulless

soulless — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 08:26:27 +0000

I like the idea of impractical midwives.

“I forgot the forceps. Let’s use a trowel and an eggcup!”

It’s time we put the fun back into appalling medical negligence.